After That Night
by SVU-Obsessed
Summary: Chapter Thirty-One: Survivor. This is the story of what happens after Paige confronted Dean in How Soon is Now. It's the story of her life, relationships and trial After That Night. Complete!
1. Officer Kevin Collins

This takes place a couple of days after "How Soon Is Now". If you missed any of the episodes dealing with Paige's rape, I have a copy of them under the story "Shout". It might be awhile before I get the next chapter out with exams coming up, but I will post ASAP.  
  
Sorry about the formatting. It tends to get pretty screwed up when I upload. The scenes that are kind of detached from the others are flashbacks.  
  
I don't own Degrassi: The Next Generation or any of the charaters. I don't really own the storyline either.  
  
Anyways, I hope you enjoy it and I'd really appreciate some feedback.  
  
"Paige?" Mr. Simpson asked as soon as I sat down in his class a few days later. "They want to see you in the guidance office."  
  
"Am I in trouble?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know. Ms. Sovet asked to see you."  
  
I nervously exchanged glances with Ash. Even if he didn't know, I was almost positive that this meeting was about Dean.  
  
And pressing charges.  
  
And I wasn't sure that was the right thing to do anymore. I stood up and picked up my books. As I passed her, Ash put her hand out. I held it quickly, trying to feel her comfort, but let go when she saw how badly I was shaking.  
  
"It'll be fine," she whispered to me.  
  
"I hope you're right."  
  
It wasn't far to the guidance office, but it took me forever to get there. I went in, and the secretary told me into go in to Ms. Sovet's office. I knocked on the open door.  
  
"Paige, great," she said upon seeing me. I noticed a good-looking guy beside her in a police uniform. He didn't look old enough to be a cop.  
  
"Close the door," she said. I did and sat down in the free chair. "This is Officer Collins." He stuck his hand out. I shook his, my hand trembling worse than before. It wasn't like me to be this nervous, and even less like me to show it.  
  
"I've told him a bit about your case, and I've asked him to first go through the process of what's going to happen after you give your statement."  
  
"Well, fir-" he began. I didn't need to hear it.  
  
"I changed my mind," I said quickly. "I don't want to do this."  
  
Ms. Sovet exchanged glanced with Officer Collins. "Paige. . ." she began. "What did you tell me when you said you wanted to press charges?"  
  
I closed my eyes, then opened them again with tears brimming. "That I wanted to scare him."  
  
"Why?"  
  
I wiped a tear off my cheek. "So that he'd never think of doing this to any other girl." I looked up at the officer. He didn't seem like a bad guy. But I didn't know how to tell him about the worst thing that had ever happened to me.  
  
"Why don't I take you through what's going to happen before you make a decision," he suggested.  
  
"Officer Collins," I began.  
  
"Call me Kevin."  
  
"Okay. . . Kevin. I appreciate this, but I have no proof. No one saw him. There's no way I could ever beat him."  
  
"I don't know that there's no proof. Right now, I don't know anything about what happened, except for what Ms. Sovet has told me."  
  
"So. . . there's still a chance?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
I looked at Ms. Sovet. She nodded. "So what would happen if I did press charges?"  
  
"Well, I would take your statement, interview any potential witnesses, see if there was anyone else who has ever been attacked by the same guy. The odds are that he's attacked more girls. If there's enough, the Crown attorney will get a warrant for his arrest."  
  
"And then it's over?"  
  
"Then, you'll have to testify at his trial."  
  
"And then he goes to jail?" I had asked Ms. Sovet these same questions, but somehow, I thought that it would be different coming from him.  
  
"If a jury convicts him."  
  
"And if I didn't press charges?"  
  
"He'd stay free."  
  
"If I did. . . press charges. . . would I have to talk to him?"  
  
"Never."  
  
I looked at Ms. Sovet. She nodded and smiled. I looked at Kevin. He nodded.  
  
"I'll do it."  
  
Ms. Sovet smiled again and Kevin got some kind of message on his microphone/walking talkie thing that all polive officers have. He held it to his ear and said some kind of code. I noticed a wedding ring on his left hand.  
  
"Traditionally, I'm supposed to have you parents here, but it's not to strictly enforced, so I'm going to give you the option. Do you want them here?"  
  
I shook my head. My mom and I had been closer lately, but there was no way I could tell her what had happened.  
  
"Can you tell me about what happened?"  
  
I had no idea what to say. "What do you want to know?"  
  
"Why don't you start with his name?"  
  
"Dean. Dean Roberts."  
  
"Does he go to this school?"  
  
I shook my head. "He goes to Bardell."  
  
"How do you know him?"  
  
"Uh. . . we were playing against his school. I was. . ." I didn't know how to phrase that. "I talked to him after the game and he invited me to a party."  
  
"And you went?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"What happened when you got there?"  
  
"I talked to him for awhile." I didn't want to continue talking. I didn't want him to ask about why I went into the room. I was a slut. It was as simple as that.  
  
"Did you have anything to eat or drink?"  
  
"I had something to drink."  
  
"Did you get the drink?"  
  
"No. He did."  
  
"Did you feel different after it?"  
  
"Different?"  
  
"Did you feel dizzy, cold?"  
  
"Not really. I only had a sip."  
  
"When did you leave the party?"  
  
I started pulling my ring off and pushing it back on nervously. "I saw someone that I didn't want to see at the party, so I suggested that we went somewhere quiet."  
  
The entire night was flashing through my thoughts. I didn't want to remember it. Everything I said, everything I did. I had been through it so many times before, trying to find what I had done wrong.  
  
"Dean, it's so loud out here. Wanna maybe go someplace a little more private?" I had asked him.  
  
"After you." He took my hand and followed me through the crowd.  
  
"You are so cute," he said as he caught up with me, then kissed me on the cheek. He smelled great. I giggled. "I think my friend's room should be quiet." he said softly and led me up and flight of stairs and opened a door.   
  
"Where did you end up going?"  
  
I snapped out of my daze. "His friend's room."  
  
"What happened next?"  
  
I turned on a light, but he turned it off again.  
  
"I kinda like it dark," he told me with his arms around my waist.  
  
"But I can't see anything." Between the lava light and the dim light from the window, I could barely see his face.  
  
"Well, there's the bed, here's the door." He took my hand and led me to the bed. "And here's the party."  
  
"Why are we whispering?"  
  
"Because my friends are Neanderthals."  
  
Why had I let him close the door? What hadn't I stopped him? Why hadn't something said 'Paige, you just et the guy, and he wants to be alone in a dark room with you, this isn't right'? Why had I blown Spinner off? Why had Dean been interested in the first place? Did I really look that easy? Had he been planing this from before I got there? Before I got in the room? Why had I even liked him in the first place? He was way too old for me! Why had this happened to me?  
  
"Paige?" Ms Sovet asked gently. I snapped out again. This time, there were tears on my cheeks. I fisted them away.  
  
"I. . . turned on the light, but he turned it off. Said, he liked it dark. He started kissing me. Told me that I was adorable. We got onto the bed, and he kissed me harder than before. He asked me if it was okay. I told him to take it slow."  
  
"You are so adorable."  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Come here." He layed me down on the bed. It seemed a bit fast to be on the bed already. "Is this okay?"  
  
"No. I mean, yeah." He kissed me fully on the lips, deeper than before. I didn't feel quite right. "Just take it slow, okay?" He kissed me even harder, then trailed down to my neck. Harder, and harder. This wasn't right. I tensed up. "Dean, I said slow."  
  
"He didn't take it slow though, did he?" Kevin asked. I had spaced out again, and he finally got me back.  
  
"No," I whispered. "He started kissing me. . . harder than he had before. My lips. . . my neck. . . I told him to stop. I tried to push him off.  
  
"Finally, he sat up, and I thought it was over. But when he sat up, I still couldn't get up. And he went into his pocket. . . and. . . he. . . pulled something out of his pocket."  
  
"A condom?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And then he raped you?"  
  
"I started panicking when I saw the condom, and I tried to get up. . . but I couldn't he was too strong. I tried to get away. I wanted to get away, but he wouldn't let me. I said no. I said it over and over, but he didn't listen." I was getting hysterical, hyperventilating and crying.  
  
"Wha-?What are you doing?" He held the square with his teeth, unzipped his pants and ripped the condom wrapper open. "I don't think so." I tried desperately to get up, but Dean pushed me back down. In the moonlight I could see his eyes. They were angry, evil.  
  
I couldn't understand what was happening. All of a sudden, he lowered his body and started grunting.  
  
"Dean, no, Dean. Stop." This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be doing this. "I said stop! Stop, please." I started to cry. "Dean, get off me. Stop, please, no."  
  
"There's nothing you could have done," Kevin told me. "You had no control over what he did. This isn't your fault."  
  
Ms. Sovet came close to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "Take a deep breath," she advised. I did and felt a bit better. The tears finally stopped flowing.  
  
"So what are you going to do now?" I asked.  
  
"I'm going to head over to Bardell and pick him up."  
  
I looked up, excited. "You mean you can arrest him already?"  
  
"Not yet, but I can talk to him."  
  
"So what does that mean? He just stays out there, but he knows that I talked to the police? He can just come and see me again? He can hurt me!"  
  
"I'll make sure that he doesn't hurt you. I promise. Other than the night he attacked you, has he had any contact with you?"  
  
I nodded and blinked hard, trying to keep from crying again. "He came here for a game. He followed me around that day."  
  
"Did he threaten you?"  
  
"Spirit!" a voice called. I kept going. He ran up to me. He still thought it was all just a joke. "Hold up. So, what's in a day's plan. A little rah-rah cheering, or another serenade from your little girl band?" His smell. I was choking on his smell.  
  
"This is my school, and I don't want to see or talk to you again." I turned around and went into the school, but he followed me.  
  
"Lighten up. We had fun."  
  
"Fun!?" I exclaimed, incredulous. "You think what you did to me was fun!?"  
  
He turned to Hazel. "Night of the party, you were there. Tell me, who did Spirit come to see?" Hazel didn't say anything. "Right. Me."  
  
"I said no."  
  
"Everyone there saw a girl who wanted it. Bad. And she got it. Go shake your little pom-poms and look cute, Spirit." He started walking backwards and grinned. "I got a game."  
  
"First thing in the morning, he started teasing me, said that we had fun. That everyone at the party saw a girl who wanted it bad and got it. I didn't want it. I said no. I really didn't want it."  
  
"I know that. It's a tactic that a lot of rapists use. Try and make you feel like you're to blame. You're not."  
  
"But he. . . everyone. . . they saw me. . ."  
  
"That doesn't matter. You said no." I sniffed and nodded, even though I didn't believe it. "Did anything else happen?"  
  
"He just kept popping up everywhere. He thought it was funny."  
  
"Was there something that happened that afternoon?"  
  
"I skipped the basketball game and one of my friends found me crying. I told him what had happened. He went in and got into a fight with Dean. Don't get me wrong, this guy is 5'2 and all of eighty pounds, and he couldn't do any real damage, but Dean got pretty rough with him when he called Dean "Mr. Rapist"."  
  
"Was this incident one file?"  
  
"I guess so. He got kicked out of the game."  
  
"And have you seen him since?"  
  
"When he left the game, another one of my friends hit him. Called him a couple of names. I stepped in and said that I was going to scare him. And now. . . here we are." 


	2. The call

I got this out as fast as I could. It's a bit short, and most of it isn't necesscary, but I wanted to put it anyways.  
  
In this story, I have put Spinner and Paige as a couple. I don't watch the show regularly, and I don't know if they ever got together, but as the end of "How Soon Is Now", It seemed like they were going to hook up, and I loved the chemistry.  
  
And of course, I don't own these characters. I'd be making money off this fic if I did.  
  
BTW, if anyone is registered at degrassi.tv, dmail me. My handle is merenelanding.  
  
"Paige, Paige, wait up!" I turned around and saw Spinner running to catch up with me. I had finished with Kevin and Ms. Sovet and I was on my way to my last class. He caught up with me and we started walking together. He had been really careful around me since he found out what had happened, as if touching me would break me, I would shatter into pieces.  
  
"Where were you at lunch?" he asked  
  
"Why don't we go outside to talk?" I suggested.  
  
"Paige Michalchuk skip?" he asked, feigning shock, but still following me out.  
  
"Don't act so surprised." We sat down on the front steps of the school. It was risky, since it was so easy to get caught, but I didn't care.  
  
"So, what's going on?"  
  
I turned to face him. "Remember what I said to Dean, about scaring him."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I talked to Ms. Sovet about pressing charges and decided to. And a cop came today for me to press charges."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
I nodded. "I just want it to be over, Spin," I told him before a fresh set of tears burned at my eyes. I was so sick of being so damn emotional.   
  
"It is," he told me, looking me straight in the eyes.  
  
I shook my head. "It's just starting."  
  
He put his arm around me. My body recoiled for a second, then relaxed. Something in his touch felt. . . I don't know. I guess right.  
  
"I changed my mind," I told him, turning around from the doorway. "Let's go see a movie instead."  
  
After I had finished crying, Spinner had somehow convinced me that I should try a support group. How he had thought of it, or even heard of it, was beyond me.  
  
"We'll do that later. Why don't you just try it out?" He made it sound like a shampoo. "I'll be here when you're done." He gave me a quick kiss. "It'll be okay. I promise." He smiled. I wanted to be as enthusiastic as he was, but I felt awful going in. I gave him a small smile and went in.  
  
The room was full of other teenage girls: pretty, ugly, skinny, big, brunettes and blondes. How was it possible that all of them had been through what had happened to me? They looked so normal. They could have been anyone who I'd ever met. I hadn't seen of them before, but I instantly knew them. To anyone else, they looked normal. When I looked each of them in the eye, I saw a familliary hollowness. I saw down but didn't say anything.  
  
The girl running the meeting couldn't have been more than twenty. She was short and thin, with a brown ponytail and freckles across her nose. Part of her seemed young, trapped in her teens, and another part seemed much older than twenty. Her name was Kate.  
  
I didn't talk at all that evening. There were a couple of girls that did, but I didn't hear their words much. I was too focused on them, their ways of speaking, of moving. I was despertely searching for some type of mannerisim, character trail, anything, that would explain why this had happened. I came up blank.  
  
"The Matrix just sold out," the girl at the counter of the movie theatre told us apologetically. Spinner and I exchanged glances.  
  
"Do you just want to rent a movie instead?" I suggested.  
  
"Sure."  
  
I had finished with the meeting and he was, as promised, taking me for a movie. After a surprisingly weak battle on his part, we rented Ms. Congeniality. I had seen it a good three dozen times, but I never got sick of it. And I was a huge Benjamin Bratt fan. My mom wasn't going to be home for awhile, so I wasn't worried about getting caught with Spinner alone. Strangely enough, I felt safer with him than home alone.  
  
"Is this okay?" he asked as soon as he had put his arm around me while the movie started.  
  
"Yeah," I said softly. "It's fine." I put my head against his shoulder and snuggled in. He kissed the top of my head lightly.  
  
"As of he ever had a chance fighting her," Spinner commented a but later in the movie. I grinned and was going to say something when the phone rang. I wiggled out of his embrace and answered.  
  
"Hello?" I couldn't hear anything. "Spin, can you turn that down?" He pressed the pause button and I tried again.  
  
"Hello, Spirit." 


	3. Spinner

Wow! Thanks so much for all the reviews! I really appreciate it. I like hearing what people think, and if there's a problem, let me know! I'll try and fix it.  
  
And as much writing as I've gotten in the past little while, I don't know how long it'll last, so I'd like to turn your attention over to another fanfic revolving around the same storyline. How To Deal by Proud-2B-Blonde is awesome! You guys should check it out. It's totally worth it.  
  
Oh yeah, and I own these characters. And the storyline. Yep. The paperwork cleared this morning. Right. I wish. I own nothing. Except this story.  
  
Anyways, please, keep up the responses and give me critisism. I won't get offended! I promise.   
  
"How are you, Spirit? Enjoying your new boyfriend? I know I'm not enjoying myself Spirit. Do you know why that is? I had an officer Collins talk to me today. Do you know why he came to talk to me, Spirit?"  
  
I couldn't breathe. I tried to swallow. "Why?" I managed.  
  
"I think you know why. Don't mess with me Spirit. This time, you'll get hurt."  
  
I finally found my voice. "Don't ever call here again." I pressed the disconnect button and hung up, but stayed frozen with fear.  
  
"Paige?" Spinner asked slowly.  
  
"He. . ." I choked out. "He knows where I live."  
  
He took the phone away from me and looked me in the eye. "Who does?"  
  
I met his gaze. "Dean." Saying his name was some kind of release, and I managed to move my hands again. I curled into a ball. "He knows where I live."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"He knows I told on him. He knows. He's going to hurt me. Oh, God, Spinner, he said I was going to get hurt this time." I reached in the pocket of my jeans and pulled everything out.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked. I pulled the business card that Kevin had given me out of the pile.  
  
"I can't do this," I told him, pulling the phone away from him. "I'm not pressing charges." I was about to dial his number when the phone rang again. I dropped it and froze again. My heart pounded against my ribs. Would he really call again? After several rings, Spinner picked it up.  
  
"Hello? . . oh hi Mrs. Michalchuk. . . yes, it's Spinner. . . she was just in the washroom and asked me to pick it up." I breathed a sigh of relief and he handed me the phone.  
  
"Hi mom," I said as normally as I could.  
  
"Hi sweetie. I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't going to home for dinner. You can order pizza if you want. There's some money on my dresser."  
  
"Okay, thanks."  
  
"And Spinner can stay if he wants. I'm glad you're not home alone."  
  
Me too mom, I thought, me too. "Yeah."  
  
"Okay, well, I'll see you around nine. Bye."  
  
"Bye." I hung up the phone and before I changed my mind again, dialled the cell phone number on the business card that I had been gripping.  
  
"Officer Collins," he answered.  
  
"Officer Collins, it's Paige Michalchuk." I didn't give him a chance to say anything before I blurted out, "I changed my mind. I don't want to press charges."  
  
"Has something happened?" he asked.  
  
"I don't want to press charges."  
  
"Did he threaten you?" I didn't answer him. "Paige?"  
  
"I can't to this," I whispered.  
  
"Has he said anything?"  
  
I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. "Yes," I managed.  
  
"Has he been to see you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Was it over the phone?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay. I'm going to be by to see you tomorrow. Until then, I don't want you to go anywhere alone. Make sure your doors are locked, and I want you to call me right away if anything happens."  
  
"I will," I promised. I put the phone down and started sobbing. I hated being like that and I hated crying in front of Spinner, but I couldn't stop myself. He put his arms around me gently, but didn't say anything. Everything was so confusing. It had been three and a half months since I had been raped, but it was still so fresh in my mind. Hearing his voice only made it worse.  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered, desperately trying to stop crying.  
  
"It's okay," he said softly, his tone flat. His words just brought on a fresh set of sobs. I couldn't stop them. Ever since Dean had taken control of me, my body, my soul that night, I hadn't been able to get it all back. Nothing was the same after that night.  
  
"I just want it to be over, Spin. I want to forget about it." I nuzzled his neck and closed my eyes. I felt his shirt dampen, but he didn't pull away.  
  
"It's okay," he told me again, rubbing my back gently with one of his hands. "It's going to get better."  
  
"I just want it to be over."  
  
"Paige," Ms. Sovet greeted me outside my first period class.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Can you come with me?" she asked.  
  
"I really have to get to class." It was true. Part of me wanted to go with her, but I couldn't miss anymore math. Damn linear equations.  
  
"I'll talk to your teachers," she promised. "Come on. Officer Collins is here."  
  
Good. He was here. I could tell him face to face that I didn't want to have anything else to do with pressing charges.  
  
He was sitting in the same chair as the day before, in the exact same position. The only thing that was different about him was that he was in regular clothes- dark jeans and a brown sweater. He had a folder in his hands.  
  
"Hi, Paige. I'm going to try not to take up all of your time today, but there's a couple of things we need to take care of."  
  
"No. There's not. I told you last night. I don't want to press charges."  
  
He nodded. "I thought you might say that. He threatened you last night, scared you out of pressing charges, didn't he?"  
  
I didn't look at him and shrugged.  
  
"And you're worried about what he might do?"  
  
"A little," I admitted, still not looking at him.  
  
He pulled out a paper from his folder. "This is a restraining order. Do you know what that does?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"It means that Dean can't go within 500 metres of your house. If he sees you in public, he can't approach you, and he can't call you."  
  
"What if he does?"  
  
"He'll be arrested."  
  
"So he can't bug me anymore?"  
  
"If you sign it."  
  
"Do I still have to press charges?"  
  
"The restraining order will be more strongly enforced, and we can tack on more charges if you press charges."  
  
What were my options? Sign it and have the chance of Dean going to jail for breaking it, or press charges, sign and have him go to jail for longer?  
  
"Fine," I said softly.  
  
"Good. I have a meeting with your mom later today, so I'll get her to sign it too." He handed me the paper and a pen. I took a deep breath, skimmed over it and signed it at the bottom. Then it hit me. My mom? I didn't want her to know that he had called.  
  
"You can't tell her about him calling."  
  
"I won't, but if she asks, I have to tell her."  
  
I shook my head, but said nothing. "Is there anything else?"  
  
"If he contacts you, call me right away. If you think you're in any danger, call 911. Tell them that you have a restraining order, and they'll pick him up." I nodded. "It takes a lot of guts to do what you're doing."  
  
"Thanks," I said, standing up. I got to the doorway, turned around and waited for a minute. "What did he say?"  
  
"Dean?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He exhaled. "I'm not allowed to tell you that. Off the record, he says the sex was consensual."  
  
I swallowed the lump in my throat and refused to cry. "And you believe him?"  
  
"I don't. But I don't have any evidence to prove it. But I'll find some. I promise."  
  
I didn't say anything else. I just left. I walked out of the office, then into the halls. I just kept walking, running. I ended up on the field, running and running, no idea where I was going, what I was doing. No one was around.  
  
At least I thought.  
  
Finally, I stopped, my feet aching and lungs burning, and collapsed to the ground, sobbing. My head was spinning, my stomach churning, body shaking. I looked around. My school. There was a time where my status here meant everything. Now it meant nothing. None of that stuff mattered anymore. 


	4. Innocent

Whoo! New Chapter! Sorry about the non-existant updates last week, and then the site wouldn't let me upload this chapter. (I was sick. . . took 5 doctors a week to figure out what was wrong, but enough about me). Hopefully this chapter doesn't lack too much action. I've got a whole lot of description. This will get better. I promise.  
  
Please people, respond!  
  
"Paige, you're late," Mr. Powell, my English teacher scolded when I got in. I slipped into the seat next to Ashley.  
  
"Sorry," I mumbled.  
  
"Do you have a note?"  
  
"No. I was in the washroom. I'm. . . not feeling well."  
  
"That's the second time this week." I braced myself for a lecture, but didn't get any.  
  
"Paige," Ashley whispered near the end of class when Mr. Powell finally stopped talking. He was a nice enough guy, an awesome teacher, but he could talk incessentantly. "Are you feeling okay?"  
  
I shrugged. "I guess as well as you'd expect."  
  
"I mean physically."  
  
I shrugged. "I just haven't been feeling great lately. That's all."  
  
"You said he worse a condom, right?"  
  
I shuddered at the thought of it. "Yeah, Why?"  
  
"Did you get your period since it happened."  
  
"Ash, where's this coming from." I felt like I was going to be sick.  
  
"Have you?"  
  
"Yes! I'm not pregnant."  
  
"Okay. I just wanted to check. How are you doing otherwise?"  
  
"I told you." The bell rang. I gathered my books.  
  
"You'll talk to me if you need to, right?  
  
I nodded. "Thanks, Ash." We started walking out, and Mr. Powell stopped me.  
  
"Can you stay behind a minute?" he asked.  
  
"I'll be late for my next class."  
  
"I'll write you a note." I had no choice. I waited for him to say something.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked. "You were doing really well, then your grades dropped. Then you finally started to bring them back up, and you're slipping again. Is everything alright?"  
  
"Everything's fine."  
  
"Then why aren't you doing your work?"  
  
"It's been a week!"  
  
"Then don't let it turn into a month. Is there anything I can do to help?"  
  
"What's with people wanting to help?!"  
  
"People are just worried about you."  
  
"Maybe part of my problem is people won't butt out of my life! This is none of your business! I don't want to talk about it, and even if I did, there's nothing you can do! Just leave me alone!"  
  
He nodded. "If you decide to talk, I'm here. Otherwise, I want a note next time you're late."  
  
I slammed the door shut when I got home. I locked the door and knocked my head against the door. I had had an awful day, and it just seemed to keep getting worse. I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water when I saw someone sitting at the kitchen table.  
  
"Shit!" I shouted before I could stop myself. "Mom, you scared me."  
  
She didn't tell me to watch my language. "Sit down, Paige," she told me, a serious expression on her face. I opened the fridge, pulled out a coke and sat across from her.  
  
"I talked to officer Collins today. He told me about the restraining order." I braced myself for a lecture on not telling her about him calling.  
  
"I think it's a great idea. I want to make sure that you're safe at home."  
  
"I agree," I said quickly, relieved. I opened my coke, but didn't take a sip.  
  
"And as far as pressing charges go, I want you to know that I'm here for you."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"I'm no idiot Paige. I know that the past couple of months have been hard on you. I've been really proud of the way you've handled everything."  
  
"Thanks," I said again.  
  
"I have to get to the airport. Are you going to be okay? Mike'll be home soon."  
  
"He's not working tonight?" My brother worked ridiculously long hours, and usually didn't come home until eleven or twelve, even thought he was still in high school.  
  
"I asked him to take the night off. I have to go to Montreal tonight. I'll be back Friday night. He's going to be here until then."  
  
"Fine." She got up and kissed me on the forehead. "I'll see you Friday. Love you."  
  
"Love you too, mom." I watched her leave, feeling about five years old, watching my mommy go off to work, then went upstairs to check my e-mail. I switched on my computer and I sat down in my chair and waited for the computer to turn on. I hated the times when there was silence. I never felt safe in the silence. He had hurt me in silence. He didn't have to say anything. He could be in my room right now, waiting in silence. I brought my legs up onto the chair, too scared to look in my closet at the risk I would find him lurking there.  
  
I switched on my CD player and put on Our Lady Peace's CD. I tried to get lost in the sounds, the beat, like I normally could in an OLP induced coma, but today it just felt like they were mocking me. "We are, we are all innocent, we are all innocent". I wasn't. I wasn't innocent. I was a slut. There was a time when I had convinced myself that it wasn't my fault, but I had been to naive to know better. I turned off my CD player and logged into my e-mail account. 27 new messages, the screen told me. I clicked on my inbox. Immediately, I saw that all the new messages had one name beside them.  
  
Dean Roberts.  
  
I clicked on one and with my heart pounding, it came onto the screen.  
  
'I warned you Spirit', it read. 'I told you to back off I told you not to mess with me or youd get hurt + now u will pay. cant wait til the next time we get 2gether'  
  
I just stared at the computer for a minute. Then two minutes. And two minutes turned into ten as I played over each horrifying possible scenario in my head. Then, with remarkable calmness, I hit the 'compose' button on my browser and typed in the e-mail address Officer Collins had given me. I typed a quick note, still not able to process my actions, and attached all the e-mails from Dean, then sent them. Then I sat there for another minute. . . two minutes. . . half hour. . .  
  
I reluctantly reached for the phone that snapped me out of my daze. I put it to my ear, but it took me a minute before I could manage a 'hello'.  
  
"Paige? It's Kevin Collins."  
  
I swallowed hard, relieved that it was him, not Dean. "Hi," I barely managed.  
  
"I got the e-mails you forwarded me."  
  
"Um. . . right." It took me a minute to remember. "Can you arrest him now?"  
  
He hesitated. "I tracked the IP address- It's a code that's sent out whenever a computer sends out any information over the internet. It came from Bardell High School, but there's no way of saying for sure that it came from Dean.  
  
Tears burned under my eyes, but I wiped them away. "So he gets it away again?"  
  
"We'll get him, I promise."  
  
"So that's a yes?"  
  
"Paige, I know that it's discouraging, but-"  
  
"No," I said calmly, "You don't." I hung up slowly, and just sat there, perfectly straight. The setting sun reflected off something shiny under my bed. I was hypnotized by it and walked towards it. It was one of the shoes that I had bought the night I went to the party. The other one was sitting behind it. I pulled them out, still hypnotized with them, examined them, slowly turning them. All of a sudden I brought them up over my head and threw them on the ground, then beat them into the ground over and over. I couldn't stop, I couldn't think, all I could do was pound them harder and harder into the ground. Those shoes, that outfit, that hair: all of it had completly ruined my life. I took all my efforts and hit it as hard as possible, and the chunky heel shattered into a bunch of large pieces. Something inside burst, and threre was another sudden calm as I picked up once of the big, sharp, pieces. With a trembling hand, I brought it to my arm, and turned it over to almost touching my wrist, then slowly drew it across. It hurt, but there was something soothing about the crimson blood slowly oozing to the surface and spilling over. 


	5. No One To Turn To

I'm sooooo sorry. I completly suck. I just did what I've critisized so many authors for doing. I left it hanging for way too long. I had exams, then I got really lazy, and then I got kicked off the computer. But I'm back now, and I promise that I'll write more often.  
  
This chapter is kinda strange. I'd really appreciate some feedback on how you think this story's going. If there's something you like, or don't like, let me know. Or if you can tell me what AU and flames are. I'm still new at the whole fanfic thing.  
  
Now, I bet if you think really, really hard, you can figure out what's coming next. Come on, I know you can do it. See, it wasn't that hard. You already knew that I don't own any of the characters.  
  
"Hey, Paige, wait up!" Hazel called out the next day at school. "Paige!"  
  
I reluctantly slowed down and waited for her to catch up. "What's wrong with you?" she asked, then didn't wait for an answer. "Did you hear about Terri- what happened to your arm?"  
  
I glanced down where I had wrapped gauze around my wrist. "I. . . uh. . . I had an allergic reaction to my watch yesterday. Totally gross."  
  
"Oh, okay, anyways, Terri said to-"  
  
I stopped and turned around. "I don't care," I said plainly.  
  
"What?" Hazel asked, stunned.  
  
"I don't care about whatever gossip you're telling me thirdhand."  
  
Hazel looked like I had slapped her. "What's going on with you lately, Paige? You're friends with Ashley again, you don't show up for Spirit Squad meetings. . . ever since Dean came here, you've been completely different. He's gone. Relax."  
  
It was my turn to feel like I had been slapped. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her into our first-period class. I didn't bother checking who was in there. "You want me to relax, forget about it? First he raped me, then he followed me around the other day, now he won't stop threatening me. He's not gone Hazel! He's with me all the time. I can't go to sleep without seeing his face. And then I have to deal with you being all high and mighty, thinking you know me! You have no idea what I've been through, and you will never understand unless something like that happens to you. So just shut up! I don't want to hear you justify to me why you act like you do. I don't care about gossip, I don't care about Spirit Squad, and I don't care that you think you understand what it's like to be raped!"  
  
Hazel pursed her lips together, as if she was going to reply, but I could see the hurt look in her eyes. She turned around on her heels and stomped out of the room. I slid down against the nearest wall and put my head in my hands. How had everything gotten so out of control? I never, ever would have spoken to Hazel like that before. She could be a major flake, but she was still my best friend. And I just kept pushing her away. I had no one. As popular as I seemed, the realisation of that fact hit me like a ton of bricks. I could have had friends if I hadn't been a jerk to all of them and driven them away, and then just gotten in with a group of flakes with similar styles. I had Spinner. I had Ashley. That was it. And I needed someone more than ever.   
  
I started sobbing, and I could hear footsteps coming over to me. I realized that I had never checked if anyone was in the class. It was to early. Who would be in class half an hour before class?  
  
"Here," a male voice said, a hand outstretched, holding out a box of Kleenex. "You look like you could use some." I looked up and saw Mr. Simpson.  
  
"Thanks," I mumbled, grabbing one a wiping my eyes. I couldn't help but notice the globs of make-up that had come off. Why did I do that to myself? "How much of that did you hear?"  
  
He pulled out a chair from the nearest desk and sat down. "I'm guessing all of it."  
  
"So you know?"  
  
He nodded. "Have you talked to anyone?"  
  
I nodded, but didn't say anything.  
  
"Have you pressed charges?"  
  
"Pressing charges don't mean anything."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"He's called me and threatened me and e-mailed me since this happened." I couldn't believe that I was opening up to him, but I needed to talk to someone. Not Ms. Sovet- she didn't help anymore. I knew what she was going to say. But for some reason, I could talk to Mr. Simpson.  
  
"And nothing's happened to him?"  
  
I shrugged. "The police can't prove anything. And now I've just ruined things with my best friend."  
  
"She'll get over it. When did this happen?"  
  
"Couple of months ago."  
  
"And you said he was stalking you?"  
  
"He came here. . . to Degrassi for the basket-ball finals. He followed me around all day. I guess it wasn't really stalking." I looked at the people who were starting to head to their classes. "I should go get cleaned up before home room."  
  
He nodded. I stood up and threw the Kleenex out. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"  
  
"It's not my place to tell if you're getting counselling. I don't think you're going to hurt yourself, so I'm not obligated to by law."  
  
As if on cue, my wrist started throbbing. "Thanks." He was right. It wasn't his place to tell. It also wasn't however heard us talking business. . .  
  
At lunch, I didn't bother acknowledging the table I usually sit with. I just went and sat down beside Ashley. Ellie raised her eyebrows when I first sat down, but didn't say anything. I had never felt like such an outsider.  
  
Ashley caught up with me in the washroom after school. "Hey," she said softly, putting her hand on my shoulder. "What's wrong?"  
  
I shook my head and scrubbed my face, trying to get every trace of makeup off. "It's nothing."  
  
"Paige. . ."  
  
"I had a fight with Hazel this morning, that's all. . . and I got some e-mails from Dean last night."  
  
"More than one?"  
  
I nodded, hoping she wouldn't ask anything more.  
  
"How many?"  
  
"Twenty-seven," I mumbled. Her eyes grew wide. "It's not fair, Ash. He can do whatever he wants to me, but never gets in trouble for it, even when I have proof."  
  
"Did you talk to officer Collins?"  
  
"I sent them to him. He said that because he sent them from Bardell, it could have been someone pretending to be him."  
  
"So he doesn't get in trouble for it?"  
  
"Yep." I shrugged, pretending it wasn't affecting me as much as it was. "I'll see you tomorrow." I opened the door and heard voices outside the washroom. I stayed where I was and listened when I heard my name.  
  
"Yeah, Paige is jealous. Can't blame her though." It was a girl's voice. I recognized it, but couldn't quite identify it.  
  
"Let's not talk about Paige," a guys voice said. "What I wanted to talk to you about was a party this weekend. Do you wanna come?"  
  
I felt like I was going to be sick. Dean was here. At Degrassi. How could he be here when he wasn't allowed to be. I closed the door and leaned against it for a minute, then opened my bag and pulled out my cell phone.  
  
"Officer Collins," he answered in his usual way.  
  
"He's here. Dean's here," I blurted out.  
  
"Paige?" he asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Where is he?"  
  
"He's at school. You said he couldn't be here and he is."  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"At school."  
  
"Are you near him? Has he seen you?"  
  
"I'm in the washroom. He's standing outside. He didn't see me."  
  
"Is anyone with you?"  
  
"Yeah." I looked at Ashley who was just watching me, concerned. She seemed to understand what was going on.  
  
"Get however is with you to wait at the front. I'll meet them and they can bring me to where Dean is. I don't want to you talk to him, okay?"  
  
"Okay," I said softly.  
  
"I'll be there in a couple of minutes." Before I could respond, he hung up. I turned of my phone and just stood there, stunned that even Dean would break a restraining order. Didn't he know what they meant?  
  
"Ash," I said softly. "Can you go wait at the front of the school?"  
  
"Sure. But why?"  
  
"Officer Collins is coming. He said to have someone waiting and to bring him here."  
  
"I'll go, but will you be okay?"  
  
"Yeah," I said softly. I closed my eyes and leaned against the sinks, and heard the soft thud of the door closing. I hit my head softly against the sinks. I needed to escape.  
  
I opened my bag again and searched for my nail kit. I pulled my nail file with the sharpest edge out and lifted my pant leg. No one would see this time. I took a deep breath and drew the blade across my leg. I winced in pain, but I felt some sort of relief as the blood oozed out. I was fascinated by it. It was almost as if my pain was leaving, bleeding out of me. I pulled my pant leg down, put my nail file away and curled my legs into my chest. It hurt, and I felt guilty for doing it, but there was a strange comfort. It was like I finally had control over something, the only thing I had control over.  
  
The door opened, and I saw Ashley coming towards me. "Officer Collins is here," she told me. I got up and stood by the door, keeping it slightly open. I could see Dean talking to Manny, who stood aside, stunned, when Officer Collins came towards him.  
  
"Do you know what a restraining order means?" he asked Dean. Dean was a pretty big guy, but Officer Collins was almost five inches taller than him, making Dean walk backwards into the lockers. I had to smile at the sight of him frightened for once.  
  
"Hey, you just said that I couldn't go near Paige." Even under pressure, he kept up his smart-ass attitude.  
  
"Do you even comprehend what you're doing? This is breaking the law."  
  
"Public place."  
  
Manny turned to Dean. "I should go. Thanks for lunch" My eyes widened. I would have never believed that when a police officer was talking to anyone, Manny would mutter a word.  
  
"You told me I couldn't go near Paige. How was I supposed to know that she would be here?"  
  
"I warned you," Officer Collins continued, getting angrier. "You had knowledge that she would be in this school."  
  
"I came to surprise my girlfriend. We just wanted to spend the afternoon together."  
  
"Here."  
  
"They don't hire cops for their brains, do they? Of course here."  
  
"I'm going to say this once more. You stay away from Paige. You do not contact her under any circumstances. You don't call her or e-mail her. You do not stop by her school during school hours. You do not go near her house at any time. You better make damn sure that no one from your school has you e-mail password, because if an e-mail ever ends up sent to her with your name attached from you school account, I will charge you with it. Do you have any trouble understanding what I've said?"  
  
Dean glared at him, but didn't say anything. His eyes were cold, angry, almost challenging him. Kevin pushed him into the lockers. From the sound of the bang, he pushed Dean hard.  
  
"I asked you if you understood me."  
  
"Yeah, I understand you."  
  
"Good. Now come with me."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"You're under arrest."  
  
"Are you on crack?! What the hell did I do?"  
  
"Let's see, trespassing, breaking a court order, harassment, you know, we've got some time before I have to write up a report, I'm sure I could add to the list." He grabbed Dean by the arm and started leading him towards the main doors. I watched them walk out, and waited another minute, then exhaled deeply, realizing that I probably hadn't been breathing the whole time. Ashley and I stepped out of the washroom.  
  
"Why don't you try that support group again," she suggested.  
  
I shook my head. "I just want to go home."  
  
"Do you want a ride?"  
  
I just wanted time to myself. "No, it's okay. I'll just walk."  
  
"Okay. Do you mind if I borrow your cell phone?"  
  
"No, go ahead." I started rummaging through my bag.  
  
"Paige," Officer Collins said, coming down the hall. "I wanted to catch you before you left."  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked, forgetting the cell phone. Ashley started searching through it herself.  
  
"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Did he talk to you at all?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Did you get anymore phone calls or e-mails from him?"  
  
"No phone calls. I haven't checked my e-mail."  
  
"Good. I checked into it last night and we might be able to press charges for the e-mails."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I have to- Paige, you're bleeding."  
  
I looked down at my jeans where the blood had started soaking through. At the same time, I saw Ashley pull out the nail file, still covered in my blood.  
  
"Paige," Officer Collins asked. "What's going on?" 


	6. The Second Victim

This chapter SUCKS. I've got so much of my own characters that I don't think that I should be putting this under a fanfic. But, I promise, it will get better soon, and Spinner will play a major part in it. Me hopes you likes.  
  
Oh, I'm soooo sorry for the way the formatting has been screwed up in previous chapters. I'm trying to fix this one so that it's clear where the scenes change.  
  
And I don't own these characters. I don't really own the storyline either. I don't own the computer I'm writing this on. I really don't seem to own a lot.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I felt completely trapped. I had no idea how to explain it, and they were both waiting for an explanation. My mind searched for an explanation.  
  
"I, uh, broke my nail after you left. I was sitting with my legs against my chest when I was filing my nails, and my hand was resting on my knee. It slipped and I wound up cutting my leg." Ashley seemed to buy it, but officer Collins didn't. Thankfully, he didn't say anything.  
  
"I've done that before," Ash offered. "It hurts. I'll see you tomorrow. Call me if you need anything." Her ride and my cell phone seemed to be forgotten.  
  
"Despite popular belief, I'm not an idiot," he said when she was out of earshot. "I know that you didn't do that by filing your nails."  
  
"I did," I protested.  
  
"Then why didn't your jeans rip?" He had me there. "Look, I'm not going to pretend that I know how you're feeling. What happened to you is awful, and the fact that we can't charge him yet is even worse. But I do know that however bad it is, it's not worth what you're doing to yourself."  
  
"What do you know?"  
  
"A lot more than you may think." He pulled up his sleeve on his left arm and revealed many scars. They weren't all that obvious, but they were there. "I have a legal obligation to report this."  
  
"Please, you can't."  
  
"I have to."  
  
"It's not like I've done this before!"  
  
"Are you going to tell me that your wrist is wrapped up because you fell on some broken glass?"  
  
"That was the first time. I swear. I won't do this again. Please."  
  
He sighed. "Believe it or not, I'm trying to help you."  
  
"I know. Just don't tell anyone."  
  
"I won't, on the condition that you continue talking to Ms. Sovet at least once a week, and you go to a support group at least twice."  
  
"I've tried those before. They don't work."  
  
"There's one that works very closely with the police. They meet twice a week, at the rec centre near your house. If you don't, I will talk to your mom."  
  
"Fine," I agreed.  
  
"And if I ever see that you've cut again-"  
  
"You won't."  
  
"Good. But if I do, I will report it."  
  
"I know. What were you saying about charging him?"  
  
"I don't want to get your hopes up yet, but each student at Bardell has their own login for the computer. If I can prove that the computer was logged in under his name, I should be able to charge him. And that will get the ball rolling. Then, we might be able to charge him for the phone call. And if we can prove that he was threatening and harassing you, then we might be able to prove that he raped you."  
  
I refused to be happy. I couldn't get my hopes up, and then have them crashed again. I just nodded.  
  
"Do you have a ride?"  
  
I shook my head. "I was going to walk."  
  
"Why don't you let me drive you?"  
  
As much as I wanted to be alone, my leg was burning, and I didn't trust myself to make it home without falling apart. "Is he going to be in the car?"  
  
"No, he's gone. I called back-up and they've already taken him." I reluctantly agreed.  
  
"Just one thing," I told him as we were getting in the car. "Can you drop me off a couple of blocks away. My neighbours gossip a lot."  
  
He agreed. "You should really clean that cut."  
  
"I will. What time do I have to be at this support group thing?"  
  
"Six o'clock. . . do you know the girl that Dean was with today?"  
  
Manny. "Kind of. I tried warning her before. She doesn't believe me."  
  
"You've talked to her about it before?"  
  
"She wouldn't listen."  
  
"Some people just don't."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I met him when I was playing co-ed soccer at his school. He was on his schools team. He asked me out after the game."  
  
I looked up at the girl. She looked my age with shoulder length red hair. She had pale skin, and a beauty mark just above her lip. I got goose bumps listening to her.  
  
"He was good-looking, popular, the whole package. I don't get a lot of attention from guys. It felt good. So I went to the party.  
  
"I got there, and he focussed on me. It was like I was the only one he was interested in. So, when he asked me to go outside, I said yes.  
  
"We went into his car. I felt a little uncomfortable, but I let it go. We went into the back, and he kissed me. Hard. I told him to stop. He wouldn't. I told him again and again. But the more I said it, the harder he pushed. Finally he. . . he pulled his pants. . . he. . ." she started breaking down. "He raped me," she finally whispered. I locked eyes with her. I had to talk to her. Was it possible that Dean had raped her too?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Hey," I said to her softly after the meeting had been "officially" ended. I sat down beside her. "It's Jena, right?"  
  
"Yeah," she said softly. "I'm sorry, I don't remember your name."  
  
"It's Paige."  
  
"You're new here, aren't you?"  
  
"What was his name?" I blurted out.  
  
She looked surprised. "Who?"  
  
"The guy who. . . the guy."  
  
She looked at her hands. "Dean Roberts." 


	7. Ashamed

Oh man, you guys are AWESOME! I love you all! Thanks so much for all the reviews! Now I feel bad that this chapter is so short. But, be that as it may, it hasn't taken nearly as long as some of the other chapters for me to post. So, I shouldn't feel that bad.  
  
Hopefully, I'll have the next chapter within a couple of days. Until then, harass Proud2BBlonde into posting the next chapter in her story.  
  
BTW, I really have no idea what Paige's brother is like (all I know is his name and that's he's gay), I have no idea what Dean's last name is (so I took the last name of the actor who plays him) and I think that the timing I have in the story is a bit off (I don't know when the rape took place, but it aired in November, so I put that as the time).  
  
Well, I don't want to be sued because I burnt the kettle yesterday and had to buy a new one with my new paycheck, so I should let you know that none of these characters are mine. Well. . . some of them are. But I stole them off peole I knew and other TV shows, so. . . I'll just let you read the story.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I had been expecting to hear her say his name, but it still shocked me. I just sat there gaping. She didn't seem to notice. Finally I managed to regain control of myself in time for her to ask me, "You know him too, don't you?" She hadn't looked at me until she said it, then her eyes locked mine and wouldn't let go.  
  
"Yeah," I managed. "I know him."  
  
She nodded, still not breaking her gaze. "He's an animal. He doesn't care about the girls, or them saying no, or who he hurts. And once he's used one of them up, he spits her out and throws her away. And he's already lining up his next conquest."  
  
"When. . . when did this happen?"  
  
"November second."  
  
I nearly choked on the gum I chewing. That was a week before me. I couldn't believe that he could do it again, let alone so soon after.  
  
"Did you ever talk to the police?" I asked.  
  
"It was too late. I'd never seen a doctor, and there was no one from the party who could say that I had been there. He just got away with it again."  
  
"What do you mean again?"  
  
"I've met four other girls who've been raped by Dean. None of them pressed charges."  
  
"Were any of them here today?"  
  
"Not today, but Christina and Jordan will be here on Tuesday."  
  
"There must be some way to stop him, isn't there?"  
  
Jena shrugged. "If you've got any ideas, I'm open to suggestions."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I don't get it, Spin. He's done this to so many girls, and none of them have gotten him arrested." I sat crossed legged on my bad, cradling the phone with my shoulder, fiddling with my hair, and talking with Spinner after the meeting. Talk about multi-tasking. "Why should I be any different?"  
  
"How many of the girls have pressed charges?"  
  
"One, other than me. I just. . . why can't they stop him? I mean, if enough people complain, shouldn't that be enough?"  
  
"I don't know," he replied. "But I agree with you, it's not fair."  
  
"And Manny won't listen to me."  
  
"Manny?"  
  
"She's dating Dean. She's going to get hurt. Why can't she see that?"  
  
"She doesn't want to hear it."  
  
"I guess." I gave up on my hair and just let it down. "Anyways, let's change the subject, I don't want to think about him before I go to sleep."  
  
"Why don't I take you to dinner tomorrow?"  
  
I smiled. "That sounds great."  
  
"Paige, have you seen the- oh sorry, I didn't know you were on the phone."  
  
"Spin, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Okay. Bye."  
  
"Bye." I hung up and turned my attention to my brother, Mikey. "What were you looking for?"  
  
"Do you have any idea where mom hid the blender?"  
  
"Cabinet next to the sink. Why do you need the blender?"  
  
"Milkshakes. You coming?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So you wanna talk about it?" Mikey asked, handing me a thick, very chocolatey milkshake.  
  
"Talk about what?" I asked, taking a sip.  
  
"What's bugging you."  
  
"It's just. . . girl stuff."  
  
"You mean guys?" he laughed. "I think I can give you a bit of insight there." He was right. He probably could, better than anyone else I knew. My brother was gay.  
  
"Yeah. There's just one who's giving me a hard time."  
  
"What do you mean by a hard time?"  
  
I took another sip of my milkshake, but was quickly losing my appetite. "We went on a date, and things didn't work out, and he's just been bugging me." I wish.  
  
"What's going on with you and Spinner?"  
  
I felt a smile creep across my face at the mention of his name. "We've moved into the more than friends category."  
  
"Really? Since when?"  
  
"Not that long. But things are. . ." I grinned. "Things are really good. Just don't try to steal him from me." I took a long gulp. He looked up and made a face.  
  
"You think you're so cute, don't you?"  
  
"I know I am." I hadn't talked to him for so long. I felt more like myself just joking around with him.  
  
"Really?" he asked, coming closer to me.  
  
"Don't you dare," I warned, smiling.  
  
"You think you're that cute?" He smiled and started tickling me. I backed into the counter and felt unbelievably claustrophobic. I felt trapped, and most of all, I felt Dean.  
  
"Get off," I cried, desperately pushing him. I got free, and I ran to my room and slammed the door.  
  
"Paige!" I heard him shout after me. I sunk down behind my door, everything thing good I had felt escaping me in my sobs.  
  
"Paige," he shouted again, this time right on the other side of my door. "Paige, what's going on? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tickled you. Paige, just talk to me."  
  
I had never felt as ashamed as I had at that moment. Ashamed that Dean had touched me. Ashamed that I had let him. And ashamed that no matter what I did, I couldn't stop being Dean's victim.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I feel the need to reiterate my previous comments: You guys rock! I love you all! 


	8. Everything's Fine

WARNING: This chapter is basically all filler. No real content, but is leading up to good chapters, I promise! Most of the suggestions of yours I've already got planned into it. I'd let you know which ones, but that would give waaaay too much away.  
  
And once again, you guys are so unbelievably AWESOME! Thanks so much for the kind reviews!  
  
Right now, there are a ton of similar fics goting around the site. I promise, I'm not stealing from any of them, but great minds do think alike, so it ends up very similar. You should check some of them out: How to Deal by Proud-2B-Blonde, I'll be There by MudBloodPie and Gimme Danger by Linz005 (I have no permission from any of them to post their names here, so give them lots of awesome reviews, and hopefully, they'll forgive me.  
  
(All in a whispery voice): Now, I have something very important to tell you all. Lean in close or the government might hear us. But I don't own these people, or this show, or the government.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Wow, you look great," Spinner told me when I sat down across from him the pizza place.  
  
"Thanks." Normally I would have made some stupid comment, but I decided to go for humble instead. I didn't know why he was saying that, though. I wasn't wearing any make-up and I had just put my hair in a ponytail. It couldn't have been the clothes either- I was just wearing a long-sleeved black v-neck top, and regular jeans, neither of which were tight or revealing.  
  
After my incident with Mikey the night before, I had made a decision. I had to get control. And I had a plan for how I was going to do so.  
  
"You look different," he said, studying me. Darn, I shouldn't have gone without make-up. "I don't know what it is."  
  
"I'm not wearing any make-up."  
  
"It looks good." I felt myself blush. I couldn't believe that I was blushing. I decided to put my plan into action.  
  
"Do you want to come over after dinner?" I asked. He looked up, surprised. "I've still got the movie that we never finished the other day.  
  
"I guess. Sure."  
  
I wanted to throw in a little attitude, a little Paige-ness to make my next comments sound less serious, but I couldn't find them. "Spin, I haven't really been fair to you. I mean, you've been so awesome with this whole Dean thing, and I appreciate it, but I think it's time for me to start making up for it."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dinner was great, but I could barely sit through it. I was anxious to get back to my house. I had to see if I could finally get everything back. If I could be in the same room, have physical contact with someone and in control. So, when we got back and the movie I safely underway, I leaned over and kissed him. Hard.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You are so adorable."  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Come here." He layed me down on the bed. It seemed a bit fast to be on the bed already. "Is this okay?"  
  
"No. I mean, yeah." He kissed me fully on the lips, deeper than before. I didn't feel quite right. "Just take it slow, okay?" He kissed me even harder, then trailed down to my neck. Harder, and harder. This wasn't right. I tensed up. "Dean, I said slow."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I fought the memories flooding my mind, and I leaned against him. He lied back, and I stayed on top of him. This was okay. I was in control.  
  
Then why wasn't I breathing properly? Why did I feel so sick?  
  
I pushed through my thoughts, my conscience, my memories, my uncomfortable physical reaction and just kept kissing him.  
  
"Paige, hold on," he told me, pulling away gently. "Are you okay with this?"  
  
I nodded, but didn't trust my voice.  
  
"Then why are you shaking?"  
  
I never got a chance to answer. The lights came on and I saw Mikey sanding in the doorway. I quickly got up. Spinner followed.  
  
"Paige," he greeted in such a way that I couldn't read his tone. "Spinner."  
  
"I should probably go," he told me as if it was some major discovery. "But we still need to talk."  
  
"I'll call you tomorrow," I promised. He picked up his coat, said hi to Mikey, and a quick 'bye' from the doorway.  
  
"I'm going to bed," I said softly and got up. When he didn't say anything, I started heading towards the stairs.  
  
"Paige, wait." I turned around slowly, folded my arms across my chest and waited in a classic Paige-is-annoyed stance.  
  
"What?" I asked. My tone didn't come out as annoyed as I had hoped.  
  
"Can we talk?" Since mom wasn't here, I was expecting a lecture. Instead, he sounded like a friend. He was heading towards the kitchen. I followed and found him filling the blender with milkshake ingredients. I pulled up a stool at the counter.  
  
"What do you want to talk about?" Still, not bratty enough to sound like me.  
  
"Last night you said nothing was going on, then had a meltdown when I tickled you. Then today, I find you in the dark groping Spinner. Is something going on with him?" He put the lid on the blender and turned it on.  
  
"Nothing is going on with Spinner."  
  
"How about school?"  
  
"School's fine."  
  
"Cheerleading?"  
  
"It's fine."  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"Why does something have to be wrong?!"  
  
He turned off the blender, pulled out two glasses, and poured the contents into two glasses. He set one down in front of me before he spoke again. "Because as much as you may not believe this, I know you. And I know no matter how annoying, or manipulative, or catty, or just plain mean you can be, you aren't acting like yourself."  
  
"Maybe I've just become a nicer person."  
  
He raised his eyebrows. "Maybe," he allowed. "But you've never been self-conscious before. You've never looked so. . . so sad. And maybe at times you can be nicer than you usually are, but most of the time, you're distant, upset, depressed even."  
  
"And you think that throwing out a bunch of adjectives is going to change whatever the mysterious illness that's changed my attitude?" There, that sounded a bit more like me.  
  
He looked hurt. "Do whatever you want Paige. There's a message for you from Officer Collins."  
  
I looked up, wondering what he knew. "What did it say?"  
  
He shrugged. "Something about the charges against Don."  
  
He had my attention now. "Do you mean Dean?"  
  
"Could have been." He looked me straight in the eye. "Now do you want to tell me what's going on? Wasn't he the guy you were obsessing over a couple of months ago? Didn't you go out with him?"  
  
"I kind of did." I looked at the milkshake in front of me.  
  
"And the police are involved because?"  
  
My stomach roiled. "Things got out of hand."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled, not looking at him.  
  
"Paige, did he touch you?"  
  
My head shot up. "I said I don't want to talk about it!"  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"What aren't you getting?!"  
  
"Just hot far did he take it?"  
  
"Shut up!" I shouted.  
  
"Paige. . ."  
  
I picked up the glass from in front of me and hurled it at the cupboards. It shattered, spilling brown liquid all over the place.  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered, rushing over to the mess and reached for the paper towels. Tears sprung from my eyes. "I just- I. . ."  
  
"It's okay," he told me, kneeling beside me, and putting his hand on my back. "I shouldn't have pushed you. Don't worry about the mess. I'll clean it up." He went for the paper towels, and realised we were out. "I'll get them. Why don't you take a bath or something?"  
  
I nodded as he headed for the basement. And I headed towards my room. And all without him knowing about the piece of glass I had hidden in my hand.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I have a poll for those of you who are brave enough to embarge on the mission that is giving a review: I have an idea for a chapter that goes PERFECTLY with a chapter I'm working on in my head. Do you guys find if I turn one chapter into a kind-of sonfic? (I won't tell you what the song is at the risk that it might influence your decision). If you don't lyrics in the chapter, I won't put them, or if you want them, I will. 


	9. A New Plan

Thanks so much for the reviews! I love you guys!  
  
Due to popular demand, I won't be making a songfic chapter, but if you Dmail me, I'll send you a copy of the chapter with the song in it. It'll be out soon.  
  
I know I've got a lot of "Mary Sue"'s in this story, but give it a chance. I'm trying to incorporate as many degrassi characters as possible. There will be more soon.  
  
I know these chapters are a little short, but will come at a consistent pace.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Tuesday night, I went back to the support group. I talked to the two other girls about Manny, and we all decided what I needed to do.  
  
"Manny, can I talk to you?" I asked, coming up behind her. I put my hand on her shoulder and she turned around.  
  
"What do you want?" she asked icily. My heart pounded in my chest. Was I too late? Had he already hurt her? "Do you want to badmouth my boyfriend some more, or maybe you just want to spread some more rumours about him so that someone else will beat him up."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me. Someone heard the rumours you've been spreading about Dean, and decided to hurt him. Or did you just sleep with someone to get them to beat up Dean?"  
  
"Manny, look, God knows you're not my favourite person, but you have got to listen to me. I have no idea what rumours are going around, and I can promise you that I didn't spread them."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Just listen to me! I know you want to believe that Dean is this great guy. Why not, he's gorgeous, he's charming and he's popular. But he has hurt me, and it's not about him never calling me back. He raped me, Manny. And I know five other girls who've been raped by him. And he's going to hurt you if you don't break up with him soon."  
  
She nodded. "That was a really good performance. You almost had me convinced. But you'd be a lot more convincing if you weren't a manipulative, cold-hearted bitch." She turned around and walked away from me. Frustrated, I stomped over to my locker. I opened it, and just stared at what was inside.  
  
"Are you okay?" Spinner asked, coming up behind me.  
  
"Have you heard any rumours about me?"  
  
"No. Why?"  
  
"I tried talking to Manny. Apparently, I've been spreading rumours about Dean. I just assumed that they were about me as well." I looked at his hand and realised that his right knuckle was cut up.  
  
"What happened to your hand?" I asked.  
  
"I, uh. . . was using my punching bag yesterday and I forgot to wrap my hands."  
  
I pretended to accept that as an answer and spent the rest of the day wondering if Spinner had beat up Dean.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Mikey was sprawled out on the couch, watching TV when I came home. I tickled his feet and he moved his feet enough so I could sit down.  
  
"Why are you home this early?" I asked.  
  
"I skipped my last class. I was too tired to put up with another one of Mr. Desjardin's lectures on the dress code violations."  
  
"Why are you so tired?"  
  
"I was out late last night."  
  
"Date?"  
  
"Party." He took his right hand out from behind his head to pick up the remote, and I noticed cuts on his knuckles as well. What was going on? Had he hurt Dean?  
  
"What happened to your hand?" I asked in the same tone as I had asked Spinner.  
  
"There was some broken glass at the party. I skinned my knuckles."  
  
Once again, I pretended to accept the answer and wondered if he had beat up Dean.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Later that night, Jena, one of the girls from the support group called.  
  
"Did you talk to the girl?" she asked, referring to Manny.  
  
"I tried. She got mad at me, said that someone beat Dean up because of me and called me a manipulative cold-hearted bitch." I was starting to believe what she had said. Earlier, in the shower, I had cut again. This time I made sure that it was high enough on my leg that even in shorts no one could see. My legs were covered in small cuts. I pressed a towel to them now, trying to dull the pain and stop the bleeding.  
  
"She's wrong. Do you have any idea who beat him up?"  
  
"I wish. Both my boyfriend and my brother both have skinned knuckles, but they both have excuses for them."  
  
"Hmm. Have you heard back from that cop?"  
  
"He said that they couldn't get him on anything more than a misdemeanour, but his parents are involved now, so he doesn't think that this'll keep happening."  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
I took a deep breath before continuing. I had an idea, but it was a long shot, and I didn't know what would happen if it didn't work. "I think it's time that we did something."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Christina and Jordan all said that they would think about it. Lori and Skye said yes, as long as the other two agree as well," Jena told me when she called later that day.  
  
"What about you?"  
  
"I'm in, no matter what. Skye also said that she had another friend who might be willing to press charges."  
  
"How does he do this to so many girls without getting in trouble?"  
  
"A lot of the people I've talked to- not just victims of Dean, but victims of date rape in general don't even think that it's date rape. They thought they deserved it."  
  
For 15, Jena sounded wise beyond her years. It was incredible how something that happened in a couple of minutes could change your life so completely forever.  
  
"Why don't you set up a meeting with- what's this guy's name?"  
  
"Officer Collins."  
  
"See when you can get to talk to him next. Whenever it is, I'll be there."  
  
"Thanks Jena."  
  
"No problem. We gotta stick together. I gotta go. My mom needs the phone. Just let me know when and where."  
  
"Bye." I hung up, almost feeling hopeful. If the other girls agreed, we might really have a chance. I picked up the phone again and called Officer Collins.  
  
"Officer Collins, I have something that might could help. Is there anytime I could talk to you?"  
  
"I have to be in court tomorrow, so do you think that I could talk to you tomorrow evening?"  
  
"Sure." I closed my eyes and allowed myself to smile. Maybe- just maybe, things could work out. 


	10. Seven Girls, One Story

Yay, Fanfiction finally's working again! And luckily, as soon as I recovered from a serious case of writers block.  
  
Okay, this chapter might be comfusing. There's one part where each girl is telling her story, and it goes from one girl to another. Each girl does tell the full story, but I just put it like that for effect. I hope that makes sense.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"What happened the other day?" Spinner asked me at lunch the next day. We were sitting alone at the picnic tables outside, but I still made sure that no one was around to hear us.  
  
"When?" I asked.  
  
"Last Friday. When Mikey walked in."  
  
"You left. It's not that big a deal."  
  
"Before that."  
  
"I kissed you," I said plainly. "What's the big deal?"  
  
"I dunno, it just. . . it just didn't seem right."  
  
"You're reading too much into this."  
  
"Am I?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You just. . . it was like you were scared."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"I don't know. You were shaking."  
  
"It's nothing, Spin. Really."  
  
"Just promise me one thing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That you'll talk to me before anything gets out of hand."  
  
"You know I will."  
  
He nodded and put his hand on top of mine. I responded by lacing my fingers through his. "I trust you."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I paced the hallway nervously, waiting for Officer Collins to come. We had agreed to meet at the rec centre, before the meeting, but he still hadn't shown up. I checked my watch. Three minutes before he was late. Finally, I saw his figure approaching.  
  
"Hi," I said nervously, anxious to get this over with.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asked. I stopped pacing.  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"You said you had something that would help?"  
  
"I don't know. It might." I opened the door to the room the other girls were waiting in. Slowly, six girls shuffled out.  
  
"I'm not the only one who Dean's hurt."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I was a cheerleader at school," Lori began, telling her story. "The day after I had seen him at school, we met at a party."  
  
"We started talking," Christina said when it was her turn. "He told me how much I had stood out. He was charming. I fell for him. Hard."  
  
Skye told her story next. "He suggested that we went into the study to talk. It was too loud in the party. So we went in, and we were talking when he kissed me. At first it was okay."  
  
Jordan continued. "He asked me if it was okay. I thought I could stop at anytime. So I went along with it."  
  
Jena was the last one to tell her story. "I told him to stop. He wouldn't listen. I said it over and over, but he just kept pushing harder."  
  
I just sat and gaped as each of them told their stories. They were all so similar. I talked to Officer Collins after they had all gone into the meeting.  
  
"Do you think that this will work?"  
  
He took a deep breath. "None of these girls have any proof either. But, I think that this'll go a long way. This is almost over, Paige. We're going to get him."  
  
"Thank you," I said, something I didn't often do so sincerely. "For everything."  
  
He nodded and smiled. I said a quick good-bye and walked out of there, just feeling like things were a little better. Like maybe he's finally be stopped.  
  
I knew it couldn't last.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I hate Mondays," Ashley whispered to me in the middle of one of our math lessons. "You've got pen on your face."  
  
I put a hand up instinctively. "Where?"  
  
"On your jaw." I shot my hand up.  
  
"Can I go to the washroom?" I asked.  
  
"I don't know. Can you?"  
  
I glared at her. Why was a math teacher so worried about grammar?"  
  
"May I go to the washroom?"  
  
"Yes, you may." I got in and washed my face, and was about to leave when I heard something. It was faint, but I could heard a soft sobbing and sniffling. I looked down under the stalls and saw a body with legs curled up. I was going t leave when I saw the bag they had with them. And the personalized keychain on the tag.  
  
Manny.  
  
"Manny?" I asked softly. No answer. "I know you're in there."  
  
"Just go away."  
  
I pushed at the door slowly. It was open. I opened it all the way and sat down facing her.  
  
"I don't want to hear it, okay? Save your I-told-you-so dance for someone else."  
  
"Do you really think that's what I'm going to do?"  
  
She shrugged. Her eyes were swollen and red.  
  
"He did it, didn't he?" I asked.  
  
She laughed. A cynical laugh. "Is that really all you care about? Being right?"  
  
"I care about what's happening to you. I was in the exact same position as you are six months ago. And I don't want you to have to make all the mistakes I made."  
  
"What do you care?" she asked, getting up.  
  
"You and I haven't ever been friends, I know that. And I've been really angry with you the past couple of weeks, but nothing you've ever done would make me think that you deserved this to happen. So I'm going to try to help you as much as possible." I couldn't believe my own words.  
  
"I didn't deserve it?" she asked incredulously. "I came on to him. I ignored what you said. How can you say I didn't deserve it?"  
  
All of a sudden, something hit me. Manny was it. Manny could prove that Dean had raped her. Manny could prove that he was a rapist. Manny could put him away for a long, long time.  
  
"Manny," I began cautiously, trying not to show how much I wanted this to happen. "Have you considered going to the police?"  
  
"Why would I?"  
  
"Because he raped you."  
  
"No he didn't," she said softly.  
  
"Manny, did you say no?"  
  
"But I led him on."  
  
"Did you say no?"  
  
"Yes," she mumbled.  
  
"Do you think that what he did to me was rape?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"Didn't he do the same thing to you?"  
  
She looked up and caught my eye. "It doesn't matter. He'll just get away with it. He told me that."  
  
"What did he tell you?"  
  
"I asked him about you. He said that you wanted it, and you couldn't prove otherwise. Neither can I."  
  
"Yes, Manny, yes you can."  
  
"He used a condom."  
  
"It doesn't matter. They can still prove that he raped you."  
  
She looked at me with wide eyes. "I couldn't do that."  
  
I hesitated. "Manny, I'm going to ask you the most selfish thing I have ever asked anyone. Please, report this. I didn't soon enough, and because of that, I know five other girls who got raped. And there was another girl before me, who never told the police, and I got raped because of it. There's no one else who can stop him. Please, Manny. Please."  
  
"But what if- what if he gets away with it?"  
  
"He won't."  
  
"But he'll know it's me. He'll come after me."  
  
"Just talk to the police officer. And get checked out by a doctor. I promise, I'll stay with you the whole time."  
  
She closed her eyes, then opened them slowly. "Okay," she said so softly I could barely hear her. "I'll do it."  
  
I looked at her, and suddenly I felt a bond. It was a bond so strong that I had only felt a couple of times before- with the girls from the support group. We were seven girls with one story.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay, Manny, we're done here."  
  
She sighed and pulled her legs out of the stirrups that she had been forced into for the exam. The doctor (female, thank God), had been really good, and really supportive.  
  
"I'm going to talk to the officer on your case, but you're free to go."  
  
"Thanks," she said softly, and let go of my hand which she had been holding the whole exam. My bones were crushed, but I ignored it. She sat up on the table, but didn't make any effort to move.  
  
"I can't believe this is really happening."  
  
"I know, hun." I put one hand on her shoulder supportively. "It'll get better. I promise."  
  
"How am I going to tell Emma?"  
  
"You don't have to tell her anything until you're ready." Wow, I was starting to sound cheesy.  
  
"Can you pass me my clothes?"  
  
I picked up her pile of clothes and handed them to her. "Do you want some privacy to change?" I didn't wait for an answer. I was about to open the door when I turned around.  
  
"You're a lot braver than I was," I told her. "I could never have done this. Thank you." Once again, I didn't wait for a response. I went into the hall, shutting the door behind me, and found officer Collins waiting in a nearby chair. I had called him as soon as school was over, and he had told us to come here. He saw me and came over.  
  
"How's she doing?"  
  
I shrugged. "Better than I was, I guess."  
  
"And you?"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"How are you doing?"  
  
"I just want this whole thing to be over."  
  
"It will be," he promised. "You did good, Paige. This could get him arrested once and for all."  
  
"What did the doctor say?"  
  
"I'm really not supposed to say. Off the record, it was rape."  
  
"This is over," I said softly. "This is really going to be over."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"We were in his car. He was going to drop me off, but we decided to stop in the parking lot of a park near my house."  
  
"What time was this?" Officer Collins asked.  
  
"Around ten,. I guess. My parents thought I was at my best friend's house. We were in the backseat kissing, when he started taking off my shirt. I told him to stop. He said that we'd been going out two weeks, so I owed it to him. I asked him to take me home. But, he just kept kissing me. Harder. And then he got off. I thought that he was going to go. But he just. . . he pulled his," she started stumbling on her words. I put my hand on her back.  
  
"I kept saying no. He didn't listen. When. . . when he. . . finished, he just put his clothes back on and drove me home." She broke down sobbing. I put my arm around her.  
  
Officer Collins took a deep breath once she had stopped crying. "I'll finish typing up your statement, and you'll have to sign it tomorrow. Why don't I drive the two of you home first?"  
  
"I'll just walk," I offered. "I'm only two blocks away."  
  
"It's getting late. Are you sure?"  
  
I nodded. I was feeling claustrophobic in the small room we were in. I just needed to walk. "You have my number right?" I asked Manny.  
  
"Yeah," she replied in a small voice, still on the verge of tears.  
  
"Call me if you need anything, okay?" I turned to Officer Collins. "Thanks."  
  
He nodded. Manny sniffled. I opened the door and let out a sigh of relief. It was almost over. 


	11. So Close to Control

Okay, I did it again, I'm sorry. I didn't update as soon as I should have. But, I'm back now, and I'll have the next chapter out by tomorrow (I hope!).  
  
This chapter kind of takes a weird turn at the end (I've kind of explored this angle before, but not as much), and I have no idea how people will react to it. If you totally hate it, let me know.  
  
Also, I'm looking for names for this story. If you have any ideas, let me know. Thanks!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Mom, I'm home!" I shouted when I got home. I found my mom and Mikey sitting in the kitchen, eating dinner- a rare sight. There was a pot of something on the stove. "Great, I'm starving." For the first time in a long time, I actually was. I pulled down a plate, filled it with the spaghetti calling my name and sat down with them.  
  
"Where were you?" my mom asked. She didn't sound happy.  
  
"I told you. I had a friend-related emergency."  
  
"That doesn't answer my question."  
  
I took a bite of my pasta. I refused to let her get me upset. "I had to go to the hospital with one of the girls from the spirit squad." Not a lie.  
  
"Next time, tell me that. And where were you this morning?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"The school called and said you were skipping."  
  
"I wasn't skipping. Mr. Head-up-his-butt marks you down as skipping if you take more than five minutes in the bathroom."  
  
"Why were you in there for so long?"  
  
What was with the third degree? "I got my period."  
  
Mikey dropped his fork. "Eating here!"  
  
I stifled a laugh. "Okay. Just don't make it a habit," she cautioned warily.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Hello?"  
  
I took a deep breath before I spoke, still seriously considering hanging up and forgetting the whole thing.  
  
"Hi, Mrs. Aden," I said as confidently as I could. "It's Paige. Could I speak to Hazel?"  
  
"Paige, it's so nice to hear from you again. I'll go get Hazel." I could hear footsteps, then faint voices, and finally, "Hello?"  
  
"Hey Haze, it's me."  
  
"Hi," she said without emotion. She was still mad at me.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry for what I said."  
  
"But?"  
  
"But what?"  
  
"Well, there must be a but coming."  
  
She was even madder than I thought she was. "No but. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."  
  
It took a minute for her to respond. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed you so hard. And you were right. I don't know what if feels like to be raped. But I can't help you if you don't let me."  
  
"I know," I said softly. "I'm sorry."  
  
Hazel giggled. "This must be the most sincere apologies that either of has have ever said in one telephone call."  
  
I laughed too. And it felt good. Things really could work out.  
  
That night, for the first time since I had been raped, I slept with my light off.  
  
"Did everything work out last night?" Ashley asked me the next morning.  
  
"As well as it could have. I couldn't do that when I was in her position."  
  
"Maybe you just needed people backing you up."  
  
"Paige? Can I talk to you for a minute?" a small voice came from beside me. Emma, the chronic tree-hugger was standing there. I wanted to walk away, considering how much I had always disliked Emma, but instead turned to Ashley.  
  
"I'll see you in class." I motioned for Emma to come walk with me. "What's up?"  
  
"That's what I wanted to ask you."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"What's going on with Manny?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"She's acting different. And she was talking to you yesterday. I thought you might know what's going on with her."  
  
I didn't want to blab Manny's story. "Have you tried talking to her?"  
  
"She won't talk."  
  
I decided to do something stupid. "Something happened to her Emma. Something bad. And it's something that's happened to me, so I tried to talk to her about it."  
  
"Is this about that Dean guy?"  
  
"How did you hear about him?"  
  
"There's a rumour about you and a guy named Dean. She said you were badmouthing him."  
  
"Yeah, it has something to do with him. But you need to talk to her."  
  
"She won't talk to me though."  
  
I felt bad for her. "I'll try talking to Manny," I promised.  
  
"Thanks Paige." Before I could say anything else, she disappeared. I looked down the hall and saw Spinner walking towards me.  
  
"Hey," he greeted me with a kiss. One of the teachers walking down the hall gave me a dirty look. I ignored her.  
  
"So, my mom has to go for a wedding tonight. I've got the house to myself tonight. Do you want to come over?" I asked with my forehead pressed to his.  
  
He smiled. "That sounds good."  
  
He had no idea what he was in for.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"What's with the bloody nose?" I asked. "He kills a fly and his nose bleeds?" We were at my house the next night, watching The Ring.  
  
"I have no idea." He looked over at me and I smiled. He kissed me. I kissed him back. The movie continued, forgotten, in the background. I leaned backwards, and he followed. His hand started dipping into my shirt. My heart started racing.  
  
"Is this okay?" he asked. I felt myself reliving the time Dean had asked me. I had to remind myself that this was Spinner, not Dean.  
  
"Paige?"  
  
"Yeah. That's- that's okay." I went back to kissing him, feeling sick to my stomach. I had to take control. I maneuverer my way on top of him and started pulling at his shirt.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Just tell me if you want me to stop, okay?"  
  
"Okay." His hands started tugging at my shirt, but I pulled them off, then picked one up and led him up the stairs and into my room. We didn't say anything. I didn't kiss him, but traced my hand across his cheek, down over his chest, his stomach, and finally came to the bottom of his shirt, and slowly pulled it over his head. I was in control, and I felt more empowerment than I had felt in months. I could do this. I could prove to myself once and for all that I was stronger than Dean.  
  
I brought my lips back to his, and we walked backwards, falling onto the bed. He continued kissing me, but rolled on top. My heart started beating harder, not from excitement, but from fear. Spinner pulled my shirt off. I couldn't breathe. I was petrified. Part of me knew that he would never hurt me, but another part knew that I had thought the same thing about Dean. But I didn't say anything and just kept kissing him. Suddenly, he pulled away from my mouth and started trailing down to my neck. I scrambled up and out from under him, shaking violently, resisting the need to scream.  
  
I walked over to my window, a safe distance away from him and wrapped my arms around myself. I had no shirt on, but didn't bother to find one. I just stared out my window at the cloudy night. Spinner came over to me and wordlessly put his arms around my shoulders from behind me.  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered, tears falling silently down my cheeks. "I can't do this."  
  
"It's okay," he promised. "It's okay."  
  
Neither of us said anything for a long time after that. He just held me and let me cry. I scolded myself later on for being so vulnerable, but at the time, it felt okay. I couldn't believe how close I had been to finally getting my life back, to proving that I was stronger than Dean. I had been so close to being in control, and lost it. 


	12. The BreakIn

I'm baa-ack. I had to go to hell- er to see my relatives for a week. Grrr. But now I'm committing myself to an hour of writing a day, but I'm going away again next week.  
  
I have no idea where this chapter came from. Basically, I started writing this chapter, then stopped wiring and couldn't remember what I was going to write next, so this got kinda strange. And I was planning on making this near the end, but now I've got so many ideas that this might only be halfway. Let me know what you think of me making that so long.  
  
Also, I'm looking for suggestions for the story title. If you have any, please let me know.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You did what?" Hazel asked me when I called her after Spinner left. My mom still wasn't home.  
  
"I was going to sleep with him."  
  
She didn't answer right away. "Why?"  
  
"I thought. . . I thought I could be with him."  
  
"Did you want to?"  
  
I sighed. "I don't know. I thought I did, but now. . ."  
  
"But you didn't, did you?"  
  
"No. But when is this going to end? When is Dean going to stop having control over me?"  
  
"I don't know hun. Maybe you should cool it with Spin a bit. Maybe after Dean's in jail-"  
  
"If he goes to jail. God, Hazel, I thought things were almost over. Now. . . it's like they're just starting."  
  
"What do you mean? There's just the trial left."  
  
"So what? How long before I can sleep with someone without screaming or kiss someone without feeling like I'm going to throw up. He's with me, whether I like it or not."  
  
"Did you talk to Ms. Sovet about this?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess." I hard the front door open. "I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."  
  
"Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow." I hung up and went to find Mikey.  
  
"Mikey?" I called. "Hello?" Maybe it wasn't him. "Mom?" Still nothing. My heart started racing. Who was there? I swallowed hard and managed to put one foot in front of the other. I made my way silently down the stairs and saw the door wide open. I ran back upstairs and went into my mom's room- her door locked. I locked it, put a chair in front of it and turned off all the lights, hoping that whoever was in the house couldn't see me. Then I curled up into a ball and dialled 911.  
  
"911 emergency operator. Do you need fire, ambulance of police?" The female operator asked.  
  
I considered just speaking softly and hoping that whoever it was couldn't hear me, but decided to do something else instead. "No, Leslie, isn't it Shelly's dad who's the police officer?"  
  
"Police?" she confirmed.  
  
"Yeah, I think you're right."  
  
"What's your location?"  
  
"How is it that every year I give you my address and you still manage to loose it? How many times until you remember? Are you writing it down this time? 859 Wicher."  
  
"The police are on their way over. What's the current situation?"  
  
I had heard things breaking below me. "Anyways, have you heard the new Shawn Desmond song? You know the one with breaking glass at the beginning?"  
  
"Is there someone in your house?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I know what you mean."  
  
"Where are you right now?"  
  
"Was it you who said that your mom was redoing her bedroom?"  
  
"Where is that in your house?"  
  
"Is hers the big one at the end of the hall?"  
  
"Downstairs?"  
  
"No, I guess not."  
  
"Upstairs."  
  
"Un-huh."  
  
"First or second floor?"  
  
"No, Clay shouldn't have been second on American Idol." I was getting desperate now. I didn't know what else to say. Then I heard more footsteps downstairs, followed by "Police, Freeze!"  
  
"The police are here," I whispered into the phone. "Thank you." I hung up and heard knocking on the door of my mom's room. I got up, turned on a light, pulled the chair away and opened the door. A male and female uniformed police officer stood outside.  
  
"The house is clear," they told me. "There's a mess downstairs and fresh footprints in the dirt outside, but otherwise there's no one in here. Are you okay?" The female police officer asked.  
  
"Yeah," I said softly. I stepped out of the shadows and started to head for the stairs when everything around me started getting fuzzy. I blinked, then continued walking, things getting blurrier and blurrier. I felt sick.  
  
"Paige?" I hard my mom ask from downstairs.  
  
"Mommy?" I called. I stumbled down the stairs. "Mommy?"  
  
"Paige? What's going on?"  
  
I was about to wrap my arms around her, when the blurriness and dizziness took over, slowly fading to black.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?" my mom asked again. I was sitting down, holding a glass of water.  
  
"I'm sure," I said, much more confidently then I felt. "I just. . . freaked out."  
  
My mom turned back to the police officers. "You're sure there's no one here?"  
  
"It's completely clear. The lock was picked, so you'll probably need a new one. Is there anywhere you can stay tonight?"  
  
"I'm just going to get a hotel room. We're not staying here tonight."  
  
"Okay, ma'am. There's some forms you need to fill out, but they can wait until morning. Why don't you pack a few things and we'll have our forensic people come over here?"  
  
"Just take pyjamas and a change of clothes," she told me. "We'll be back tomorrow. Don't bother with your schoolbag." I nodded, then got up, still dizzy, but kept going. I made my way to my room, and noticed that nothing had been touched at first glance. I went to my dresser and saw the my face had been drawn over with red marker in all the pictures I had. My heart started pounding, but I ignored it and found a pair of pyjamas and a change of clothes. I pulled a pair of jeans off the floor and I added them to my pile of clothes. I went over to my closet, opened the doors and found a canvas bag to put all my clothes in. Underneath, I found a knife, traces of blood stuck to the handle. I ran my finger over the blade, then wrapped it inside a t-shirt and stuffed it in my bag. I was about to leave when I heard a paper crunch under my foot. I bent over and picked it up. It was folded in half, on the front it had the word 'Spirit' on it. I put the note back down, refusing to open it, and hoping the police would find it, and know that it was Dean. Then I closed my bag and headed down the stairs.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Can you guys keep from killing each other?" My mom asked Mikey and I. We had gotten a suite, the only room available in the hotel. Mikey and I each had a bed in one room, and she was taking a pull-out couch in the next room.  
  
"We'll be fine, mom," Mikey assured her.  
  
"Okay." She came over and hugged and kissed both of us. "I love you. Good-night." She closed the door. I turned to Mikey.  
  
"Where were you?" I asked.  
  
"Where was I when?"  
  
"When you were supposed to be home. When this happened." I noticed a brise coming in around his eye. "What happened?"  
  
He shrugged. "I got into a fight. It's not like it's the first time it happened." It was true. Although my brother was well respected around his school, and was buff for a seventeen year-old, he had gotten into a lot of fights over his sexuality.  
  
"And last week? When you said you got hurt at the party?"  
  
"I got into a fight. So what?"  
  
"Well. . . it's just that. . . never mind."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
I rubbed my sore shoulder. It always started hurting when I was under too much stress. It had been happening a lot lately. "I think I know who broke into the house," I whispered.  
  
He looked up. "Who?"  
  
"You can't tell mom though. First, promise you won't tell mom."  
  
"Paige-"  
  
"Promise me you won't tell anyone."  
  
He sighed. "Okay. I won't tell anyone."  
  
"There was. . . this piece of paper. It said 'Spirit' on it. The only person who ever called me that was-"  
  
"Dean."  
  
"-Dean." I gaped at him. "How did you know that?"  
  
"I know him. And I know what he did to you."  
  
"How?"  
  
He sighed again. "I shouldn't be telling you this."  
  
"Tell me anyways."  
  
"What I told you about the party I was at. I did get into a fight, but it was over you."  
  
"You hit Dean?"  
  
"One of my friends told me about him- Bardell's sports hero. He had a reputation of not being able to keep it in his pants. And it sounded like the guy you were talking about. So, I started talking to him, mentioned you. He started calling you all sorts of things that I'm not going to repeat. He said that you had come onto him and he'd slept with you."  
  
"That's not how it was."  
  
"I know. So, I hit him. I got a couple of good punches in before someone pulled me off of him. I was going to leave, and he followed me outside. We went at it pretty good. Someone called the police, but Dean took off before they got here. I stayed back to help clean up. And then I got home two hours later to find someone had broken in."  
  
"They're never going to get him," I said softly.  
  
"They will. Or if they won't, I will."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Promise."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sometime after Mikey fell asleep, I made my way over to my bag and pulled out the knife from my bag. Even in the darkness, I could see that dried blood, making me feel guilty about what I was about to do. But I didn't know what else to do. I pulled off my pyjama bottoms and pulled it quickly across the exposed skin. I winced in pain, but drew comfort from the feeling of blood oozing across my skin. I kept cutting- smaller cuts, making sure that no one would be able to see. I started to feel dizzy, but I ignored it. I took the shirt that I had wrapped the knife in and pressed it against my cuts. I wiped the knife off on the shirt and slipped it back into the bag. Then I curled my legs into my chest, pulled the blankets over my head, stuffed my first in my mouth and cried myself to sleep. 


	13. Taken

Okay, I'm back and I'll hopefully have daily updates now. This is another filler chapter. Sorry. But I'm going to pack a lot of action into the next chapter. I'll try and have it up tonight.  
  
Thank you all so much for the suppoert (snifs). I don't deserve all of you! You all are unbelieveably awesome for that!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"When did you first hear someone in your house?" Officer Collins asked me the next day. Although they still weren't sure that Dean had been the one who broke in, he had taken the case over on his own instinct.  
  
"Um, I was talking to my best friend around nine thirty. I thought my mom was home, so I hung up."  
  
"Did you see anyone?"  
  
"No. I saw the door was open and I ran upstairs."  
  
"Was the door unlocked before?"  
  
"No. I made sure that it was locked."  
  
"Did you hear anything?"  
  
"I heard something glass breaking. I told that to the person I was talking to."  
  
He nodded. "I heard the tape. You did the right thing by doing what you did."  
  
"Do you know who did this?"  
  
"I have an idea. I think you do too."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
He turned around and picked something off the table behing him. It was a bag marked 'evidence' in big red letters. Inside was the note I had found in my room. "You read this, didn't you?"  
  
I shook my head. "I stepped on it, and I saw the front. I decided not to read it. I just left it on the ground." I picked up the bag, but couldn't bring myself to read it. I stared at it until the words blurred in front of me and tears burned in my eyes.  
  
"When's this going to end?" I asked, not looking up.  
  
"Soon," he promised.  
  
"How long is soon?" I asked, feeling all my frustration turn into anger. I looked up at him. "A week, a month, a year? And what happens after you finally decide to arrest him? He goes to jail, he doesn't go to jail?"  
  
"Paige-"  
  
"No. I'm not a the naive little girl who I was a year ago. I'm not so idealistic that I believe that after this is all over he'll go to jail forever and I'll skip though a field of daisies. All I know is that I'm going through hell right now, Dean's running around free to rape whoever he wants and no one seems to be able to do anything about it!"  
  
"I know how this seems right now. I know you feel like nothing's ever going to be done. But we're a day away from being able to arrest him. And we are going to prove that he broke into your house. And I promise that I will get this guy."  
  
I nodded. "I'm sorry, Officer Collins, but I think I'm going to have to see it to believe it."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My mom decidede that we weren't going to go home for a couple of days. She was getting a state-of-the-art security system installed. She also deicded that Mikey and I weren't going to go to school the day after it happened. She was really freaking out, but I don't think she realized who had broken in. She didn't know how bad it really was.  
  
Mikey was watching TV with my mom in the other room, so I decided that it was time to make another important phone call. I picked up the phone and took a deep breath. I had a sense of deja vu, remembering doing this only days ago with Hazel. But this was different. I didn't think he was mad at me, but I had to talk to him. I closed my eyes and put the phone to my ear.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey Spin, it's me." I opened them.  
  
"Hey, where were you today? I couldn't find you."  
  
"I know. I wasn't there. Uh, something happened last night."  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
I pursed my lips. He was so good to me and I kept dragging him through the mud. "Yeah, I'm fine. Now I am, at least."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Someone- Dean- broke into my house."  
  
"Did he do anything to you?"  
  
"No.. . . Look, that's not really why I called. I want to apologize for last night."  
  
He took a minute to answer. "What do you need to apologize for?" He sounded sincere.  
  
"Everything. What I did was completely out of line."  
  
"No, Paige-"  
  
"Wait. Just listen, okay? It was wrong of me to come of to you as strong as I did. It wasn't fair to you, and it was even less fair when I changed my mind. And I don't want to keep doing this to you, Spin."  
  
"What are you saying?"  
  
"I'm saying that I want you to be happy. And it isn't fair to you if you're not happy with me."  
  
"Oh." He didn't speak for a while. I closed my eyes in the slience, and fought back burning tears. "You got to speak, so I want to say something now. I hate this, Paige. I hate the way that Dean's made you feel and I hate the police for not arresting him and I hate that he's taken all this from you, but there is no way that I'm going to let him take the best thing that's ever happened to me away. Do you really think that's all there is to me? If you don't sleep with me that I don't want to be with you? I told you from the very begining that we're not all like Dean. And I will never to what he did to you. And I will spend forever proving that to you if that's what it takes."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Two days later, I was back at my house. My mom had gotten a cleaning service to come in and clean out anything broken. The furniture had been rearranged. She had promised that we'd be getting some new furniture and repainting some things. But I didn't think she would have done this if it was just any one who had broken in. I was almost positive that Officer Collins had told her that it was Dean- or at least that it was probably Dean. Maybe she heard me shouting in my sleep, or just understood that I was scared out of my mind in our house, knowing that Dean had walked on that ground, touched those things. Dean's presence had ruined yet another part of my life. How long until he took everything else away from me?  
  
I grudgingly trudged the stairs up to my room. My pictures were still sitting on my dresser, and the frames scrubbed clean. With trembling hands, I picked a picture of Spinner and I up. I slowly traced my fingers over his face. Then, I loosened my grip on the picture and it fell to the floor. I quickly followed. I curled into a ball and I sobbed. Horrible, gut wrenching sobs.  
  
And then it was gone. 


	14. Cut and Crazy

Okay, new chapter, lotsa drama. Ending might be a bit confusing, but I promise it'll be perfectly clear in the next chapter. And I will write it really soon, but I'm having trouble with getting on the internet with the whole blackout thing.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I was scared.  
  
Really scared.  
  
I couldn't control myself anymore. I had no idea what had happened the night before. I had no control over my body or mind. I was so scared that I went to Ms. Sovet about it after school on Friday.  
  
"So. . . have I lost my mind?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
She leaned forward. "Of course not. But, I do think that there are people more qualified than me to help you out."  
  
"Why? What's wrong with me?"  
  
"I think you might be suffering from PTSD."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Post traumatic Stress Disorder. And it's normal after what you've been though."  
  
"So, am I crazy?"  
  
"No. And I promise, we can work through this. I'm just glad you came to me before this got too out of hand."  
  
I nodded, but didn't meet her gaze. "I'm scared."  
  
Ms. Sovet put her hand on top of mine. "I know. But you did the right thing. And you're so strong Paige. Even if you don't realize it, you're going to get through this."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
She nodded and I got up.  
  
"Thanks," I whispered.  
  
It was her turn to nod. "I'll get you a referral to someone for Monday. Will you be okay for the weekend?"  
  
No. I wouldn't. I didn't know what was going on with myself. "Yeah."  
  
She smiled. "Okay, I think it's time for both of us to get out of this building."  
  
I smiled too. At least I tried to. "I'll see you on Monday." I headed out the door and towards home, feeling a little bit more hopeful, even though grey clouds were rolling overhead. I checked my watch, and hoped that I would make it home before it started to pour. The air was heavy and thick, and it made it harder to breathe. I crossed the street and walked by the opening of the Greenbelt, and I heard footsteps behind me. I was going to run, but I felt a hand cover my mouth.  
  
"Don't scream," a voice beside me whispered. I knew the voice. And without turning, I knew what I would see. The face of my worst nightmares. I wanted to run away, to break away from him, but I was frozen with fear. I turned around slightly and saw him. But I wasn't expecting the way he looked. He had bruises all over his face, sweat pouring down his face, eyes wide. Something was off with him. Was he drunk?  
  
"Now you listen to me, Spirit. You're going to go to the police and tell them you made it all up. And then you're going to tell everyone you know that you just made it up. And you're going to keep your fag brother and water boy away from me."  
  
That got me angry. I could put up with certain things, but I hated when people talked about Mikey like that. I tried to elbow him from behind me. He grabbed my arm with his free hand and put me in an arm lock.  
  
"And do you know why you're going to do that, Spirit?" He took his hand off of my mouth and reached in his pocket. Then I felt something cool against my arm, followed by my arm feeling like it was splitting in half. He had cut me. "Because next time, that won't be your arm. That'll be your wrist. And the other. And they'll all just think you were another troubled girl who took her own life. Got it?"  
  
I managed to nod, and he let go of me. "Remember what I said." He ran off. I stood there for a minute, and didn't move. I couldn't breathe. My arm was burning. Thunder boomed overhead, but I still just stayed there. Then rain drops- cold, heavy drops started coming down on me. I started walking back home.  
  
Mikey said hi when I got in, but didn't see me. He was too busy watching TV. I mumbled a hi and went up into my room. My arm was still bleeding. He had cut me deep, but I didn't try to wrap it up. My mouth was red and I could still see the outline of his fingers. My hair and my clothes were soaked. I was physically and mentally exhausted. Living and breathing seemed like too much of a task. I sat down on my bed, then rested my head in a bundle of blankets in the middle of the bed. I pulled my arm into my wet t-shirt. Dean's words played over in my head.  
  
'Because next time, that won't be your arm. That'll be your wrist. And the other. And they'll all just think you were another troubled girl who took her own life. Got it?' He had told me. Would he really do that? I had always assumed that he was above so many things he had done. I had never thought that he would have raped me. I never thought that he would have threatened me. I never thought that he would have cut me. Why should I believe that he wouldn't kill me?  
  
"Paige!" Mikey shouted.  
  
"What?" I called back when I finally found my voice.  
  
"There's someone here to see you."  
  
Dean. He was here. Why had Mikey let him in? Why was everyone doing this to me? There were footsteps on the stairs. He was coming after me. I slid down on the floor, slightly hidden from the door. Maybe I could run out of the window.  
  
"Paige?" Mikey's voice was right outside my door now. Why didn't he know that Dean was were to kill me? I wrapped my arms around myself tightly. The door was opening.  
  
"Go away," I tried to shout. It ended up more as a beg.  
  
"Paige?" It was a different voice. But it was a voice that I knew. Low and calm, a voice of reason.  
  
"What do you want, Officer Collins?" I asked softly. I didn't turn around, but I could hear his footsteps coming towards me.  
  
"I'll be downstairs if you need me," Mikey said from the doorway.  
  
"You got caught in the rain?"  
  
"How could you tell?" I muttered.  
  
"How are you holding up?"  
  
I laughed sarcastically. "Do they pay you to ask things like that?" I shivered. He still didn't say anything. "What do you want?"  
  
"I wanted to let you see this." He held a piece of paper.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"It's an arrest warrant."  
  
"You mean-?"  
  
"You said you had to see it to believe it. And I'm going to arrest Dean as soon as I leave here."  
  
"You can't!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
I started rocking back and forth. "He's going to. . . you can't. . . it's over."  
  
"What's over?" He came over and sat beside me. "Paige?"  
  
I giggled. "He's not there."  
  
"Who's not where? Have you taken something?"  
  
"Un-uh," I sang.  
  
He reached from my arm. Before I could pull it back, he saw the cut. "You're cutting again."  
  
"I didn't do that!" I shouted. "I. . . I. . . it was him."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Please go away now." I got on my bed and folded my arms across my chest.  
  
"Paige," he said softly, coming over to me. I didn't want him so close to me. I reached down behind my bed where I had left a knife. I curled my fingers around it.  
  
"Please go away now," I repeated. He came closer to me.  
  
"What happened to you arm, Paige?" Closer and closer, he just kept coming.  
  
"Please go away," I said again, this time, almost whimpering. He put his hand out to touch my arm.  
  
"No!" I shouted, jumping up, brandishing the piece of glass.  
  
"Okay," he said calmly, holding out a hand. "Paige, I'm going to back away from you, okay? But I need you to put down your knife."  
  
I dropped the knife, then sat down, curled into a ball and started rocking back and forth.  
  
"Dean's bad," I whispered. And I just whispered it again and again. . . 


	15. Don't let them in, they can't love you

I owe you all a big apology. I haven't been able to long on to the site for two weeks. But I've got a couple of chapters ready, and if my slave driving math teacher will lay off (She gave my class two days to do 16 pages of homework on the first day of school!)  
  
And thank you so much for your feedback. It didn't really fly with everyone, and I'll back away from the crazy.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I could smell it before I even opened my eyes. The only time I had smelled it before was bad- when my mom had passed out a couple of years ago and we couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. When my brother had been beat up so badly that he needed seven stiches. When my grandpa had been sick. When Manny had been raped.  
  
I was in a small, sterile room. Everything was painted white, the furniture a bland gray. My head hurt, my arm hurt, and it smelled awful.  
  
"Mommy?" I called meekly. No one was there. I was scared. I couldn't remember why I was there or how I had gotten there. I didn't want to be alone. "Mommy?" My arm was bandaged up, flecks of blood seeping through. There was an IV in my arm, the tube disappearing beneath the skin on my opposite arm.  
  
Mikey came running in. "Will I do?" he asked. I nodded, and he sat down at the foot of my bed. His hair was tousled, and his clothes were crumpled.  
  
"How long have I been. . . asleep?" I asked for lack of a better word.  
  
"Three days. Mom's been here most of the time. I just sent her home to get some sleep."  
  
"What happened?" I still couldn't quite piece it together in my mind.  
  
He hesitated. "You had a nervous breakdown, Paige."  
  
"What happened to Dean?"  
  
"They arrested him. He's in juvie until tomorrow."  
  
"What happens then?"  
  
"You should ask Officer Collins. He'll explain it better than me."  
  
"But I asked you!"  
  
"He's going to be arraigned."  
  
"What does that mean?"  
  
"A judge is going to decide if he can go home. And how much it will cost him."  
  
"You mean he could get out?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"But he. . . How could they-"  
  
"I don't know Paige. And I don't want to upset you. Officer Collins brought you in, and he's going to come by whenever you're awake. Why don't you ask him then?"  
  
I shrugged. "What day is it?"  
  
"Monday. Spinner, Hazel and Ashley called, and I told them you were in the hospital. They want to come in to see you, but they don't know what happened."  
  
"Did I. . . do anything stupid? I can't really remember what happened."  
  
"It wasn't anything we can blame you for."  
  
"Then what did I do?"  
  
"You, uh, threatened Officer Collins with a knife."  
  
I didn't know what to say. I settled for the easiest answer. "Oh."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The next couple of days were tough. I had to talk to a bunch of doctors. They diagnosed me with, as Ms. Sovet had predicted, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. They had all seen the cuts all over my body and they were keeping me in the hospital for awhile. They also diagnosed me with depression, and prescribed me with mediation for the two of them. I was amazed at how they thought a pill could cure everything. And along with the medication, I had to see another shrink two times a week. Officer Collins had come to see me two days before I was getting out. No one had been able to tell me about how things went in court.  
  
"How are you feeling?" he asked, pulling up a chair beside my bed.  
  
"Okay," I told him honestly. He wasn't in a uniform today. In fact, in jeans and a crew neck sweater, he looked more like a university student than a cop.  
  
"I owe you an apology."  
  
I hadn't been expecting that. "For what?"  
  
"I shouldn't have come to see you. If I hadn't, Dean would have been in jail before he had a chance to attack you."  
  
I shrugged. "That's not really your fault. What happened with Dean?"  
  
"Do you know what remand is?"  
  
I shook my head.  
  
"It's when a judge decides that someone can't be given bail, and has to stay in jail until their court date."  
  
"You mean Dean got remand?"  
  
"The law says that you can only be remanded in murder cases."  
  
"So he's. . . out?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
I wanted to loose my temper- scream, shout, throw things. . . at least cry. It seemed like the easy solution. But instead I just nodded. "So what happens now?"  
  
"There's going to be a trial in two months. There'll probably be some court dates in between now and then. I'll let you know about them."  
  
"Am I going to have to testify?"  
  
He nodded. "The Crown Attorney- the lawyer prosecuting the case- will speak with you and work with you beforehand."  
  
"And then?"  
  
"If he's convicted, he goes to jail."  
  
"And if he doesn't, he's free?"  
  
"Let's not think about that right now."  
  
I nodded, sick of hearing that. "Two months, huh?"  
  
"April. . . nineteenth, I think."  
  
The first thing I thought was 'that'll be during school'. "What do you mean that there'll be court dates before the actual trial."  
  
"Dean's defence lawyer will probably file some motions- they'll want some evidence not to be included in the trial, that kind of thing."  
  
"How long will it last?"  
  
"It can go anywhere from a week to a month."  
  
I nodded again. It was my new way of pretending that everything was okay.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You can't ignore him forever!" Mikey exclaimed that night.  
  
"Why not?" Spinner had been calling me, asking when he could come see me. I told him that it was family only. Then, he had called me at home, and Mikey told him he could come see me the next morning. I knew why he wanted to talk. And I couldn't handle it right then.  
  
"He cares about you, Paige. Why are you shutting him out?"  
  
"I don't want him to know that I'm a nutcase!" My voice was harsh, and echoes throughout the small room. He waited for me to calm down before speaking again.  
  
"If you don't let people in, they can't hurt you. But they also can't love you."  
  
I had never head him sound so. . . deep. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Someone hurt you Paige. I get that. Been there, done that, got the emotional scarring. And, yes, there are jerks out there. But there are also good people out there. So you can barricade yourself up inside your world and never get hurt. Or, you can run the risk of getting hurt, and get something better in the process. Just think about it."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I thought about what Mikey had said. For a long, long time. And I decided that I would see Spinner, and at least try to hear him out. So the next morning, I washed my hair, changed into jeans and a sweater that my mom had brought for me, and even managed to find some lip gloss. I was sitting in bed, trying to work on some of the homework that had been sent from me when I heard a knock at the door.  
  
"Come in," I said, expecting one of the nurses. I looked up and saw Spinner standing there with a bouquet of flowers.  
  
"I- uh- didn't know what kind I was supposed so get," he explained lamely. I smiled, and he brought them over to me, then kissed me.  
  
"Thanks," I said softly. I put the bouquet down on the beside table beside me, making a mental note to get water for them.  
  
"How are you feeling?" he asked. He sat beside my bed, his leg shaking nervously.  
  
"Better," I answered honestly.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you about something."  
  
I nodded, prepared for what was coming next.  
  
"Look, I'm not thinking straight right now, and I'm sorry for that, but I have to say this." There was something agitated, anxious about him. He didn't seem like himself. "I know that we've been going out for a month and a half and that. . . you're amazing. And I sound like a complete idiot right now, but-"  
  
"I get it," I said softly. "And I don't blame you. But I think that maybe you should leave."  
  
"You know what I'm going to say?"  
  
"Spin," I whispered. "I wouldn't want to be with me either."  
  
He stared at me, his mouth open. "You think I'm breaking up with you?!"  
  
"If you're not, what else can you be saying?"  
  
"I'm in love with you!"  
  
I just sat and gaped. "You- you're. . . what?!"  
  
"I said, I love you."  
  
I let it sink in. "Seriously?"  
  
"Seriously."  
  
I sniffed. "Come here." I opened my arms and held on to him for dear life. Finally, somewhere in the depths of heart, I managed to find the strength to whisper, "I love you too."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Okay, maybe this chapter was crazy. I just had to throw in a little Paige/Spinner. 


	16. School, Court and Home

Homework sucks. But you guys rock! Thank you so much for the feedback! Story's getting kinda close to the end. But I've got an idea for a sequel. I'm just waiting to hear back from someone if they're okay with my story (I'm working off her idea).  
  
The chapter might be a little law-heavy, but some of these things need to be done to set up my sequel.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
It took me another week before I was able to go back to school. I worked on all the work the teachers had sent for me, and I attended the mandatory counselling. And I had been feeling better. It wasn't so hard to get out of bed in the morning. But going back to school was still harder than I thought it would be. So I made a vow, to myself, that no matter how bad things got, I wouldn't let Dean affect me anymore.  
  
"How are you?" Ash asked sincerely when I met her Monday morning. I had told her what had happened the week before, when I had gotten back from the hospital.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"You look great."  
  
"Thanks." I smiled. The doctors had told me that my weight was getting too low, and I had put on a couple of pounds. I didn't think I looked too hideous after gaining weight, and I finally didn't look so pale. That, of course, would have meant that I had to get a new line of make-up so that I didn't look stupid. At least a year ago. This time, I had just decided to keep away from make-up. I kind of liked the idea of getting to sleep for and extra twenty minutes.  
  
"And you know I'm here for you?"  
  
"Always." We hugged, and I looked up at the school.  
  
"Are you ready?"  
  
I smiled and nodded. It was time that I started to get my life back. I took a deep breath and stepped in.  
  
Things went fairly smoothly. Rumours had been spreading around the school about why I was away. The most popular, that I was pregnant with Spinner's baby. Between Hazel, Ash, Spinner, and Manny (Who I now considered a true friend), the rumour never got too far. And the teachers were pretty cool about it, except for a couple who were walking on eggshells around me. All and all, I made it trough the day pretty smoothly. In fact, it went well until Friday when I got home.  
  
Everything was quiet. Mikey and mom were both at work. I dropped my bag near the door, kicked off my shoes and pulled out a carton of ice cream. I took out a spoon, and took a bite, when I saw the message light blinking on my answering machine. I pressed the play button.  
  
"Paige, it's Officer Collins. Give me a call when you get this."  
  
I took a deep breath and another bite of my ice cream, though I felt sick. I didn't like the tone of his voice. I put down the spoon and picked up the phone, then took several deep breaths before I managed to dial the number that I now knew by heart. He picked up on the third ring, in his usual way.  
  
"Officer Collins."  
  
"It's Paige," I said flatly. "I got your message."  
  
"I'm glad you called. Dean's going to be in court next Tuesday."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"His lawyer has made a motion to sever the charges."  
  
"And in English. . .?"  
  
"His lawyer is asking the judge to try each of your cases separately."  
  
"So what will that change?"  
  
"If he succeeds, then there isn't enough evidence to try your cases. Or anyone's other than Manny's."  
  
I nearly dropped the phone. "He'd get away with it?"  
  
"No. He just wouldn't go away as long if he was convicted."  
  
"How long are you talking about?"  
  
"For Manny, about six years. For you, maybe a bit more."  
  
"He gets more for breaking a window than raping Manny?"  
  
"And your assault."  
  
I had forgotten about that. He had arrested Dean for attacking me the day I had a breakdown. "So he does away for how long?"  
  
"All charges, the maximum is 33 years."  
  
"He's getting charged as an adult?"  
  
"He was sixteen when he committed his crimes. That makes him an adult in court."  
  
"So he can still go away for a long time?"  
  
"Can and will. But we don't even know if the judge will sever the charges. So he could go away for a very long time."  
  
A very long time. I repeated that in my head. A very long time. I smiled. A very long time. This was a very good thing. I said good bye and looked over at the ice cram which was now a blob on the counter and took a bite.  
  
A very long time.  
  
Or no time at all.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Manny and I sat together in the front row of the courtroom. It was Tuesday afternoon and we had gotten out of school to come see the trial. Or as officer Collins called it, the motion. Who knew what all these law expressions meant?  
  
"Are you nervous?" Manny asked, starring straight ahead.  
  
"Yup," I replied, staring ahead as well. At nothing in particular, but just staring in general. "You?"  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Did I miss anything?" A male voice asked from behind. I turned and saw Officer Collins.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I asked as he slid into the bench beside us.  
  
"I wanted to see what happens. I've got a personal interest in seeing that this guy gets put away for a long time. And if anyone asks, I was interviewing you about. . . something."  
  
I smiled, despite everything that was happening. Officer Collins was a pretty alright guy. I saw women piling into the courtroom at the back, all very well made up: perfect hair, fancy clothes. One I could have sworn I'd seen on the news. I felt very underdressed in white jeans and a blue sweater. I had spent hours trying to decide what to wear. I didn't want to look like a slut, just in case the judge saw me. It was stupid, but it was the only hope I had left. Finally, the judge came in, and we all had to stand up. I systematically rose and sat with everyone else. Manny grabbed my hand and I squeezed hers.  
  
The lawyers started screaming at each other using words I had never heard before. They were fast and intense. I couldn't figure out what was going on. My nails dug deep into Manny's hand. She didn't say anything.  
  
Finally, something made sense. I understood what the judge said. "Motion granted."  
  
I turned to Officer Collins. "He got it, didn't he?"  
  
He nodded. "I'll explain what's happening after."  
  
The verbal tennis match continued. Every time one lawyer spat something out, the other lawyer shot back. When the judge spoke again, I understood her. "Charges on victims one through six are dismissed."  
  
But it didn't end there. They continued shooting, and this time I understood something Dean's lawyer said. I hated his lawyer. He looked like the actor Tim Curry. Tim Curry always played a bad guy. I hated Tim Curry.  
  
"All the Crown has in the line of a complaining witness is mentally disturbed teenage who proceeded to have a mental breakdown that after noon."  
  
"They're talking about me, aren't they?" I asked. He nodded. That was me. A mentally disturbed teenager. A mentally disturbed teenager? Was I really that crazy?  
  
"Motion granted. The assault charges are dismissed."  
  
"He just got away with cutting me?" I hissed. Manny hadn't moved or said anything the whole time. I wasn't sure she had even blinked. The judge pounded her gavel, and everyone around me got up. I stayed sitting.  
  
"Paige?" Manny asked. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah," I said, standing up. "I'm fine." Dean got up and started walking out of the courtroom with his lawyer, then stopped in front of me.  
  
"Oh, look at the Poor Thing," he said, mocking sympathy. I lunged at him.  
  
"You bastard," I screamed. "You . . You Rapist!"  
  
"Paige," Officer Collins said, pulling me back. Dean snickered and kept walking. I kept fighting, trying to pull my arms free from his grasp.  
  
"No!" I shouted. "Why does he just get away with this again?" I asked, still fighting him, but not quite as much. "Why can he do whatever he wants to me?" Now I felt deflated, my arms turning limp in his grasp. "Why can't he just leave me alone?" I felt my legs crumble beneath me, in the now empty courtroom. He caught me, and I leaned my body into his, allowing a sob to escape. Then another. And another. He held me up and allowed me to cry. I stood there a minute, two, five. . . who knows how long? Finally, I pulled back, and I realized that I had broken the vow to myself, the one that said they I would let Dean affect me so much. Immediately, guilt began to consume me.  
  
"What happened?" Manny asked. "What did the judge say?"  
  
"All the rape charges, except yours, were thrown out." He turned to me. "And the judge threw out charges on your assault case."  
  
I didn't want to deal with this anymore. "I want to go home." 


	17. Tomorrow

Welcome to the would have been songfic. I'm going to post the song that I would have put the lyrics to. It's a bit cheesy, and you'll be able to tell, I wrote it when I was mad at my mom.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"The Crown attorney wants to meet with you tomorrow," he told me when we reached my house.  
  
"When?"  
  
"Tomorrow evening."  
  
"Okay," I said softly. "Tomorrow."  
  
It was dark, humid, and it looked like it was going to rain. I got out and with whatever energy I had left, I trudged up my walkway and into my house. I had planned to call Ash, but I closed the door and I collapsed on the couch, and I had no energy left to do anything but turn on the TV and drift off to sleep.  
  
Mikey was home when I woke up, and he was beside me on the couch, watching TV. I stretched and looked at him groggily.  
  
"Morning, Sleeping Beauty."  
  
I looked out the window. "Is it really morning?"  
  
"Nah, it's only six."  
  
"What are you watching?"  
  
"News."  
  
"Can you put Friends on instead?"  
  
"No. I want to watch."  
  
I still didn't have enough energy to fight him, so I curled up and watched the news with him. It went pretty well until one of the women I had seen in the courtroom with fancy clothes and perfect hair came onto the screen.  
  
"There was a disturbance at a pre-trial motion this afternoon at the York County courtroom. A judge has dismissed seven out of nine charges against the seventeen year-old defendant, Dean Roberts, who is being tried as an adult, despite have being sixteen when he omitted his crimes, was charged with seven counts of rape, one count of assault and one count of breaking and entering. The charges have now been reduced to one count rape and one count breaking and entering. After the appearance, one of the alleged victims attacked Mr. Roberts, screaming profanities and brandished a knife. The girl is reported to have been recently released from the mental institution where she had be staying since her alleged attack. No words on wether charges are being laid."  
  
Neither of us spoke. We just stared at the screen, and Mikey quickly switched to the channel Friends was on.  
  
"I didn't have a knife." I finally said.  
  
"I know."  
  
"He talked to me first."  
  
"I know."  
  
"And I didn't really attack him."  
  
"Paige, she's a journalist. It's her job to make a mountain out of a molehill."  
  
"But it's my life she's talking about!" I shouted, suddenly angry. "Can't. . . can't we sue her or something?"  
  
"It's going to all blow over, I promise."  
  
I stood up. "I'm sick of this! Everyone can control my life and do and say whatever they want to me! Everyone except me! This is my life and I'm the only one who doesn't have control over it! You and mom wanted to know why I cut, well now you know. It was the only thing I have control over! And you all took that away too!"  
  
"Paige-"  
  
"No, you know what? I have control over something else too. I'm leaving!" With those words, I stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind me.  
  
The air was thick, and I felt dizzy. I didn't know what was going on. I started walking, then running. I was out of breath, and cold. It was cold for April, and I was freezing in just a long sleeved shirt. I ran as best I could with the sticky air, but wasn't getting far. Finally, I snapped back to reality when I ran straight into someone. I tried to run through them, but couldn't go any further. I couldn't escape. I could barely move. I just pushed against their chest.  
  
"Paige, it's me."  
  
I stoped fighting him, and just let myself go. "Spin?" I asked meekly.  
  
"It's me," he said softly, wrapping his arms around me. I finally allowed to catch my breath, and realized that I was shivering. It had started snowing while I was running, wet, large raindrops had started to fall. They had covered me, and I had been soaked.  
  
"Why are you out here?" I asked. His body was warm, his sweater soft, and I didn't want to let go of him.  
  
"Mikey called me. He thought you might come to see me."  
  
"But you looked for me instead?"  
  
I felt his shoulders shrug. "Instinct," he explained. "Let's get out of here." He had thrown his jacket on, but hadn't bothered to zip it up. He took it off and draped it over my shoulders.  
  
"Thanks," I whispered. He kissed me on the top of the head and we headed back to his house.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Are you sure that this is okay with your parents?" I asked as he turned on his gas fireplace.  
  
He shrugged. "What they don't know won't hurt them."  
  
"Where are they?"  
  
"Working, dinner, I don't know."  
  
"And Kendra?"  
  
"With Toby."  
  
"Sorry about the whole freaking-out you-having-to-come-find-me."  
  
"It's hardly your fault."  
  
"Did Mikey tell you what happened?"  
  
"No. How did the court thing go?"  
  
"He got motion. He's not even being charged for cutting me."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Apparently, I'm not a good enough witness because I'm nuts. Surprise, huh?"  
  
"That's bullshit."  
  
"The judge didn't think so."  
  
"Well the judge can kiss my-"  
  
"Spin," I said warningly, but giggled at the thought.  
  
"Well, it's true!"  
  
"Anyways, I went home and fell asleep, and when I woke up, Mikey was watching the news. And the news person said that a mentally disturbed alleged victim had attacked Dean with a knife."  
  
"Did you talk to him?"  
  
"You think I did!"  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
"He said something to me. And I lunged at him."  
  
I held my hands in front of the fire, trying to warm them up. I was still shivering. He picked up on it.  
  
"You're still cold?"  
  
"A little," I admitted.  
  
"Come here," he said, patting a spot next to him on the couch I was leaning against. I did, and he pulled a blanket out from under the couch and wrapped it around us, then pulled me into his chest. I closed my eyes and rested my head against his shoulder.  
  
"It's over," I whispered.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Everything with Dean. He got away with it."  
  
"He can still go to jail."  
  
I shrugged, putting my hand on top of his. He responded by turning his hand over and lacing his fingers through mine. "I'm just going to be a rape victim forever." I was astounded that I could even manage the words. I had barely been able to process the meaning of rape, and all the things it meant in my life, let alone say the word. It had rolled off my tongue easily. I played the word over in my head. Rape, rape, rape.  
  
"No you're not."  
  
I turned to look at him. "What do you mean?" Did he think that I hadn't been raped? That I had said yes?  
  
"You've said it yourself," he explained, further confusing me. "That song. 'I'm not your Poor Thing'. You got him arrested, Paige. You're not a victim. You're a survivor."  
  
I tried rolling that words around in my head. Survivor. Survivor. Maybe one day I would be able to say it. Just not yet. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, I thought. Maybe tomorrow.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I was getting ready for bed when I heard someone knock on my door.  
  
"Who's there?" I asked, pulling on an oversized t-shirt over my pyjama pants.  
  
The door opened and my mom stepped inside. She sat down on the edge of my bed. She looked around for awhile.  
  
"Do you want something?" I finally asked.  
  
"You know, it's really a mess in here Paige."  
  
I gritted my teeth. I didn't feel like getting lectured. "I'll clean it up tomorrow."  
  
"Good." Then she paused. "Mikey told me you ran out today."  
  
I shrugged. "Yeah."  
  
"I think that it's time we got back to normal."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I think I've been patient enough. But I'm not going to keep letting to leave without telling me where you're going."  
  
"I did that once!"  
  
"Or come home late without calling."  
  
"I was at the hospital with Manny!"  
  
"Or the phone calls about you skipping class."  
  
"Once again, with Manny."  
  
"That wasn't the first time. From now on, I think we need a new set of rules in this house."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you're all over the place. You attacked Dean in the courtroom today."  
  
"He came at me first."  
  
She put up her hand to silence me. "We'll talk about this tomorrow, okay?"  
  
I just stared straight ahead. She got up, kissed the top of my head, said goodnight, then left me alone. I sat there for a minute with clenched fists, and tried counting to ten, my mom's visit just adding fuel to an already awful day. Finally, I turned around and I hit pillow. Hard. Again, and again, picturing the Botox-ed artificial reporter, Dean, even Mikey and my mom.  
  
Once I had finished my tantrum and sufficiently pummelled the pillow, I checked the clock. It was almost ten, but decided Ash wouldn't be in bed yet. I picked up the phone and dialled her number. Her mom picked up on the third ring.  
  
"Hi, is Ashley there?"  
  
"Is this Paige?" her mom asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"She told me you might call. She's sleeping over at Ellie's tonight. She said she'd see you tomorrow."  
  
"Okay. Thanks."  
  
"Your welcome, dear. Have a good night."  
  
"You too," I said as calmly as I could, disappointment taking over me. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. I was sick of hearing it. It was as if no one wanted to deal with me. Nothing could be done. I went to my dresser to use brush my hair, and I caught sight of something hiding under my jewellery box. A shard of glass, crimson blood droplets that had turned a rusty brown since the last time I had used it.  
  
Tomorrow, tomorrow. It was as if today didn't exist. No one was real. It was all just a big mistake, maybe even a figment of my imagination. And if everyone was ignoring me, I could do something, and it wouldn't hurt the next day.  
  
I could just cut once. One little cut. It wouldn't even show. And I had already broken my promise to myself about not letting Dean control my life anymore. One little cut. Just one little gash would let it out. I took a deep breath, and with my hand shaking more than it had the first time I cut myself, I brought the glass closer to my skin. Suddenly, a rush of emotions came back to me.  
  
There had been something real. There had been something true, and something that would bring unbelievable pain if I lost. Spinner. I thought of his deep brown eyes, the way he could see right past the persona I had put up for years. How I felt like he could see into me, the real me with those eyes. And the way he had held me that afternoon. He had wrapped his arms around me, with such tenderness, and the world hadn't seemed like such a bad place. I had to keep him, I needed him with me, and I couldn't be a nutcase if I wanted that.  
  
I gingerly put the shard of glass in my trash bin, then switched my lights off and in the darkness, I crawled into bed. I curled into a ball, and hugged my knees to my chest, as if I could fight off the nightmares that I knew were coming. After seeing Dean, they would invade my dreams, making even my most unconscious moments painfully aware of his presence. Resigned, I turned my light on in an attempt to free myself from the hell he had left me in, and I could only hope, that tomorrow, things would change.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The song is (Drumroll please) Tomorrow by Avril Lavigne 


	18. Ruined Again

Argh! Anyone else hate homework?! I've had two to four hours everynight. And extracirculars are starting. Needless to say, this chapter was done quickly this morning. It is lame and short. But I promise, what happened in this chapter will have significance in the sequel I'm planning. I promise to write whenever I can, and I'm going to do my best to get a chapter or two out per week. Thanks for sicking with me! You guys rock!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The night was awful. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep between nightmares. Needless to say, the next morning I was cranky, tried and a mess.  
  
The day wasn't awful, but it was one of the longest days I'd ever sat through. It was the kind where the teachers drone on, you can't sit still, you feel like your hair's a mess, your clothes stick to your body, and can't wait to go home and sleep. That's what I had planned on doing, at least.  
  
When I got home, Jena, the first girl I had met at the support group was sitting on my front steps, her skin sickly pale and her eyes wide.  
  
"Jena?" I asked. She looked up.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go."  
  
"That's okay. Come on in. What's going on?"  
  
"I had a physical last week. The doctor wanted me to do a blood test, just to check, right? And I got the results."  
  
I could feel my heart beat skid and stop. "What were they?"  
  
"HIV!" she shouted suddenly. "I have HIV." She sat down and put her head in her hands. "Oh God, Oh, God."  
  
My mind was having trouble processing that. "But. . . but it's been like fie months."  
  
She nodded, then whispered, "The doctor said the virus doesn't show up for six months sometimes."  
  
"But it can't be Dean."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"He-he wore a condom, didn't he?"  
  
"It must have broken."  
  
She was now more rational than I was. "I. . . no. . . are you sure?"  
  
She nodded gravely. "What am I going to do, Paige?"  
  
I hugged her, the only appropriate motion I could process. "I don't know," I said honestly. "But I promise it'll be okay."  
  
I didn't know if I was trying to reassure her or me.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I left a note for my mom scrawled on the counter, where she was sure to find it. I had said that it was an emergency, and I would explain everything when I got back, and I had my cell phone, so I'd call her if anything happened. I was scared out of my mind, and one part of me wanted nothing more than for her to come with me and hold my hand. But I knew that this was something that I had to do alone.  
  
When I walked into the rape crisis centre, an overwhelming wave of nausea hit me. There were all sorts of women- different sizes, different races, different races, but all there for the same reason. Some looked like I had when I had finally gotten help. One girl had a bleeding lip, and they took her in right away.  
  
"What can I do for you, Dear?" The woman at the desk asked. She was at least in her mid-forties, looked tired, and stern, but she had warm eyes. Although I had promised myself that I wouldn't, I found myself pouring out the whole story.  
  
"A couple of months ago. . . five, I was raped. And the guy used a condom. And I didn't help until way after I should have, and they couldn't give me any of the medication that they can give women who've been raped. And I thought I was okay, because the doctor tested me for STD's a couple of times, but then one girl who was raped by the same guy, when he used a condom. . . she told me today that she has HIV. And now. . ."  
  
The woman had listened carefully, nodding at the right parts. When I had finished, she handed me a box of Kleenex, and waited until I had calmed down before she spoke.  
  
"Do you want to do an HIV test?"  
  
Although that's what I had come for, the sound of it scared me. I shivered, then nodded.  
  
"Okay. Come with me, and I'll set you up in a room." She picked up a clipboard, then led me into a small cubicle. I sat on the paper-covered table, and she handed me the clipboard.  
  
"Fill this out as best as you can. You don't have to use your real name, but keep in mind that we will have to contact you with the result of the tests."  
  
"I won't get them today?"  
  
She shook her head. "It takes a couple of days."  
  
My heart sank at the idea of waiting for days to find out. "What happens with the test?"  
  
"It's just a blood test. You've probably done it before if you've been examined."  
  
I nodded, and looked down at the paper. I finally managed to find my voice. "What would happen if I do? Have AIDS, I mean?"  
  
"First of all, HIV doesn't means that you have AIDS. You can still live a normal life with medication."  
  
"But it can kill me, right?"  
  
"Why don't we just worry about the blood test first?"  
  
There was my answer.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"An emergency, huh?" Mikey asked as soon as I opened the door.  
  
"Go away." I closed the door and headed to my room.  
  
"I called mom. She's on her way home."  
  
"Why did you call her?!"  
  
"Because you left a note saying that it was en emergency. She had a right to know."  
  
I felt weak after the blood test and didn't feel like fighting with him. "I'll be in my room if you need me." He yelled something after me, but I didn't listen. I just continued up.  
  
Everything in my room seemed alien to me. Even though they were my belongings, and I was in my room, I felt like I was a stranger, an intruder, looking in on someone else's life. I had tried to remember everything that we had learned in health class about HIV. All I could remember, other than gossiping and passing notes, was how it could kill you. That you could never have kids. Get married, grow up, have a normal life.  
  
My life could be ruined.  
  
I looked around my room again, and realized that my room was a mess. I started picking up my clothes off the floor. How could I let myself live this way. I had to get it clean.  
  
"Paige!" My mom called eventually. I was determined to scrub my room clean. I ignored her. She called again, but I just ignored it again. I heard her coming up to my room, but I was more concerned with getting my bookshelf rearranged.  
  
"Paige?" she asked, squatting down beside me. She didn't say anything else.  
  
"I'm cleaning my room like you asked," I mumbled.   
  
"Paige, stop," she said sharply. "Now can you tell me what's been going on?"  
  
I put my book down and looked at her. "Dean has AIDS."  
  
She took the news worse than I did. "Are you sure?"  
  
I swallowed hard, then nodded. "Jena came by. She said that the doctor told her she has HIV."  
  
"Is that where you were this afternoon?"  
  
I nodded again. "They're going to call me in a couple of days."  
  
Again, no one talked. I finally broke the silence. "I'm scared, mom."  
  
"I know, sweetheart, I know." 


	19. Dreams

Thank you so much for all the reviews. . . It's the greatest high when I get one!  
  
Chapter may be a little weird. I don't know if you'll like it, but it came to me during some writers block, so I went with it.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
At dinner, I picked at my food, but didn't eat much. Mikey eyed me suspiciously, but didn't say anything. My mom chatted nervously. Mostly, we all pretended that everything was okay, even though we all knew it wasn't.  
  
I climbed into bed after dinner. After the night I'd had the night before, I was exhausted. I crawled under the covers, and waited for something to happen. I waited to feel scared or to start crying. To hit something or to scream. I waited to feel something.  
  
But I didn't.  
  
At that point I was cried out, screamed out, and just sick of being so emotional. I was done. I had felt to the point where I couldn't feel anything. It made me feel uneasy.  
  
I figured that being able not to feel would make it easier to sleep, but it made me restless. I was physically and mentally exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. I finally drifted off, but there was nothing restful about my sleep.  
  
I was with Spinner, I wasn't sure where, but we were outside. I heard someone calling my name. I got up to look for that person, and everything fell out from around me. The scenery, the table we had been sitting at and Spinner were all gone, and I was stuck in a maze. I started running, trying to find my way out. Walls were surrounding me. I turned around and saw Dean coming after me. I started running faster, and suddenly, I found myself in a wedding dress, standing at an altar. I looked up at Spinner.  
  
"Are we getting married?" I asked. It was a stupid question. Of course I was marrying him. He shook his head.  
  
"I can't marry you, Paige," he told me. "You know that."  
  
"Then who am I marrying?"  
  
Spinner morphed in front of my eyes. "Me," Dean said, his eyes flashing darkly. I screamed in the dream and ran off.  
  
I was back in the maze, and kept running. I turned another corner and I was sitting in a rocking chair holding a perfect baby boy in my arms. I was wearing a hospital bracelet and hospital gown, but none of that mattered. I concentrated on the bundle in front of me.  
  
"Hi sweetheart," I cooed, touching his tiny toes. "What's your name?" I looked down at the hospital bracelet on his hand. "Dean? Why would I call you Dean?" I held him close to my body. "I promise he'll never hurt you," I whispered, kissing his tiny little head with wisps of tiny blonde hair. Dean came up in front of me and swiftly pulled the baby Dean out of my arms.  
  
"Hey, don't touch him!" I shouted. The baby shrieked. "That's my baby!"  
  
He threw the baby on the floor, and I could hear the skull crack.  
  
"You killed my baby!" I screamed, hysterically.  
  
"I didn't kill him, Spirit, you did. You knew you could never have a baby, but you had one anyways. You killed him!"  
  
I ran away from him again, and found myself back in the maze. This time, a door which read "Your Life". I looked behind me, and saw Dean gaining on me. I shoved the door with all my might, and stepped into my life. I fell into a deep, dark hole.  
  
I bolted upright and tried to inhale. My breaths came a short jagged gasps, and my shirt clung to my body. I tried to scream, but my voice was caught in my throat. My entire body shook. I curled my legs into my chest and sat there for a long time, my breathing steadying, and cried. I wasn't sure what I was crying for, but I cried silently.  
  
Slowly, the dream came back to me. Spinner and I together, then getting married, then dying. And a baby. I had never even wanted kids, on the two or so occasions that I had thought about that. But, it had occurred to me that if I was sick- if I had HIV, I couldn't have kids. And for some reason, that hurt even more than the thought of having HIV.  
  
I rubbed my eyes and looked at the clock. Two o'clock. I lied back down, but knew I couldn't sleep any more. I switched on my CD player, softly put on my favourite CD, and stared at my ceiling.  
  
What would happen if I did have HIV? How was I supposed to live? Would I live? Would people look at me differently? Would I still go to school? I could never really grow up- what kind of job would take a dying person? I couldn't fall in love. I could never be a mom.  
  
What if I had slept with Spinner? I could have gotten him sick. Could you get HIV from kissing? What if I had given Spinner HIV?  
  
My thoughts drifted to another possibility. What if I didn't? That thought should have comforted me, but instead, it made me feel horribly guilty.  
  
So many times I had asked myself 'Why me?'. But now it came down to asking me why not me? I had done bad, even awful things, been horrible to people, and then Jena, who'd probably never done anything to anyone, was the one who got sick? Where was the justice in that?  
  
And when would all this be over?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Are you feeling okay?" Spinner asked me the next morning. It was before class, and we sat in at the bottom of an abandoned staircase. I was too tired to stand.  
  
"I'm tired," I admitted.  
  
"Nightmares?" I had told him about the nightmares I'd had.  
  
I nodded, and leaned against the wall.. "I'm really not going to be good company now."  
  
"That's okay," he said, putting his hand on the part of my back that my shirt didn't cover. His touch felt good, warm, welcome.  
  
"Do you ever think about having kids?" I asked, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.  
  
He took his hand off my back and brushed some hair out of my face. I wanted to cry. He was being so good to me. I didn't deserve him. "I guess I will someday. It's a long time away."  
  
I swallowed hard, then managed to ask, "What about sex?"  
  
I caught him off guard with that. "I. . . uh. . . you mean think about it?"  
  
I hesitated, not even sure I wanted to press him about it. "Yeah."  
  
"I. . . yeah. I'm a guy, Paige, that's what we do." He looked at me, then brought his forehead to touch mine. "But nothing needs to happen until you're ready." He kissed me gently. The lump in my throat had grown to the size of a volleyball. I tried to swallow again, but couldn't. I put my hand to his cheek.  
  
"Spin," I whispered. "There's something. . . it's bad. Oh God, Spin, it's really bad." 


	20. Prision

Okay, I've got another cliffhanger, but I really wanted to post this tonight. Thanks sooo much for all the reviews!  
  
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He kept his arm around me the whole time I talked. I cried, and even though I ended up soaking his shirt, he never told me to stop.  
  
"That's why I had that dream last night, I think. I thought maybe one day I could just forget about it, but now. . ."  
  
I sniffed, and caught sight of his watch and realized that we had missed half an hour of class. I ignored it.  
  
"Why can't it just be over?" I finally asked. He had no answer, but pulled me gently into his chest, then kissed the top of my head. "I wish there was something I could do. I wish there was some way that I could. . . just have control."  
  
We stayed silent for a minute more, then he let go of me and got up, excited. "There's something you can do. Come on!"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Just trust me on this. You'll get complete control."  
  
"But we have class."  
  
He shrugged. "So what? We're already going to get marked as skipping."  
  
His grin was contagious, and helped me feel a little less desperate. "Fine," I agreed, no idea what he had planned.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Should I be concerned that you knew how well you knew your way here?"  
  
"My uncle works here. Come on."  
  
We stood outside the prison where Dean was being held. Apparently his parents couldn't have him released until Friday.  
  
"Wait," I said, pulling him back. "Are you sure we can get inside? Don't you have to be eighteen?"  
  
"You're telling me that you don't have a fake ID stashed in your bag?"  
  
I couldn't deny it, but still wasn't sure about going in. I pulled my ID out and we headed to the booth outside the gates.  
  
"Can I help you?" he asked me. I froze.  
  
"Yeah," Spinner said quickly, stepping forward. "We wanted to visit an inmate."  
  
He handed us each a pass. "This will get you inside, you'll have to get approval to visit. Stand back." We did, and a gate opened. We followed a long hallway into a reception area, in a different building from the jail. We went up to the desk.  
  
"Can I help you?" the guy asked. He was skinny with freckles, and I couldn't imagine him being one to work around inmates. This time, I wasn't afraid to speak.  
  
"Hi, I was hoping to visit my cousin." I vaguely remember something on a cop show I'd heard that it was easier for family to get in.  
  
"What's you cousin's name?"  
  
"Dean. Dean Roberts."  
  
"And you are?"  
  
I glanced quickly at my ID. "Elizabeth Daniels."  
  
"And you are?" he asked Spinner.  
  
"My fiancé," I said quickly. "Jake Meyers. That's why we want to see him. To tell him."  
  
"Can I see some ID?" Spinner started reaching for it, but he shook his head. "No, her."  
  
I pulled the card out and handed it to him. He looked it over carefully, then nodded and handed us each a clipboard. "Fill these out."  
  
I filled out the form quickly, but when I was done, sat there, nervously tapping my pen.  
  
"Ready?" he asked.  
  
I nodded, but wasn't sure. He put his hand on my shoulder. "We don't have to do this."  
  
I shook my head. "No, I'm going to do this."  
  
He nodded and kissed me quickly, then brought our forms back to the disapproving receptionist. He looked them over, then handed us more passes, taking back the old ones. He pressed a button, and a door opened, letting us into the other side of the desk. We waited for a minute, then we were met by a prison guard. To my surprise, it was a woman. She briskly went over safety and other procedures, while taking us through another long, seemingly endless hallway.  
  
"Get ready. It's not a pretty group in there, Paige."  
  
I was taken aback. "It's Elizabeth."  
  
"I may not be a cop, but I'm not stupid," she informed me, not slowing down, hardly looking back. "I know what this kid did and I know that you're not a cousin. You're not eighteen either, are you?" Finally, she stopped and turn to look at me.  
  
"My husband's also Kevin Collins. And I know that this kid is never going to be punished enough for what he did. I'm not without empathy. Just don't tell that I knew anything, if you get caught, okay?"  
  
I was trying to process everything. "Yeah."  
  
"I'm going to get you a private interview room," she said, picking up her pace again.  
  
"I don't want to be alone with him," I said quickly.  
  
"In private, his hands and legs will be chained together, and his arms chained to the chair. There are panic buttons in the room, and your friend can wait outside the door. There's a double sided mirror where he can watch." It was the first time she acknowledged Spinner. "And it'll be a whole lot easier without the other perverts surrounding you."  
  
I took a deep breath, and she led me to the double sided window she was talking about. She left, and said she had to get him, and told us to stay there. We did, and he took his hand in mine. We waited, five, ten, fifteen minutes, and said nothing. We didn't have to. My heart pumped harder as tie went by. My mouth was dry, and my tongue felt heavy. Eventually, the guard, whose name I never got, came in from a door on the other side of the room. She aggressively pushed him down, then chained him to the table. She yelled something, but we couldn't hear anything. She opened the door on our side and came out.  
  
"He's all yours. The door's open from the outside." She walked down the hall, but I had the feeling she would be back. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. 


	21. A Slap in the Face

Finally, a night with only two hours homework! Lol. I thought grade ten was supposed to be easy! School's tough, but I promise I'm getting as much writing in as possible. In the meantime, you can occupy yourself with EvenAngelsFall22 stories and harass her into updating her story!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The air was stale, and nearly sent me into a coughing fit. There was the distinct smell of sweat. The table looked old and unsteady, but as promised, Dean was chained to it.  
  
He stared at me with an unreadable expression. He didn't look angry or annoyed. He also didn't look his usual cocky or the way I was used to him- scary.  
  
The room was small, and I felt the walls start to close in around me. I felt panicked, but I tried to keep my cool. I knew Dean fed off of that.  
  
"So, Spirit," he said casually, his eyes narrowing. "You're my cousin now?" Around his left eye, I could see a fading bruise, and his lip looked slightly swollen. I wondered how tight the handcuffs were.  
  
And how tight I could make them.  
  
"So, you're quiet. That's cool. You were always better with, oh, non-verbal communication." He was smiling, but to anyone looking, he didn't look angry. He was cool, calm and spoke as if nothing had happened. We were old friends who joked around.  
  
"I meant to ask you when you attacked me in the courtroom, how is Waterboy?"  
  
I was ready to back out of the room. Slowly, I took tiny steps backwards towards the door. I had put my hand on the handle on the door when he laughed.  
  
"Run along, Spirit. You never had the balls to do anything anyways."  
  
I opened my mouth to ask what he meant, but nothing came out. It didn't matter though. It was like he read my mind.  
  
"That night," he said, his voice softer, deeper. His face had darkened, his eyes angry, intense. "You could have walked away. You could have left anytime you wanted to. I guess you wanted it more than you're willing to admit." He raised his eyebrows. "Aren't you?"  
  
My mouth had closed again, but my tongue was too heavy to say anything. I couldn't think of anything but how he was right.  
  
"And then that little band of yours? I thought you might have actually grown a pair. Guess I was wrong."  
  
I turned around towards the door, touched the handle and turned back around to him. I walked over, my mind racing and my heart pounding, and raised my hand. He smiled in the instant before my hand hit his cheek. I didn't wait too see what he did after the stunned expression came across his face. I turned on my heels, and the door opened as I touched the handle. Spinner was standing holding the handle.  
  
Grinning.  
  
I let the door close before I wrapped my arms around him and started laughing. The last I saw of Dean was my hand print, red on his face.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The high I had didn't last as long as I had hoped. It was gone by the time I got home.  
  
"And where were you?" my mom asked.  
  
I checked the time. It was only three o'clock. The school shouldn't have even called her. The system was she had to give a written explanation (or I had to forge one) for the next day, or I would be marked as skipping, and they would have eventually called her.  
  
"I. . . why are you home?"  
  
"I got a phone call about eleven this morning." Her tone was sarcastic. I was in trouble.  
  
"From who?"  
  
"The crown attorney prosecuting Dean." Her words sounded rehearsed. "She wanted me to bring you down to her office this afternoon."  
  
"Oh," was all I could say.  
  
"So then I went to the school to pick you up, and take you out to lunch first and guess what kind of shock it was when I realized that you had never shown up for school! Where were you?"  
  
I didn't answer. I just stared at my hands.  
  
"Answer me, Paige."  
  
"Out," I mumbled.  
  
"Out," she repeated. "Out!? So now it's okay to skip school to go out? What was so important that you thought you could skip class and go out?"  
  
I didn't say anything again.  
  
"Hmm?" I couldn't believe how angry she was. "What was so important?"  
  
"Everything!" I shouted. "Everything is more important mom! Don't you realize that I could be dying right now?"  
  
She stood back like I'd slapped her. She looked at me sharply for another minute, then said in a soft voice, "We'll talk about this later, Paige."  
  
"No we won't! You always say that we're going to talk and then you're either too tired, or you spend the whole time talking at me!"  
  
She kept the same low, steady tone to her voice. "I'll take you to the Crown Attorney's officer now, but this isn't the end."  
  
I picked up my purse on the table by the door. "Don't bother doing me any favours. I'll take the bus!" I reinforced my point by shaking the entire house when I slammed the door.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I got to the building where the prosecutors officer was supposed to be and realized that I had no idea who I was supposed to see. I went to the front desk and hoped for the best.  
  
The girl who sat behind the desk, reading a magazine, didn't acknowledge me until I finally cleared my throat. She looked up and raised her eyebrows, as if I were interrupting her.  
  
"I'm supposed to be meting with one of the lawyers today-"  
  
"Which one?" she cut me off.  
  
"She left a message on my machine," I began, amazed at how easily I lied, even when I didn't need to. "And I forgot to write down her name."  
  
She looked me over, then turned to the computer beside her. "What's the charge?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Murder, kidnapping, theft," she rattled.  
  
"Rape," I said quickly, my voice coming out high pitched.  
  
Her expression seemed to soften when I said that. "What's your name?"  
  
"Paige. Paige Michalchuk."  
  
She nodded, then tapped away for a couple of minutes. "You want to find Jenny Hamilton. She's in office seven."  
  
"Thanks," I said, but still hesitated. She looked up from her magazine again when she realized I was still there.  
  
"Is there something else?"  
  
"No. Thanks." I took a deep breath and headed for the stairs.  
  
The office wasn't hard to find. There was no front desk, but the officer was busy. A young looking guy walked past me.  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
He turned around. He didn't have the same obnoxious look on his face as some of the other men looking around the officer. "Do you know where I can find Jenny Hamilton?"  
  
"Are you Manuella by any chance?"  
  
"No, I'm Paige."  
  
"Paige, good. I'll take you to her office. I'm Mark," he said, offering his hand. I'm her second chair for the trial."  
  
I looked at him like I knew what he was talking about.  
  
"I'm helping out on the trial."  
  
I nodded and smiled. "That I can understand."  
  
He motioned to a sofa outside an office where I assumed she was. "I just need to talk to her for a minute first."  
  
I nodded, and he went in. A minute or two passed, and Officer Collins came out.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I asked.  
  
"Hey, cops don't always make the best witnesses. She needed to talk to me about the trial." He sat down beside me. "So I hear you met my wife and lived to tell about it."  
  
"She told you?"  
  
"I talked to her this afternoon. You made quite an impression on her. I guess you were there long enough to hear about what happened to Dean." 


	22. Another Call

Oops. Big oops. I found out that Paiges brother's name is actually Dylan, not Mikey. I've changed it in this chapter, and once I get a bit more time on my hand, I'll redo the old chapters.  
  
Thank you so much once again for all the kind reviews!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My blood ran cold. What had happened to Dean? Had someone hurt him? Had he gotten out? I tried to ask, but my mouth wouldn't comply.  
  
"He got into a fight with another inmate. The inmate found out about his health."  
  
"Health?" I managed.  
  
"He's HIV-positive."  
  
I calmed down. "I know."  
  
"You do?"  
  
I nodded. "Jena found out she was HIV-positive and told me."  
  
"Did you get tested?"  
  
I nodded again. "Yesterday. I haven't gotten the results." I tried to sound as calm as I could, as unaffected as I could, and he seemed to buy it.  
  
"Did he-" I started, but couldn't continue.  
  
"Did he what?"  
  
I shook my head. "Never mind." I sat there another minute. "Did he know that he had HIV before he raped all of us?"  
  
He seemed surprised at my question, but didn't think before answering. "I don't know. I'd have to check his medical records, but I need a subpoena for that."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"A subpoena. It's a court order for his medical records."  
  
"Paige?" Mark, the other prosecutor asked, coming out of the office. I stood up, said a quick good-bye to Officer Collins, then went in.  
  
I had been expecting an old grumpy woman for some reason, and I was shocked when I saw Jennifer. She was petite with curly brown hair and a friendly face. She looked like a University student and I couldn't imagine her being a good lawyer.  
  
"Hi Paige, I'm Jennifer Hamilton," she introduced herself, shaking my hand. I had expected her to have a high-pitched chirpy voice, but it came out smooth and deep.  
  
"I wanted to meet with you today to go over what's going to be happening the next couple of weeks." There was no small talk, no beating around the bush. She went straight into it. "There are going to be a couple more motions, but I don't know if you'll need to testify at any of them. Dean is going to released from prison tomorrow, but I hear you've already gone to see him. He is going to be under house arrest until the trial, so if he tries to approach you, call the police immediately. I am going to ask you to testify at his trial, even though he isn't being prosecuted for your rape." She totally blunt, but I liked her.  
  
"How long. . . how long will he got to jail?"  
  
She looked me in the eye. "Best case scenario- ten years."  
  
He had raped me, tormented me, broken into my house, made me loose my mind and maybe given me a disease that would one day kill me, and he only went away for ten years?  
  
I was beginning to see that there was no such thing as justice.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That night was another awful night. My fears swung wildly between what he would do now, me having HIV and what he would do once he got out of jail. I didn't sleep more than twenty minutes at a time, and when I did, I woke up in a cold sweat, nearly in tears.  
  
My stomach roiled constantly, and I couldn't bring myself to turn my light off. I couldn't sit still, but my body felt too heavy to move. Finally, about five o'clock, I passed out from sheer exhaustion, and at six thirty, I woke up sobbing and screaming.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My mom and I hadn't talked the night before. Once I got home, she had locked herself in her room, and hadn't said a word to me. I wasn't too upset about that. She was in a much better mood when I emerged from my room the next morning.  
  
She was sitting at the table, reading a card. She was all dressed up for a Friday. Then it struck me.  
  
It was her birthday. And I had completely forgotten.  
  
"Oh, sweetie, thank you," she said, looking up and Dylan and I. "Both of you!"  
  
"But I-" I began, but Dylan pinched me in the back. "You're welcome."  
  
She hugged both of us quickly, then left after an off-key rendition of Happy Birthday.  
  
"Thank you!" I exclaimed as soon as she was out off earshot. "What did you get her?"  
  
"A spa package. For tonight and tomorrow. She's gone tonight."  
  
"How did you afford this?"  
  
"That doesn't matter. Look, I need you to cover for me though."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"You know I don't do anything stupid often. But I'm spending the night at someone's house tonight."  
  
It took me a second to process what he had just said. "Do I get to know his name?"  
  
"I'll tell you all about him tomorrow. Just, please, do this for me."  
  
The idea of being alone in the house at night terrified me, but he looked so excited that I couldn't help but agree.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Did you get any sleep last night?" Spinner asked as I rested my head on his shoulder.  
  
I shook my head. "Nothing that counted."  
  
"How long has it been since you slept properly?"  
  
"November," I answered without thinking. I really hadn't had a proper night's sleep since Dean had raped me. "Since Monday night."  
  
"Do you know when you get the test results?"  
  
I shook my head. "Maybe I'll get them Monday."  
  
"Do you have any plans for this weekend?"  
  
I shook my head again. "My mom and Dylan are away tonight. I'll probably end up doing homework."  
  
Spin laughed. "Paige Michalchuk do homework on a Friday night?"  
  
I smacked him gently. "It's not that funny."  
  
"Yes it is."  
  
"Fine, then why don't you come over tonight?"  
  
"So I can do homework with you?" He had controlled himself, but started laughing again at that suggestion.  
  
"We'll rent a movie or something. My mom probably has me on house arrest."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"She found out we skipped yesterday." I filled him in on the events of the day after I had gotten home. Although there was nothing special about that moment, nothing particularly sweet or tender, just the two of us talking, and I had no idea why, it was the first time that I really discovered how much I loved him. I had told him I loved him before, but I hadn't felt it until that moment.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Okay, we have SWAT, Terminator 3 and My Big Fat Greek Wedding," Spin told me that night, unpacking the movies, chips and pop he had brought.  
  
"How are we going to get through all this?"  
  
He shrugged. "Doesn't matter." I sat on the couch, and he popped he movie into the VCR. He turned off the overhead light, pulled out a bag of M&Ms and sat down beside me. I curled up against his chest, and he put his arm around me.  
  
The gunfire from the movie slowly faded into the background, and I settled in against his chest. Finally, without any struggle, I fell asleep peacefully for the first time for the first time in a week.  
  
An hour or so later, the phone woke me out of my dreamless sleep. I looked over at Spin, who was still concentrating on the movie, but had his arms around me. I gently pulled myself out of his arms, and went to pick it up, remembering the last time we'd been watching a movie and the phone rang.  
  
"Hello?" I asked cautiously.  
  
"Hello, could I please speak with Paige Michalchuk?"  
  
"Speaking."  
  
"This is Carla Tarver from Bay Street Laboratories. The results of your blood test are in."  
  
"You have them? Can you tell me?"  
  
"Doctor Johnston has requested that you come in to see him. How is tomorrow at twelve?" 


	23. Escape

Wow, you guys are amazing! I was having an awful day in Computer class when I logged on and saw all the reviews. It really made my day. Thank you so much!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My heart pounded in my throat, and I gripped the phone.  
  
"Hello?" the woman asked.  
  
"Uh. . . yeah."  
  
"Tomorrow at twelve?"  
  
I swallowed hard, but my mouth was dry. "Un-huh." She hung up, but I kept the phone in my hand.  
  
"Paige?" Spin asked.  
  
I let go of the phone and hung it up. "They have my tests."  
  
I couldn't read his expression. "And?" he finally asked.  
  
I shrugged. "They want me to come in tomorrow." I rubbed my eyes. After a week of almost no sleep, I was dead tired, but was still wide awake. A loud bang from the television reminded me that it was still on.  
  
"Are you okay with this?"  
  
I shrugged again. "I don't get to choose what's going to happen." I felt like I should have been angry, but all I could do was cry. I blinked and looked away, but could still see me.  
  
"Can you pass me a can of coke?" I asked, trying to break his gaze from me.  
  
He got me a can and I took a long sip. "I want it to be over," I said flatly.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
This time a hint of emotion broke through. "I want it to be over. I just want to be free." I looked him in the eye. "I know I've said this before, so many times, but I keep hoping something, anything, will change. But now I'm sick and I don't get to forget-,"  
  
"Wait, you said you didn't get the results."  
  
"I didn't, but how hard is it to say that they were negative over the phone?" I started pacing. "I'm dying, Spin, I could be dying. I've barely slept in a week, and I just need to escape this. I can't live like this. I don't want to remember his face and I don't want to see him again. I don't want to dream about him and what he did. It's been almost five months and I can't sleep without checking under my bed. I'm not supposed to be like this! When is this going to end?"  
  
He stood in front of me and gently put his hand on my cheek. "Escape," he said simply.  
  
His solution seemed so simple. "How?"  
  
His body was so close to mine that I could feel his breath on my cheek. "What do you want? Right now, what do you want?"  
  
I closed my eyes, then opened them again. "I just want to sleep. I want to sleep without the nightmares and without feeling the monsters under my bed. I want to fall asleep without crying and without being scared, and wake up without having a nightmare wake me up."  
  
"Then that's what we'll do."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
On TV and in the movies, it always looks simple. Then again, I guess most normal people have sex before spending the night together.  
  
"Is this okay?" he asked, pulling off his sweatshirt. Underneath, he had a tank top.  
  
"Yeah," I said, pulling my hair out of its ponytail. It was lucky I was so tired, otherwise I would have been more self conscious about my own pyjamas.  
  
After two quick phone calls- one to Marco, asking him to cover for him, and one to his mom, saying that he and Marco had planned a Monty-Python marathon, Spin had gotten permission to stay over.  
  
My mind was mush, and everything seemed to blend together. I lied down, and Spin followed.  
  
"Do you want me to leave the light on?"  
  
"No, it's okay."  
  
He nodded, turned off the light, and within second I felt his body beside mine. My bed was a double, and we had enough room, but he brought his body close to mine, and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his nose into my neck.  
  
Slowly, the walls separating my anger and the frustration and exhaustion broke down, and they all blended together. All I could feel was fear. My body shook and inevitable tears flowed freely from my eyes. I tried not to make any noise, but he heard and held me closer.  
  
"Thank you," I whispered. In his arms, knowing that he would be here to protect me while I slept, and be there when I woke up, I was finally able to sleep.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Paige? Hello?"  
  
My eyes shot open. Spinner's arm was draped over me. I looked over at the clock. 10:30. We had slept for almost twelve hours. And Dylan was home.  
  
"Paige?" His voice was right outside the door. Before I had a chance to yell 'don't come in', be opened my door.  
  
"Oh my God," he said, quickly turning around. Spinner chose that moment to wake up.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked.  
  
"Dylan just came home."  
  
His eyes got really wide and he looked at the clock. "I should get going." He stumbled out of bed, found his shirt and pulled it over his head. "Do I run the risk of injury if Dylan sees me?"  
  
I sat up and shook my head. "Thanks for staying," I said softly.  
  
He sat down beside me and kissed me deeply. "Anytime." I watched him leave, then lied back down. I had finally had a chance to sleep, and felt grateful for that, but the fear up the impending blood test results caused a knot in the pit of my stomach. Finally, I got out of bed.  
  
"I'm sorry," Dylan said from the couch. I plopped down beside him.  
  
"It wasn't what it looked like."  
  
He raised his eyebrows. "Really?"  
  
I knew he wasn't scolding me, seeing as he had just stayed the night at his boyfriends house. "Spinner just stayed the night. I didn't want to stay alone."  
  
Dylan's face fell. "Oh, Paige, I never even thought of that."  
  
"It's okay. It wasn't your fault. And it ended up as a good thing. It was the first night in a week that I've been able to sleep."  
  
He nodded. "How about some breakfast?"  
  
I shook my head. "My stomach's kind of upset."  
  
He looked me over. "You're not pregnant, are you?"  
  
"Dylan!" Had I really been that much of a slut before that my own brother thought that I was sleeping around?  
  
"Just a question."  
  
"No, I'm not."  
  
"Fine. Good." He picked up the TV remote, but put it back down. "Why is mom so mad at you?"  
  
"I skipped school."  
  
"Why?"  
  
I hesitated, then decided to tell him the truth. "I went to see Dean on Thursday."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know. It was a stupid thing to do, but. . ."  
  
"Did you talk to him?"  
  
"I. . . got my point across."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I slapped him."  
  
Dylan broke down laughing. Not just ha-ha laughing, but his eyes watered and he held his sides. It was him laughing at Dean. And it was beautiful.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
When I got to the doctor's, I was twenty minutes early, but they brought me into a cubicle right away. Then they made me wait for forty minutes.  
  
First I tried to just sit still. That worked for the first thirty seconds. Then I tried humming. Two minutes. I picked up a magazine in the corner and leafed through it. Ten minutes. I combined humming with reading. Two and a half minutes.  
  
Fifteen minutes into it and I was ready to loose my mind.  
  
I hummed and read some more. I paced and fidgeted. I tried to go through my favourite TV show, my favourite movie, my favourite song lyrics, my favourite book. I tried to imagine what the doctor looked like. Finally, the door opened.  
  
"Hello, I'm doctor Johnston. I have the results of your. . ." he flipped open the clipboard that he was carrying. His eyes widened, then he looked back up at me. "Your HIV test. The results are negative, however, we recommend that you return in six months for another test, and a final one six months after that just to be sure that the virus isn't currently dormant. You can schedule it with my receptionist on your way out." Without missing a beat, he got up and left.  
  
I sat there for a long time trying to process what he had said. Negative. Negative. I'd never been so happy for a negative before.  
  
At the same time, I was afraid that maybe the doctor was right and the virus was "Dormant". Was that what he had said? I could still have the disease? No, I wouldn't go there. I wouldn't spend the next year freaking out about it. At least, this time I was going to make an honest effort. This time I was in control. 


	24. Split Screen Sadness

Okay, this may seem a little fast, but I promise everything in this chapter will be explained in the next chapter or two. This is another song-fic-ish chapter. All I'm going to say is "Split Screen Sadness" by John Mayer is the inspiration for the last part of the chapter.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The next couple of weeks went by much easier than the past few. Things seemed like they were starting to get back to normal. The regular gossip, giggling and notes were now joined with antidepressants and therapy, but overall, things were better. Before I knew what was happening, a month and a half had gone by and Dean's trial was only two weeks away.  
  
"Hi, Paige," Jenny said when I came in to talk about the trial. "How are you?"  
  
"Good," I answered. For once it was true. I sat down on the chair by the table she was sitting at. She had a notepad in front of her and a pen between her fingers.  
  
"Good. I wanted to go over your testimony today. Just to give you an idea of what it'll be like in court."  
  
I nodded. "Two weeks from today, right?"  
  
"Yes. Now, before we start, I want to ask you something. What do you want to see happen to Dean?"  
  
I closed my eyes and opened them again. "I want to see him pay for what he did."  
  
"How?"  
  
I was going to loose control. I couldn't really say what I was thinking, could I? "I want him to go to jail."  
  
"Off the record. If you could see anything done to him, what would it be?"  
  
I exhaled slowly. "I want to see him got to jail and rot in there before he burns in hell. I want him to pay for what he did. I want him to hurt the way I did for the rest of his life. I want him to know what he did and I hope he dies a slow, painful, agonizing death."  
  
She nodded, and a slow smile crept across her face. "Good."  
  
I was surprised. "Good?"  
  
"You're passionate about this. You're not going to treat it as a joke. You're going to get him convicted."  
  
Three days before the trial, Spinner was walking me home when he offered to skip school for the trial.  
  
"Don't," I said quickly. Too quickly. He stopped walking and stepped back. "I mean. . . I. . ."  
  
He looked hurt. "You what?"  
  
"I. . . I don't want you getting in trouble because of me," I finished lamely.  
  
He nodded and started walking again. He was still hurt, and he was still upset, but kept walking. We made small talk all the way home. When I unlocked the door, he kissed me quickly on the cheek and turned to leave.  
  
"Wait," I called after him. He turned. "Do you want to come in for awhile?"  
  
He shook his head. "I've got a lot of homework."  
  
I stepped out to look him in the eye. "Spin, it's Friday."  
  
He stepped back. "I have to get home."  
  
"Spin," I called again after him. "Spin!"  
  
He turned around for a second time. Although he had walked away, I could see his eyes were red. "I'll see you Monday, okay?" I nodded and watched him walk away before stepping back inside and slamming the door. The whole house shook. Dylan came down the stairs and asked what was going on.  
  
"I don't get it! What did I do wrong?"  
  
"What happened?" he asked as I dropped my bag in the entranceway and plopped down on the couch, pouting.  
  
"He asked me if I wanted him to skip school to go to the trial. I said no and now he doesn't want to talk to me.  
  
Dylan sat down beside me. "Pride."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The whole male-ego thing. Just give him a chance to get over it. Why don't you coming anyways?"  
  
I shrugged. "He's already done so much."  
  
"Hmm. Just give him time. You guys'll work through it by Monday."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Wow. Can you say prepville?" I asked Ash as we walked into Fairweathers the next day. I knew that had some preppy stuff, but I was overwhelmed by the suites, blouses, dress pants and skirts. We were looking for clothes for me to wear in court. After a quick look through my closet, it was evident that nothing that I already had would cut it.  
  
"Do you want to get a bunch of outfits or just one for when you're testifying?"  
  
"I don't know. I just don't want everyone thinking that I'm a major slut."  
  
"How much did your mom give you?"  
  
"Her credit card."  
  
"The we'll get as much as we need."  
  
"Are my clothes really that bad?"  
  
She didn't answer, but went over to a rack and pulled out a white collared blouse and handed it to me. I raised my eyebrows. "Are you serious?"  
  
"Paige, you wanted my help."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled, taking the blouse from her. "What else?"  
  
She proceeded to find me a blouse like the white one in white in black, beige and red, two suits- black and beige- with both pants and skirts. After an hour and a half and almost two hundred dollars, we decided to take a break.  
  
"We need to get a couple more things, but we've still got time," she said, taking a bite of her caesar salad. I couldn't bring myself to get a salad, so I settled on a slice of pizza. "What's been going on with you lately? We've barely had a chance to talk."  
  
"You're not missing much. I'm just freaking out about the trial. And Spinner and I are fighting."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
I shrugged. "I'll let you know when I figure it out. Dylan said it was some pride thing."  
  
Ash smiled. "Well you know how much of a pain that can be."  
  
"I guess in a way it was my fault."  
  
"How?"  
  
I shrugged. "Maybe if I was honest with him, this wouldn't have happened."  
  
"What did you lie about?"  
  
"I think I need to figure out what I'm thinking before I explain it to anyone else."  
  
That comment confused her even more. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I told Spinner that I didn't want him coming to the trial. And I don't. I just don't know why. I love him. I should be able to have him support me, shouldn't I?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The trial started Monday morning.  
  
After several hours of pleading and bargaining, I had finally convinced my mom to let me go for the whole thing. Ms. Sovet had also told her that it would be good for me to see.  
  
However, after several hours of pacing, rambling in my journal, shopping and-literally- pulling my hair out on Saturday, on Sunday night, that wasn't what was on my mind.  
  
Saturday, I had worn myself out to the point of exhaustion, and I slept in late Sunday morning. I got up around noon, and had planned to spend the rest of the day in my pyjamas when Spinner called.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Paige, it's me." I felt like a massive weight was being lifted off my chest. He didn't sound mad.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Can you meet me at Hillside park in an hour?"  
  
"Sure." Silence. "Hey, Spin."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
I love you, I love you. Just say it, Michalchuk. "Nothing. I'll see you in an hour."  
  
I ditched my plans to stay in my pyjamas and headed to the shower.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
He was sitting on a swing when I got there. I carefully walked around the puddles, still there from the newly melted snow, and sat in the swing beside him. It was still cool, and I wished I had brought a heavier sweater. The sun was shining on us, at least.  
  
"Can you just explain it to me, Paige?" His words were soft, almost sounded gentle. "I don't understand after everything's that happened."  
  
"I. . . it's hard, Spin. I wish I could explain it."  
  
"Then try. I've been with you for everything I can since this happened. Why don't you want me?"  
  
"It's not that I don't want you! Why would you think that?"  
  
"Because you've been avoiding me lately."  
  
"I have not!"  
  
"Well it sure feels like it! And it's not like it would be the first time that you ditched me for someone else." Instead of the comment coming out angry, it was soft, like he was hurt by the idea of it.  
  
I gaped at him. As much as I tried to fight it, tears formed in my eyes. I ignored them. "Once, Spin. Once. And you think I didn't pay for it?" A tear slid down my cheek. "It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I was arrogant and stupid ad did I ever pay for it."  
  
"Is that your way of saying it's true?"  
  
I stood up and slapped him. Hard. I quickly wiped my face, then continued. "If you think that, maybe you never really knew me."  
  
"I knew you Paige. I know you. But I'm trying to understand what you're saying, and I can't. And I have spent hours trying to figure out why you don't want me, and nothing else makes sense."  
  
I gritted my teeth. "I'm not going to stand here and justify the way I feel to you."  
  
This time he had tears in his eyes too. "Then I guess we're done here."  
  
I nodded and allowed the tears to run freely down my face. "That's it? You don't get your way one time and it's done? I still don't know what I've done to offend you."  
  
He nodded. "Then this is goodbye?"  
  
I still couldn't understand what I had done, or what was wrong with him. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Goodbye."  
  
Slowly, almost in slow motion, we turned and went our separate ways. I started walking, then turned back around to watch him. "Spin?" He stopped, but didn't turn. "I don't know what's going on, but if you figure it out, I still love you."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
One last thing. I'm thinking of doing a Paige/Original character story. Would any of you be interested in reading that, or are OC's too annoying? 


	25. No One's Listening

I'm getting pretty close to the end here. I've got three more chapters after his planned, although there may be more. All of them are song-fic-ish. I'll just say what song would got with it, and I promise, no lyrics. At the end of this chapter, the song would be Acoustic #3 by the Goo Goo Dolls. And the book I mention is "The Survivors Club" by Lisa Gardner. Totally amazing book. Run, don't walk, to get it.  
  
I have to say thank you all so much for your kind reviews ; ). It's really the greatest feeling. And sorry to everyone who's stories I usually review. I'm having huge internet problems, so when I can access the site, it takes me five minutes to load a page, and it randomly disconnects. I promise I'll get back to review all the stories once it's fixed.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I was up at five o'clock in the morning. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. Instead, I let out all the new clothes Ash and I had bought and took an hour trying them on and trying to figure out what to wear to the trial. I finally decided on the beige pants and black blouse.  
  
After an hour of getting dressed and half an hour of playing with my hair, I was completely ready and had two hours to go before I met Manny, along with the other girls who had pressed charges. We had dubbed ourselves "The Survivors Club" after Jena had gotten the idea from a Lisa Gardner book. Even if we couldn't press charges, we would stare him down from the front row in the courtroom.  
  
Jenny had worked hours to get me ready for this. She wasn't allowed to have all of us testify, so chose me because of him breaking into my house, and it was me that had gotten everyone to come forward.  
  
Dylan knocked on my door. "Paige?"  
  
"It's open."  
  
He came in, fully dressed. "Phone." He handed me the cordless.  
  
"Hello?" Dylan stood in the doorway.  
  
"Paige, it's me." Jena's voice was panicked. "Can you come over?"  
  
"Um. . ." I covered the mouthpiece. "Are you going for Volleyball practice?"  
  
"Yeah. Is everything okay?"  
  
"Jena needs me. Can you give me a ride?"  
  
"Can you leave in two minutes?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'll drive you."  
  
"Thanks!" I went back to the phone. "I'll be there soon."  
  
"Thanks," she whispered, then hung up. "Car. Now."  
  
"I'm going, I'm going. Besides, aren't I the one driving you?"  
  
"Thank you Dylan," I said sweetly.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Jena didn't live all that far from me. She went to a Catholic school, but had she been in public, she would have gone to Degrassi.  
  
"Good luck today," he told me when we pulled up in front of her house. The courthouse was within walking distance from her house, and with his words came the harsh realization that the trial was only an hour and a half away.  
  
"Thanks," I whispered for the third or fourth time.  
  
"Can I be the annoying, overprotective big brother for a minute?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"I'm proud of you for doing this. And I would like nothing better than to pummel him. But I think what you're doing is probably more effective. And legal."  
  
I smiled and before I could stop myself, I threw my arms around him. "I'll see you tonight." We both regained our composure, and I got out.  
  
Jena answered the door right away. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair was a mess and she was wearing an old bathrobe.  
  
"I can't do this," she told me tearfully as I stepped inside.  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"The trial, seeing him, all of it."  
  
Throughout the whole experience, Jena had always been the strong one. She had always kept it together, and had always been there, no matter what. Even with the whole HIV thing, Jena had taken it better than me. It was a shock to see her that way.  
  
"Hon, you've got to calm down."  
  
She started pacing. "No. I can't."  
  
"Yes, you can. Come on, let's find you something to wear."  
  
"Paige," she said desperately.  
  
"No," I said firmly. "You called me over here, now I'm going to do what I need to do."  
  
She wiped at her eyes. "Look at me. I'm a mess."  
  
Her already pale skin looked even paler than usual, but I didn't mention anything. On her bed, she had laid out all black clothes.  
  
"It's kind of interesting," she said bitterly. She sounded angry, but looked like she was still choking back tears. "I'm not dead yet and I know who kills me." She broke into more sobbing.  
  
I finally understood. I hadn't realized how much having HIV had affected her- and how. For her, it was harder than for anyone of us. Not only did she have to deal with the memories of that night, she had a daily reminder of him and her potentially fatal disease.  
  
"Look," I told her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry. But you're going to be stuck with me for a long, long time. And today, you can either sit here with me, because I'm not going anywhere, or you can come with me and we can watch this jackass go to jail for a long, long time."  
  
She smiled slightly at that. "You think we have time to do something with my hair?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Despite everything, we were still at the courthouse at eight-thirty, an hour before the trial was supposed to start. In a moment of insanity, I had stopped in at Second Cup, thinking a latte would calm me. I was anxious and jittery.  
  
"They're not coming," Jena said nervously.  
  
"They'll be here," I said to her as I spotted Manny coming up the steps.  
  
Slowly, the seven of us came together and took our seats in the front row. My heart pounded wildly in my chest, and I could barley think. Jena gripped my hand. I smiled at her.  
  
"It's almost over," I whispered.  
  
We all sat there, hand in hand waiting to see what was to come of us.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The morning was boring. All they were doing was jury selection. We took a break at lunch, but none of us had eaten anything much. The afternoon was a bit more interesting with opening statements and the doctor who had examined Manny testifying. The real fireworks didn't start until the next day. In the morning, Manny testified, and in the afternoon, it was my turn.  
  
I had to wait at a back door for someone to take me in, so I missed most of what Manny said. I had no idea what to expect. When she came out the door I was supposed to go in, she was crying. We hugged quickly, and the bailiff called my name. I followed him into the courtroom. He led me to the stand, and like on all good cop shows, I had to promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  
  
Jenny's questions had gone exactly like she had asked me in her officer. My name, what school I went to, how I knew Dean. The night of the party, what happened, and when and why did I press charges. Dean coming to my school again, calling me, e-mailing me and breaking in. Dean's lawyer, a fifty-some guy with gray hair, an emotionless face and an expensive suit, never once objected. Jenny finished, and he stood up.  
  
"Miss Michalchuk, how old did you say you are?"  
  
"Fourteen."  
  
"Fourteen. And how many boyfriends would you say you've had."  
  
I'd been on plenty of dates, but I hadn't really dated that many. "Uh, two or three."  
  
"Is that counting my client?"  
  
"I never dated Dean."  
  
"Really? How's that?"  
  
"Being asked out on a date isn't the same thing as dating someone."  
  
"Okay, so how many guys have you gone out on dates with?"  
  
"I don't know. Like a dozen."  
  
"So, you get around?"  
  
Before I could get angry, Jenny stood up and objected. Before she or the other lawyer could argue, the judge got mad at Dean's lawyer. I looked over at the jury. I didn't know if they felt sorry for me or were disgusted.  
  
"Are you currently in a relationship?"  
  
I didn't know how to answer that. Were Spin and I still together? "Yes."  
  
"Out of one bed and into another."  
  
"Objection!" Jenny shouted again.  
  
"Sustained," the judge said for the second time in less than a minute. He said something else to the lawyer, but I couldn't understand what exactly it was.  
  
"Miss Michalchuk, the night of the party, did Mr. Roberts ask you to go upstairs?"  
  
"No. I suggested it."  
  
"You asked him to go upstairs with you?"  
  
"To talk."  
  
"So let me get this straight. You were at a party where they were serving alcohol, even though you're underage. You're with a guy who you know is older and visibly stronger than you, and you suggest going to talk? When I was in school, suggesting to into a room alone to talk wasn't for talking."  
  
"So what?" I spat. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "He's a guy who's bigger than me so I should know that he's going to rape me?! My brother's bigger than me. Should I be scared of him too?"  
  
"Miss Michalchuk, did you or did you not knowing invite Mr. Roberts into a situation you knew was dangerous?"  
  
"No, I did not."  
  
"That's not what it sounds like to me. Now, you were hospitalized about three months ago, is that right?"  
  
He was bring my breakdown into this? "Yes."  
  
"What for?"  
  
I pursed my lips. "I had a nervous breakdown."  
  
"You were diagnosed with several mental illnesses, were you not?"  
  
"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from Dean- uh, Mr. Roberts raping me."  
  
"That remains to be seen. No further questions."  
  
Instead of making him look guilty, all I had done was sound like a crazy slut who had seduced him.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Paige, I'm so sorry," Jenny said after the trial had ended for the day. She looked genuinely upset. "I had completely forgotten that he would have access to your medical records."  
  
"Why did he have access in the first place?"  
  
"Because of all those tests you had to take. They're considered evidence."  
  
"So he's going to get away with it?"  
  
"No, he's not. I promise you, there is still so much to be done before the jury makes their decision."  
  
"But if they had to make their decision right now?"  
  
"I honestly don't know."  
  
I nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Paige, whatever happens, I want you to know that you now have complete control."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"What happened to you was completely out of your control. But you chose to do this, and he didn't get the chance to intimidate you. Whatever happens, you took control."  
  
"Thanks," I said softly. She didn't say anything else, so I walked out of the room, the whole courthouse. Most of the press had already left. The other girls had gone. I had a couple of microphones stuck in my face, but ignored them. I got out to the front steps and pulled out my cell phone to call Dylan, but I heard a car horn honking from down the steps. I walked down, and found Dylan waiting for me. I got in, and wordlessly, we started home.  
  
Halfway home, he pulled the car over. "Jenny called me. I know what happened."  
  
"Why did she call you?"  
  
"She's worried about you. She told me what Dean's lawyer did. She just wanted to make sure you're okay."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Are you?"  
  
I shrugged. "It doesn't matter anymore."  
  
He looked confused. "Why not?"  
  
"Nothing going to change based on how I feel. No one's going to listen."  
  
"So not so good, huh?"  
  
"Can we just go home?"  
  
He nodded, and was about to pull the car back on the road when he turned back to me.  
  
"I ran into Spinner today. I heard about what happened with the two of you."  
  
"And?"  
  
"Just call him Paige. Or go see him. Whatever, just talk to him."  
  
"But what if there's nothing left to talk about?"  
  
"There's no way that there's nothing left between the two of you."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That night, I didn't get angry, and I didn't break down sobbing. I sat with my mom at dinner, I did the homework my teachers had given me, and I went to bed at a decent hour. I turned of my light, hugged a pillow to my chest and just sat in the dark. I didn't cry. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how I had lost Spinner, and how I could ever get him back. I didn't know what I was going to do when Dean went free. I felt like I was in the middle of a crowded room, screaming, and no one was listening. 


	26. Testimony and Shoes

Complaints about my lack of update this week can be sent to my debate coach, yearbook editor and Peer Helper coordinator@my school. com. Just kidding. Sorry I took so long, but this week was really, really crazy. I promise I'll try harder this week, but I'm going for a tournament next weekend, so things are going to get crazy. Thank you everyone for your patience and not giving up on my story! And thank you so much for the reviews!  
  
I've tried to keep all the legal stuff out, but it got a little much in this chapter. I've cut it down as best I can.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The next day was boring. Well, at least in comparison to the day before. Jenny finished with having Officer Collins testify about the investigation. My first complaint, him calling me, e-mailing me, breaking in, my breakdown. There was nothing there I hadn't been expecting. Then it was Dean's lawyer's turn. First they called an "Expert witness". What he basically said was that what had happened to me was I had completely lost my mind due to stress cause by my false rape accusations. Jenny got up and asked him which would cause more stress- having falsely accused someone of rape or bring raped. He said being raped. She asked him how common a nervous breakdown was in rape cases. He said they weren't unheard of. She asked how often girls who falsely accuse guys of rape have nervous breakdowns. He said he didn't know the actual statistics. She if it was more or less. He said less than girls who are raped. She asked him how many girls he had studied to come up with there numbers. He said twenty-two. Jenny didn't need to ask anything else.  
  
In the afternoon, I got angry. Dean had a couple of his friends say that I had come on to him, and that I had made it clear that I wanted to go somewhere to do more than talk. I nearly stood up and shouted at them. Jena had to hold me down. One of Dean's friends said that he had heard me with Dean. That I had been enjoying it. I knew my eyes were burning when he said that. I made sure to glare at him, then look at the jury. The jury was made up of five women and seven men. Two of the men and one of them women saw me. One of the women and one of them men proceeded to glare at Dean's friend. Jena squeezed my hand and smiled.  
  
"Do you want to pick up your homework?" Dylan asked on our way home, a block away from school.  
  
I shook my head. "I'll get it tomorrow." I was tired, and I really didn't feel like doing anything but crashing in front of the TV.  
  
"Okay. Just make sure you do it. Grade nine math's a bitc- never mind."  
  
I smiled at the fact that he thought he still needed to censor his language around me. I giggled, then promised I would.  
  
"What's so funny?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing." I stifled another giggle. "Nothing at all."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
If I had thought the things that were said about me before were bad, I wasn't ready for Dean's testimony.  
  
"I met her at a soccer game. She was a cheerleader. She was hot. And she was flirting with me. So I invited her to a party."  
  
"What happened at the party?"  
  
"She came on to me some more. I was into her. I didn't know she was in grade nine. When she invited me upstairs, I went for it. Who wouldn't. I didn't know how easy she was at the time-"  
  
"Objection!"  
  
"Sustained. The jury will disregard the defendant's last comment."  
  
"So what happened when you got inside the room?"  
  
"I turned on the light, but she turned it off. She said she liked it dark. We whispered. I don't think she wanted anyone else to know we were in there."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I heard she was going out with some other guy."  
  
"Objection."  
  
"Sustained."  
  
"What happened next?"  
  
"She kissed me. We walked over to the bed. I asked her if she was okay with whatever we were doing, and she wanted more. And well, the rest is history."  
  
"You had sex with her?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Did she agree?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did she at any point say no?"  
  
"No."  
  
Again, Jena had to hold me down. I was ready to strangle him with my bare hands.  
  
"He's lying," I whispered desperately. "That's not how it happened."  
  
"I know," she said soothingly. "I know."  
  
Again I felt tears burn at my eyes. I fought them back this time. I didn't want to cry, I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hurt him. A lot. The tears pushed farther and farther, but I wouldn't cry. They started to hurt, pent up behind my eyes.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry that I slept with her. I wouldn't have done it if I knew she was going to get upset that I didn't call her. She was good for a night. That's all. I know it's not the best attitude to have, but it's the way I am. If she didn't want to sleep with me, she could have said no. She pushed me into it. It's not my fault."  
  
I looked at the jury. They were buying it. They thought I was a slut. How could he do this? How could he get away with this? I wasn't a slut. Yes, I dressed like one that night, but I didn't want to sleep with him. And now they thought I was a slut.  
  
And it was then that I finally understood what I'd spent almost a week obsessing over.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
That night, as I had told Dylan, I went to school to pick up my homework. Besides an essay and a french project, the only thing I had missed was three pages of linear relations. Who cared that y=mx+b?  
  
What I hadn't been expecting was to find what I did when I left the school. There, off to the side of the school, Spinner and Jimmy were playing basketball. I put my bag down and stepped into the court.  
  
Jimmy and Spinner both looked at me. I had no doubt I looked ridiculous in a blouse and skirt, but Jimmy didn't say anything. He didn't even snicker. I had the suspicion that Spinner had told him what was going on, but didn't say anything. Spinner went right back to shooting the ball. Jimmy looked at him, then me, then him again.  
  
"I gotta go, man," Jimmy finally said.  
  
"Don't leave on her account. Let's keep going."  
  
"Nah, I really gotta get home."  
  
I waited until Jimmy was out of view before I started talking. Spinner kept bouncing the ball, occasionally shooting it into the basket.  
  
"I deserve that," I finally said. He shot the ball one more time. It got in, but he just let it bounce away and looked at me. His shirt was slightly sweaty, his face was flushed.  
  
"No," he said in a tone that was half sarcastic, half sincere. "No, Paige, you don't." He walked off towards he ball. I kicked off my heels and chased after him in barefoot.  
  
"What does that mean?" I grabbed his arm and spun him around. "Spin, please. What does that mean?"  
  
It looked like he was going to cry as well. "I can't give you what you need." He kept walking. Despite my feet protesting against the punishment the pavement was inflicting on them, I ran after him, and blocked the exit of the court.  
  
"Paige."  
  
"No. I'm not moving until you explain to me what you mean."  
  
"Can you just let it go?"  
  
"No! You said it yourself. You know me. So you know damn well that I'm not going to move until I get my way."  
  
He watched me for a minute or two, emotions crossing his face. Anger, sadness, amusement, then finally him giving into me. "You can put your arms down. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
I lowered them slightly, but didn't move out of his way. "You've been through a lot, Paige. And I like to think that I can help you. But I can't."  
  
I didn't need help. I needed him. "Maybe it's like everyone says. Maybe I'm immature. Maybe because I'm a guy. I don't know. But I do know that whatever it is, I'm not the right person for you. Me and you both know it."  
  
"No, I don't know that. Explain it to me."  
  
"All I do is make things worse for you. I don't want to do that."  
  
I tried to process everything he was saying. He thought he was making things worse for me? He was the only thing keeping me sane.  
  
"There was one day, the day when I ran out of the house and you found me. Do you remember that?"  
  
He nodded, but didn't speak. I continued.  
  
"That night was the worst night I'd had in awhile. Just before I went to bed, I was about to cut again. But I didn't. Do you know why?" Our eyes were locked. I wanted to make sure that he understood what I was about to say. "Because I thought of you. Because after everything that's happened, you have been there for me, no questions asked, no strings attached. You have been the only constant thing and I don't want to loose you."  
  
"Then be honest with me."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Okay, on Sunday, I was an idiot. I'm sorry. And maybe it's not fair, but I need to know why you didn't want me at the trial."  
  
I still kept my gaze on him, but he looked away. "Believe it or not, I didn't figure it out until today. I honestly didn't know before.  
  
"You know I was raped, but I've never told you the details of that night. And if you had come to the trial, you would have heard them. And I don't want you to. I don't want anyone to. And then there was everything Dean said about me being a slut. And I was afraid that you'd believe him. Now can you tell me something?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Where did all that stuff about me cheating on you come from?"  
  
"It's stupid."  
  
"Tell me anyways."  
  
"Kendra told me that she saw you out with an older guy. She said he was. . . hot. . . and that you were alone with him for dinner."  
  
"Well, Kendra's right. I was about with an older guy, alone, for dinner last week." I let him get all worked up before I continued. "I went out for dinner with Dylan." I pursed my lips and tried- unsuccessfully- not to laugh.  
  
"I'm sorry," he finally said.  
  
I didn't answer, but moved out of the exit, and wrapped my arms around him. And instead of being repelled by the sweat that covered his shirt, I held him tighter.  
  
"Can you just do one thing for me?" I asked.  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Can you go get my shoes?" 


	27. Time

I'm so sorry, and I want to thank you all for sticking with me. I had a bit of a crisis, along with midterms and a big debate tournament, but now I'm back, and should hopefully have another chapter out pretty soon.  
  
I want to say a very big thank-you to EvenAngelsFall22 for the swift kick in the ass to remind me that I had taken so long and really needed to get back to this. And I highly recommend all of her stories- totally amazing!  
  
This chapter might be a little different. I didn't have this planned. It just kind of happened. But I felt like I needed this before the verdict (Yes, I will be giving a verdict. Just not in this chapter.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Thursday proved to be the most interesting day of the trial. It was the closing statements, and in those closing statements, every single theory, every shred of evidence and every word that had been said were all presented. Then, it was over. The jury disappeared. It was all in their hands.  
  
There was no verdict on Thursday.  
  
Or on Friday.  
  
I had to go to school on Friday. They wouldn't let me sit in the courtroom, and my mom decided that I had to go to school, but I could keep my cell phone on vibrate in case the verdict was in.  
  
People looked at me strangely. It wasn't the first time that I had been away from school for an extended period of time, but this time there were people who knew. I didn't want them to.  
  
Friday night, Spinner decided that it was time to take me out. He had gotten Ashley and Craig to come with us, and we had gone to a little Italian place near me.  
  
"How are you doing?" Ash asked once Craig and Spinner had immersed themselves in a discussion about the advantages of using spray cheese in contact sports.  
  
I shrugged. "I was hoping that they'd know. Maybe it would be easier if I knew he was going to get away with it, and get used to the idea of him being out instead of holding on to the hope that he might actually get convicted."  
  
"You don't think he will?"  
  
"Ash, at this point I don't know what to think." I swirled my Diet Coke around in the glass in front of me, but didn't take a sip.  
  
"Have you been sleeping?"  
  
"A bit. I didn't last night."  
  
"You should."  
  
"Thanks mom."  
  
"I'm not trying to nag you-"  
  
"I know, it's okay. Just relax. I'm not that crazy anymore, remember?" I tried to laugh, but there was really no humour in what I was saying. Luckily, Spinner turned to us to get our opinion.  
  
"What do you think?" he asked, "Should spray cheese be allowed in full-contact rugby?"  
  
I rolled my eyes. "I swear, you have a two track mind."  
  
"Wrong. Spray cheese, sports and girls. That's three."  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry."  
  
"Now let's look at you for a minute. I'd say you have a three track mind as well. Shoes, clothing and guys."  
  
"Four track. And John Mayer."  
  
"John Mayer's not a guy?" He grinned devilishly. "I've always had my doubts."  
  
I smacked him. "John Mayer's a god and therefore deserves his own category."  
  
"Still doesn't make him male."  
  
I smacked him again, then grinned. "Well, lucky for you, they're playing one of his songs."  
  
He listened for a second, then groaned. "I don't ever get to escape him."  
  
"Oh well, get over it." I smiled, then started singing along. "I tell everyone I smile just because I've got a city love. . ." I stopped and kissed him softly.  
  
"What was that for?"  
  
"Because I've got a city love."  
  
He looked at me like I had gone nuts, then relaxed his face into a smile. "Anything that gets me kissed has to be good. I'll take it."  
  
"Even if it means listening to John Mayer?"  
  
He hesitated. "Yeah, even listening to John Mayer."  
  
I grinned. "I'll keep that in mind."  
  
We turned away as the waitress brought us our food, but I felt his hand rest on the small of my back. It felt good to have him back. If only it didn't feel so bad about the trial.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay, you two behave yourselves, I'll be back before two," my mom shouted as she was headed out the door Saturday night for her monthly "Girls Night Out".  
  
"I'm having a couple of friends over tonight. You cool with that?"  
  
I looked up from my magazine. "Huh?"  
  
"Are you okay if I have a couple of friends over?"  
  
"Couple?"  
  
"Seven."  
  
"Yeah, that's fine. Spinner and I were talking about going to one of those underage clubs."  
  
"Do you need a ride?"  
  
"I'll take the bus."  
  
"Okay. Just make sure you're home before midnight."  
  
"Why? Mom's not going to be home."  
  
"I just don't want you out to late."  
  
"Fine. I'm going to take a shower."  
  
"Have fun," he muttered, picking up his book. I rolled my eyes and headed upstairs.  
  
"Wow, you're all dressed up," Dylan's friend, Michelle, told me as I was coming out of my room. She had always been one of Dylan's best friends, and had always treated me well, almost as if I was her little sister. "Hot date?"  
  
"Something like that. Do you think it's too much?" I had tried to keep as conservative as I could, but I still ended up in tight jeans and a fairly low-cut tank top. It wasn't how I used to dress, but it was still more skin than I had exposed in awhile.  
  
"No, it looks great. Where are you going?"  
  
"Um, that underage club that just opened. I can't remember the name."  
  
"I think I know which one you're talking about. What time are you supposed to be there?"  
  
"Not for another hour."  
  
"Do you want something to drink?"  
  
"You mean. . . won't Dylan get mad?"  
  
"He doesn't have to know. Come on, you're pretty much the same build as me. I promise I won't give you enough to get drunk."  
  
I shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"You look awesome," Spin told me as we went in. The club was packed, and looked almost exactly like the actual clubs I'd snuck into before. The drink I'd had was making things seem brighter, and I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I laughed and pulled him onto the dance floor.  
  
"I don't dance," he reminded me.  
  
"Come on," I urged, pulling him gently. "It's easy."  
  
"Paige."  
  
I stuck out my lower lip slightly and he was faced with my best pout. "Fine," he grudgingly replied, and followed me onto the floor.  
  
He quickly picked up on my lead, and before I knew it, we were dancing along with the other couples, looking like any other couples, and for once, feeling like almost any of the other couples. We were quickly lost in the music, in the crowd, left with no sense of time or reality. I danced closed with Spin, and relished the feeling of his body against mine.  
  
"Do you want something to drink?" he asked sometime later.  
  
"Sure." I followed him off the dance floor, and found an empty table. I sat down and waited for him to get the drinks. I was still waiting when two guys came and sat down across from me. Both looked older than eighteen, the cut-off age for getting in. Both were tall, and considerably built. Neither of them look particularly friendly.  
  
"You wanna get outta here, sweetie?" the first one asked, putting his hand on top of mine. I quickly pulled it away. He leaned over and whispered, "We can show you a real party."  
  
"We've been watching you," the second one said softly. "And we want to show you what we can do tonight."  
  
I could feel the walls closing in on me. My heart was pounding, and I felt like everyone was crowding me. It took me a little while to remind myself to breathe. I managed to get up, free myself, and I pushed across the floor and out of the club. I stood on the sidewalk only in my tank top, my jacket forgotten in the coat check somewhere. It was cold, but I ignored it. I just needed to be safe, and I needed to get home. I shivered, then pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and called for a taxi.  
  
"Paige," Spin called.  
  
I turned around. He was standing beside me, cheeks flushed, no jacket either and two water bottles in his hand. "What happened?" he asked. I just shook my head. The good feeling I'd had after the drink was gone, and the heaviness was back.   
  
"I was asking for it," I whispered. "Even though I know what happens when I do this. . . I still dressed like this. . . oh God, Spin. I was asking for it."  
  
"Asking for what?" he asked.  
  
"With Dean, tonight. . ."  
  
"Did something happen?"  
  
The cab pulled up to the curb. I put my hand on the handle but didn't open it. "I can't stop it. It's just like I'm a compulsive slut."  
  
"Paige. . ."  
  
"Good-night, Spin."  
  
The ride home was endless. When the driver dropped my off at my house, I pulled a couple of bills out of my purse and handed them to him, then made my way into the house.  
  
Dylan's friends were still there. They were sprawled out across the living room, each with a drink in their hands. One of them smiled at me. They all looked so relaxed. So happy. I wanted to feel happy again.  
  
Before I headed for my room, I picked up one of the bottles they had forgotten about.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The song I mentioned was "City Love" by John Mayer, off his amazing album Room for Squares. 


	28. Hangover, Spa and the Verdict

Thank you all for still reviewing the story after I took so damn long getting it out. You guys are awesome!  
  
There's only three chapters left after this one, but I've been planning one of them since before I started writing the story, and the other two for months, so hopefully it won't take me long. And I'll probably start on my next story (the Paige/Original Character story) right after that. Hopefully, I'll have the story done before the end of the month.  
  
And guess what- no cliffhanger for this chapter. I'm way too excited after writing this, so I'll stop talking and let you read.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Paige," a female voice called from the other side of my door. Can I come in?"  
  
I rolled over onto my back and put the half-consumed bottle under my pillow. "Yeah," I said, rubbing my eyes. Although I had had a lot to drink, I still didn't feel as happy as I should have. Michelle opened the door and came in.  
  
"Are you doing okay?"  
  
"I'm fine," I told her. Was I slurring my words?  
  
"How did your date go?" Though you wouldn't know it from looking at her, Michelle was one of the most thoughtful and kind people around. She was shorter than me, with shoulder length hair she dyed jet-black. She usually wore revealing clothes, but still was one of the classiest people I knew.  
  
"It was fine," I muttered, then reached under my pillow for the bottle. I unscrewed the top and was about to take another swig when Michelle stopped me.  
  
"I think you've had enough," she said, pulling it away and screwing the top back on. "Do you want to talk about what's going on?"  
  
"Why do you think something's going on?"  
  
"Because you've been crying, and Dylan told me."  
  
I sat up. "Dylan told you about Dean?"  
  
"No. He just said something was going on."  
  
I felt dizzy, and tried to pull the bottle away from her again. "Just because my rapist is on trial doesn't mean that something's going on!" I shouted. Thanks to the alcohol, I didn't care what I was saying or who I was saying it to. "Now just give me the bottle back! I'm thirsty!"  
  
"Oh. . . Paige, I had no idea."  
  
"Stop treating me like a kid! Give me the bottle!"  
  
"Sweetie, you're already going to regret it tomorrow morning." She put her hand on my shoulder when she noticed how wobbly I was. "You need to drink some water and go to bed."  
  
"I don't want water." I was in tears again. "I want to forget."  
  
She nodded. "I know. But this," she motioned to the bottle, "isn't the way to do it."  
  
"Then how do it?"  
  
"You go to bed, deal with your hangover tomorrow morning, and then we'll talk."  
  
I looked at her somberly. "Promise?"  
  
She nodded. "I promise. But tomorrow morning, you're going to have other things on your mind."  
  
"I didn't have that much to drink!"  
  
"Tell me that tomorrow."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I hated when other people were right.  
  
Especially about me.  
  
The next morning, as predicted, I had a massive hangover. But I wasn't the only one who did. Dylan and my mom had both partied a bit too much the night before, so we just walked around ignoring each other, drinking coffee and popping Advil. That afternoon, as promised, Michelle came by with an offer to go to the spa.  
  
"I'm sick of feeling like a slut. I don't want everyone to see me that way anymore," I explained while we soaked out feet.  
  
"I know what you mean, but the truth is, someone's always going to feel that way."  
  
I stared at her. "You mean I'm always going to be a slut?!"  
  
"I didn't say you're a slut. You're not. But you're gorgeous. And you're always going to be turning heads. It just doesn't always mean it's the good guys who's heads are turned. I think you've had to learn that, haven't you?"  
  
I nodded, but didn't look up.  
  
"Do you remember what you told me last night?"  
  
"A little bit."  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
I shrugged. "There's nothing to talk about right now. Maybe there will be tomorrow."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"They haven't decided what's going to happen to him yet."  
  
"You mean the jury?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Is that why you were drinking last night?"  
  
"That was part of it. The other part was because two guys came on to me last night. I was dressed like a slut again, and. . . well, it scared me. And then I ran off on my boyfriend. I haven't dealt with it well."  
  
"When did this happen?"  
  
"November."  
  
She looked me in the eye. "Let me tell you something, Paige. Something I've only told a couple of people before."  
  
By the tone in her voice, I could almost predict what she was going to say. "When I was in grade eight, I was on my way home from my friend's house. I cut through the park. And in the park, someone was hiding in the bushes. And that someone came out of the bushes and pulled me in there with him."  
  
"Did he-?"  
  
She shook her head. "I won't get into too many details, but before he had a chance to, a police officer came by on foot patrol. And the police officer found me just after he ran off."  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"I gave the police officer a fake name, address and told him I was eighteen. He couldn't force me to press charges. Then I went home, told my mom I slipped on the ice on my way home, burned my clothes the next night in the fireplace, and told myself that it never happened."  
  
"Did anything else happen?"  
  
"It happened to another girl who fought him off and called the cops. She was brave enough to. I wasn't."  
  
"But you were only thirteen!"  
  
She shrugged. "Since then, I can't walk alone at night. I won't let anyone I know walk alone at night. And I haven't gone back to that park since. I wasn't even raped, and I still haven't dealt with it as well as you."  
  
I smiled. "I don't think you'd be saying that if you knew all that I did."  
  
"I think I would. Don't kill him, but Dylan told me about your breakdown. And he didn't tell me about Dean, but I was at the party when they got into a fight. I forced it out of him."  
  
"You knew?"  
  
"Yeah. But it was because I'm too nosy for my own good. But what I was saying before. You dealt with it a lot better than I ever could have. Whatever happens with the jury, there's nothing Dean can do to you."  
  
"What do you mean? He could still get out."  
  
"But he has no control over you anymore. And there's nothing he can do to change it. But whatever happens, I want you to call me, okay?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
There was no word Monday morning.  
  
"Still nothing?" Hazel asked on our way to lunch.  
  
I shook my head. "I guess it means that there's still a chance."  
  
"Of course there is. Hang in there, hon." We put our trays down, and just as I was about to take a bite when I felt my phone vibrate. I quickly pulled it out of my pocket.  
  
"Paige, get your stuff. Dylan's going to drive you and Manny," my mom said. "Be waiting by the front doors. I'll call the school and take care of it."  
  
"They have the verdict."  
  
"They're reading it at two this afternoon."  
  
I hung up, said a quick good-bye to Hazel, and while I rushed to find Manny, I ran- literally- into Spinner.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"They have the verdict."  
  
"Do you want me to come with you?" He didn't seem to care about Saturday night. He wasn't mad at me. I nodded. We quickly found Manny, picked up our stuff and were waiting for Dylan when he finally showed up.  
  
"You okay?" he asked.  
  
I nodded. It was the only action I could process. We piled into the car- Dylan and Manny in the front, Spin and I in the back. No one said anything the whole ride over. We made our way into the courtroom and sat at the front- Dylan on one side of me and Spinner on the other. The only two guys I needed. The rest of our "Survivors Club" joined in. Although not everyone had been there for the trial, all of us were there for the verdict. Some parents had come too. Officer Collins came in after them.  
  
It took forty minutes for the judge to finally show up. Once he was finally came in, he spent another ten minutes talking. Finally he asked the jury "Foreperson" to stand up.  
  
"On the count of breaking and entering in the first degree, how do you find the defendant?"  
  
I gripped both Dylan and Spinner's hand tightly."Guilty," the woman said. I stopped breathing.  
  
"On the count of menacing in the first degree, how do you find the defendant.  
  
The woman looked down at the paper she was holding, then looked towards me and the other girls sympathetically. This was the charge for Dean harassing me. "Not guilty." A murmur broke out across the courtroom. The judge tapped his gavel. I still didn't breathe. My grip tightened on Dylan and Spinner's hands.  
  
"And on the final count, rape in the first degree, how do you find the defendant."  
  
This time, she didn't hesitate. "Guilty."  
  
This time, the courtroom was much louder than before. I felt Spinner's hand on my back. The other girls were getting up. Finally, the words registered and I took a deep breath. My whole body started shaking. I released my hands and stood up. They both followed. I wrapped my arms around Spinner's neck. I was still shaking violently, but I held onto him tight.  
  
"It's over," he said softly. "It's all over. He's going away for a long, long time."  
  
I started crying again when he said that. Cried for everything. For being raped, for pressing charges, for being harassed, for going crazy, for going through the trial, but mostly tears of joy for it being over. Once I had relatively controlled myself, I turned to Dylan and hugged him.  
  
"Good job, kiddo. If it wasn't for you, none of this would have happened." I held him tightly too, but this time grinned instead of crying. Once I let go of him, I turned behind me to see officer Collins.  
  
"Thank you." The words didn't seem like enough for what he had done for me, but they were the best I could come up with. He had been the one who had convinced me to come forward, and he was the one who had really done all the work to get him convicted. "Thank you." 


	29. Waxing and Girltalk

I'm going to try to keep this short. I had a lot of trouble with this chapter, and this was the best I could come up with. Mostly filler. But I wanted to get a couple of things out. And I promise, next chapter will be better.  
  
Also, on a non-Degrassi note, I'm working on writing a play for a competition, and I'm in great need of characters. If you have any ideas, can you let me know (in a review or a d-mail. I'm merenelanding)? It would be very, very much appreciated!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
After that, things pretty much were back to normal. Spinner and I were still together, I still passed too many notes in class, and I still hated homework with a passion. But some things had changed. I was more careful of what I said, and who I was with. I became more aware of people staring at me, and I became more aware of people in general. I tried not to put them down, and I tried to be aware of is they were having problems. After everything people had done for me, it was my turn to give back. I stuck by it most of the time.  
  
Before I knew it, it was almost the end of school. It was freakishly warm for June, so the day before final tasks and exams started, the school had decided to take us to a nearby beach. We were going on the Monday. The Saturday I went looking for the perfect swimsuit. I finally found one. I had sacrificed my bikini obsession for a one piece. Not because it was conservative, but mostly because there were scars all over me, especially my stomach, that no one needed to see. Then on Sunday, I realized something terrible. My legs were hairy.  
  
Normally, it wouldn't have been such a big problem, but when the doctors discovered I had been cutting, they had forbidden me to shave, or to have access to a razor. Because of me, my mom had switched to waxing, and Dylan had changed to an electric shaver.  
  
Sunday was a quiet day around my house. Since my mom wasn't home, I didn't bother asking her how to use the wax before trying it out myself.  
  
I had gotten pretty well prepared. I'd read the instructions, got myself a pop, and brought my CD player into the bathroom. As told, I heated the wax in the microwave first. I took the spreader they had given with the wax, dipped it in the hot liquid, propped my leg up onto the counter, and spread it on my leg.  
  
What the instructions hadn't said was that if you put the wax in the microwave as long as it told you to, it would burn your skin straight off. I screamed in pain, fell backwards and hit my leg against the wall.  
  
"Owww," I moaned. I pulled my leg away from the wall, and found wax spread all across the wall, but still managed to stay on my leg. I limped out to the hall and picked up the phone.  
  
"Can you help me?" I asked when she picked up on the other end.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I ignored the mess in the bathroom and tried to clean up my own leg the best I could, then as promised, met Hazel at a nearby pharmacy.  
  
"So. . . which one would hurt the least?" I asked as we stared up at the wall of waxes.  
  
"Keeping your legs hairy," she suggested with a smile, then tapped one of the employees on the shoulder as they walked by.  
  
"Which one of these would hurt least?" she asked the older saleswoman.  
  
She laughed. "Sweetie, if you want it to be painless, shave."  
  
I looked at Hazel desperately. "There has to be something," I declared.  
  
"Well. . . this one says it's for beginners."  
  
We paid for it, then walked back to my house. She promised to help me figure it out.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked as I rolled up my capris.  
  
"I don't want to get wax on my pants."  
  
"The put on some shorts. This is only going to make a bigger mess for you."  
  
Finally, I changed into shorts, and Hazel got everything set up. She took one of the strips and put it onto my leg. "This isn't that bad."  
  
Hazel chose that moment to rip the strip off. "Haze, are you trying to kill me?!"  
  
"Sorry," she said, looking over my leg. She didn't look the least bit sorry. "But it worked." She kept going, and inflicted the torture once again. "So what's going on with you and Spin?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't know. You guys seem pretty serious."  
  
"We are. Our relationship's hardly been normal. After everything that happened with Dean. . ."  
  
"You got past that though. How long is he in jail for?"  
  
"Ten years. He got the maximum."  
  
"Good. How long has it been for you two now?"  
  
"Five months."  
  
"Do you love him?"  
  
For a minute, I forgot about the waxing. I felt myself blush. "Yeah. A lot."  
  
"Have you two. . ?"  
  
I smiled. "No. At least not yet."  
  
"Do you want to?"  
  
"I do, but. . . it's hard, you know?"  
  
"I know what you mean. Is he pushing you?"  
  
"Never. It was me pushing him at first."  
  
"You?!"  
  
I nodded. "I thought that if I could sleep with him, everything with Dean would just. . . go away. OW!"  
  
"Do you still go to that support group?"  
  
"Sometimes. I still talk to those girls a lot." I decided to change the subject. "Isn't it about time- OW- that we get you a boyfriend?" 


	30. What a Girl Wants

I forgot to mention that the tree chapters are three fairly short chapters. The next one may be a bit longer. I'm so excited about finally writing it! (I've had it planned since before I started writing this story!) So I will get that up as soon as I can.  
  
Oh, and if you want s little music to go with this chapter, I've taken a lot of ideas from What a Girl Wants by Christina Aguilera (Okay, I admit it, I was a teeny-bopper.)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Monday couldn't have been more perfect. The sun was bright, it wasn't too hot, and we had more than enough time for me to work on my tan. Plus, the whole way there, I got to sit next to spin- in shorts and a tank top. It, for once, was a perfect day. And I didn't have to sorry about Dean showing up around the corner or sneaking up behind me. At the beach, we set up our towels and I pulled out a tube of sun screen.  
  
"Sun screen?" Spinner asked in feigned disbelief as I handed it to him.  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"Why do you want me using that?"  
  
I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "because I don't find you nearly as sexy when you look like a tomato."  
  
He shrugged, then pulled off his shirt. "Fine." I squeezed a bit into my palm, then rubbed his gently into his skin. He let me for a little while, then pulled my hand and kissed it. I smiled, then brought my mouth to his. One of the teachers shot us a dirty look.  
  
"Let's get out of here," he whispered. I nodded, and he stood up, then helped me up. He took my hand and we walked down the beach in silence. Finally, we came to a deserted spot and sat down, with the water coming up onto our toes.  
  
"Spin-" I finally said just as he said my name. We both smiled. "You go first."  
  
"It's not going to sound as good now."  
  
I looked at him and smiled. "What do you mean?"  
  
"I was planning on sounding like I was being thoughtful. At least I think that's the right word to use."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I was just. . . you've been through a lot this year."  
  
I cocked my head to one side. "Where did that come from?"  
  
He shrugged. "I've just been thinking, that's all."  
  
"Gavin Mason, thinking?"  
  
"Hey, that's Mr. Gavin Mason to you." He smiled. I loved seeing him smile. "But seriously. I thought about that, and I was thinking about how much you changed."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You've changed this year, Paige. Good changes. You had to grow up way faster than me or anyone else I know, but you still did it."  
  
I smiled and laced my fingers through his. "There was something else."  
  
"What?"  
  
He let go of my hand, then reached into the pocket of his shorts (in a typical Spinner move, he had forgotten his swim suit at home). He pulled out a small jewellery box and handed it to me.  
  
"What is this?" I asked once I finally found my voice.  
  
"I considered a promise ring, but that just sounded too corny, so I decided against it."  
  
I opened the lid. Inside was a perfect, cursive, silver P, attached to a silver chain. He looked over for my reaction.  
  
"It doesn't stand for what you think, though."  
  
I looked at it again. What else could a P stand for? Fortunately, he read my mind.  
  
"It stand for promise. I know what you went through with Dean, and I know how badly it hurt you. And I never want to hurt you like that. So this is my promise that I never, ever will treat you like that. I will never push you to have sex. And I'm always going to be here for you. No matter what happens."  
  
I looked down at the pendant, then back at Spinner. Spinner, the boy who had a crush on me from elementary school. The boy who I'd stood up on the worst night of my life. And the man that I loved. I put my hand to his cheek, just to make sure that he was real.  
  
"Thank you," I whispered.  
  
"So what did you have to say?"  
  
Just as Spinner had planned what he was going to say, I knew what I had to as well. "After everything that's happened this year. . . I can't really think of the right word. You're right, I've been through a lot, and it was hard on me, but it was almost as hard on you. And even when I went crazy, and when I was pushing you away, you stuck with me. Someone else might have left, but you didn't. You just stood by me, and you waited, and you let me figure things out. And that's not something I ever thought I could find. After everything. . . I just lost faith in people. Not just guys, but people in general. And you changed that. You let me hate the world, but you loved me in spite of it. So the only thing I can think of saying is thank you. I know it's not enough after everything you've done, but. . . it's a start." I smiled. "You're exactly what a girl wants."  
  
He smiled. "Now how come the other girls never realized that? Back when I was single?"  
  
"Because they were just as blind as I was." He laughed, then stood up, and pulled me up. We started walking down the beach again, hand in hand. There was something different this time. Somehow we were closer. We understood each other. There was a new level of intensity between us. Suddenly, he stopped, turned to me, and wrapped his arms around me.  
  
"I love you," he whispered.  
  
I rested my head against his chest. "I love you too."  
  
"Good." He paused. "I just wanted to make sure you knew."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"What do you think changed when granny died?" I asked Dylan that night. I still hadn't started on my report for English. I had to do a five-minute presentation on an event that changed my life. I chose my grandma's death.  
  
Dylan sat down across from me. "I realized that we were all mortal." He popped a handful of chips in his mouth out of the bag he was carrying, chewed, then continued. "I hadn't really known anyone who'd died before, and it was a slap in the face. We're all going to die. Is this for your English presentation?"  
  
I nodded. He laughed. "That was a brutal presentation."  
  
"What did you do it on?"  
  
"That was when I came out. Oh, Michelle asked about you today."  
  
"What did she say?"  
  
"She wanted to know how you were doing. And if you'd help her go shopping for. . . something or the other. Some sort of make-up thing, I think."  
  
"Sure. Tell her when exams are done."  
  
"What else do you have for your report?"  
  
"Not much. Just about how close granny and I had been, and how hard it was when she was sick."  
  
"How do you think it changed you?"  
  
I shrugged. "I don't know if it's a life-changing experience, but I didn't know what else to do it on."  
  
"I can think of something."  
  
"I'm not talking to my whole class about it."  
  
He shrugged, and ate another handful of chips. "Just a suggestion."  
  
I felt bad. "It's not that it's not a good suggestion, it's just. . . I'm not ready yet."  
  
He nodded. "That's fine. Talk about finding out she had cancer."  
  
I nodded, then decided it was time to work. I had no idea how I was ever going to get a full paper done. Damn highschool. 


	31. Survivor

Okay, so it's still a little short. But I think this gets the message that I wanted to send.  
  
This is it. The story's done after this. But before I let you read it, I have to say this:  
  
Thank you, every single one of you, who are reading this. Some who I know who you are, some who I don't. I really wouldn't have had the patience or encouragement to finish this if it wasn't for you. You have all been amazing to put up with my many delays. And my ramblings at the beginning of the chapters. Your reviews have kept me going, and have picked me up in computer class. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!  
  
And finally, I'm still looking for ideas for a title. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.  
  
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"Thank you, Gavin, for that, ahem, enlightening speech," Mr. Simpson said from the back of the class on Tuesday. Spinner had just finished his speech on his discovery of spray cheese being the life-changing event. He came and sat down beside me with a grin on his face.  
  
"That was interesting," I whispered. He laughed. In the back, Mr. Simpson finished writing his notes, and looked at the class list.  
  
"Next up, we have Paige Michalchuk," he announced. I stood up. "Take it away, Paige." Shakily, I made my way to the front of the class. I hated big presentations, even thought I had a decent speech written word-for-word in front of me. Dylan and I had stayed up until twelve the night before, trying to make it work. We finally came up with something.  
  
"When I was ten, my grandma got sick," I started, taking a deep breath. "At first we just thought it was the flu, but the doctor told us otherwise." I looked down at my notes, then up at Spinner, then Ashley, then Mr. Simpson. He was waiting for me to continue. My hands shook.  
  
"I. . . it. . ." I looked back at Spinner, then back down at my paper. I folded the paper in half. "The truth is, that didn't really change me, except, some of you may have noticed, it turned me into a bitch." A low murmur broke out across the class. "Sorry Mr. Simpson. What that attitude did to me turned me into a very stupid person, and it led to my life changing event.  
  
"A lot of you probably heard some kind of rumour about me this year. And the unfortunate part is that they're probably true.  
  
"Near the start of this year, I met a guy. He went to another school. He was older, tall, dark, handsome, the whole bit. He was a jock, and I started flirting with him. He invited me to a party. What happened that night changed my life.  
  
"I was supposed to be going out with someone that night, and I bailed on them to spend time with this guy. And the guy who I bailed on showed up at the party. I asked the guy I was with to go somewhere alone. I'm going to skip you the gory details, but when I got up there, we started kissing. And he took it further. And I said stop. And he took it even further." I looked at the expressions on the faces staring back at me. Some looked confused, others looked surprised, two were smirking. "He raped me. So I did the logical thing. I pretended nothing happened, threw out my clothes, took a shower, and didn't talk to the police or see s doctor. Finally, I talked to someone. It was the last person I ever would have expected, after what I'd put her through, but there are some people in this world who are just amazing people, who are willing to put aside their feelings to help you, even if it means putting their own feelings on the line. And she finally got me to talk to a counsellor.  
  
"I had almost gotten to a place where I could deal with what had happened, where I didn't blame myself anymore, and I had to face him again. He told me that I had asked for it, that I had come on to him, and that everyone at the party had seen a girl who wanted it. Even when I had two people, two people that I didn't know cared about me that much, attack this guy, I believed him. But I decided to press charges.  
  
"A week or two later, I talked to a police officer. And a couple of days after that, I started getting calls and e-mails from the guy. So I found a new way to deal with what he had done. I started cutting myself. It started out once, maybe twice, and I thought I could stop. I didn't. I also started going to a support group. And I found out that I wasn't the only one who he had raped." I shook saying the word, but I was no longer speaking to the class. I was speaking to myself, for myself. It was the first time I was acknowledging what had happened. That I had been raped. The words were coming out clearly, and in my head, logically. "So we teamed up. Some group, huh? We all pressed charged. They couldn't really stick on their own. Meanwhile, this guy was dating someone else I knew, and who I didn't like. I still tried to save them from him. But sometimes people need to save themselves. She ended up getting raped. But, she got to a doctor in time. And this time, there was enough to arrest him. But before they got the chance to, he broke into my house.  
  
"I never saw him, and nothing really happened, but I started blacking out after he broke in. Then, literally minutes before he was arrested, he got a hold of me. He. . . well, he did this." I turned my arm around, which I usually kept pressed close to my side, and wiped at the layer of foundation that I had over it. A long, ugly, red scar emerged from underneath the guck. "And then I had a nervous breakdown.  
  
"I was in the hospital for a week, then was back home for two. Another series of events happened, but basically, he only got charged with two crimes. But, we somehow made it to the trial and he got convicted." I wouldn't tell them about the AIDS part. As much as I was reealing about myself, I still wasn't 100% sure that I didn't have AIDS, and in high school, it could be the end of everything. "But not before I went to see him in prison and do what I'd been dying to do for months. I slapped him. I wasn't what I thought was most appropriate, but the prison wouldn't let me bring a knife in. And I'm still hoping that he gets stuck with a 300-pound cell-mate named Bubba who takes care of it for me." The class laughed, some nervously. "I'm not going to say that this has been a good experience. It sucks, and will probably continue to suck for the next several years, if not the rest of my life. But I realized something through this experience. There are bad people in the world. And you're going to have to deal with them at some point or the other. And some people will deal with worse people than others. But there will always be bad people and bad experiences. And when these bad things happen, you learn who really cares about you, and what's really important. Even if you have a very thick skull and it takes forever. There are people who are there for you no matter what our hair looks like, or how big your chest is." Another round of giggles. "And there are things that seem totally unimportant. What is important is that you learn from the experience, and never let yourself be in that situation again. You have to surround yourself with people who love you, and they'll be there for you, no matter what.  
  
"Through this, I did realize that there was someone who cared about me more than I could ever imagine. He was probably the only thing that got me through everything. I screwed up more times than I can count, but he's always been there.  
  
"So how did this change my life? I'd like to say I'm a better person, you know smarter, wiser, prettier, whatever, but I'm probably not. What I learned, most of all, is who really is a true friend, there no matter what." I locked eyes with Ashley, then Hazel. They both smiled. "And who truly loves you, no matter what." I locked eyes with Spinner. He grinned. The class, slowly, one by one, started clapping. I stopped them. I had one more thing to say, then they could cheer or boo, whatever they felt like. Mr. Simpson could fail me for all I cared. "Someone asked me once what it's like to be a rape victim. Maybe there was a time I would have told them. But as someone much wiser than me once pointed out," I smiled at Spinner. "I'm not a rape victim. I'm a survivor."  
  
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So, what did you think? Like it? Hate it? I am totally open to any constructive criticism. Just let me know! Thank you all! You rock! 


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